Katianna was dressed in a long white nightgown as she stood before Jovo. Tenderly he reached for her and caressed her face. God, she missed him so much. She could feel the warmth of his touch as his fingers worked their way through her hair. Then with sudden force, the warmth was gone. He yanked her hair back, exposing the tender flesh of her throat. As she looked into her dark eyes, they were no longer dark and loving. Instead they were red and taunting. He laughed at her as he wielded a dagger. Panicked filled her as she struggled.
"What's the matter, Kat? You don't want to play?" he replied menacingly, toying with her.
She wasn't sure how, but she managed to escape his grasp. Perhaps he let her go to toy with her further. She wasn't sure. All she knew was that she had to run. Just as she felt him coming behind her as a gust of wind, something else took hold of her. Another hand reached out for her. It seemed to come from nowhere. But in desperation, she grabbed it.
Instantly she was in a tug of war! She could feel her body being wracked by Kalimar as he tried to pull her back, but these new hands pulled her forward. To somewhere that she hoped was a sanctuary. Suddenly, she was free of Kalimar's grasp and it was as if she went numb. Only a handful of tears fell through the dirt and the scratches.
Tenderly a hand caressed her face as they were surrounded by a pleasant light. It was warm and soothing.
"Shhhhhh," she heard a voice say. The voice was all too familiar. "You're safe now. Just let me hold you..."
Stunned, she looked up and found herself looking into Will Boone's hazel eyes.
"I said I would always be here for you," he said caressing her face gently.
"Will..."
Gently, he bent down and kissed her. A warmth filled her being. Her eyes closed of their own volition. But suddenly, her eyes opened and she found herself in her bed alone. It had been a dream.
"Computer, time," she said.
<The time is 05:05>
With a sigh she sat up and ran a hand through her auburn hair. She knew there was no way she was going to get back to sleep.
"Computer, lights. 65% illumination."
As the computer complied. She squinted in the brightness, but she wanted it. She went to the replicator and got a raktajino. Nothing like starting the day with a kick, she thought. Especially after the dream she had. She wanted to get to HoloPursuits and see if she couldn't get in an extra session to work off some of this extra agitation she felt. She knew she should eat something, but nothing appealed to her.
She quickly replicated some fruit and cheese with a bottle of water and headed out the door quietly, making sure not to wake the kids. She would leave Kara to handle the morning with them. Today she had too much on her mind, or rather, her emotions were just too upset. She needed to settle down and the best way she knew how was to work them out in the holodeck.
As she walked images hit her randomly. Memories of Kalimar that had been plaguing her were temporarily halted and replaced by those of William Boone... She remembered when they had first met, when he and Sandoval had been beamed aboard the Sarek to get information to aid in returning the Sarek to their dimension. She and William had clicked in a way that had surprised her. She had never expected to see him again after they left, she thought as she finally reached Holo Pursuits, entered her suite and began an intensive training simulation.
Almost instantly she was bombarded by attackers. All thoughts of Will vanished as she focused on her opponents. She poured all her emotions into taking them down one by one. It seemed almost too easy to strip them of their weapons and kill them or disable them. She knew she would have to either find a way to make the program more difficult or go hunt for a new and more challenging program. After 20 minutes, the program had run it's course. Katianna, sweaty, but not completely worn out, sat down to catch her breath and recharge a bit. She drank some of her water and nibbled at the cheese. Her stomach didn't seem to want food. Of course, the time she sat, taking her breather was enough time to allow her mind to wander. It again returned to Will... To their first kiss... To so much more between them. She sighed as she remembered the month she had ended up staying the next time she had wound up in Will's dimension. Only this time, she had been by herself. There had been no Sarek. Her shuttle had been mangled as well and needed extensive repair work...
That month had been very eventful... They both knew their feelings for each other were deep and they let them lead. She sighed, remembering how she would have stayed had she had Laurissa with her. A sad smile crossed her face as she realized that all things happened for a reason and she had been meant to return... But there was an ache that came at the thought. Quickly, she pushed it away and hopped to her feet initiating another program. This time one of her many battle programs. She shifted into an Amazon outfit of legend and began fighting against the Greeks. She had two swords in hand and used them as easily as she did in any of her other programs. This program was just a bit more imaginative. But these Greeks didn't prove to be any more of a challenge than her other opponents. As the battle wore down and she took out the last two men with opposite thrusts, she sighed and shook her head. She could still feel her emotions running hot and heavy under the surface. Nothing was making them go away.
It had been years since she had dealt with the intensity of these memories and emotions. So much sorrow and grief... Why now? she kept asking herself. She didn't understand why it would have to hit now. Slumping down in the middle of the battlefield with all the death surrounding her, she fought hard not to cry.
Paul was getting annoyed when Katianna didn't show up for the meeting they had agreed upon for coffee. Then he grew a bit concerned. Her obsession lately with training in the holosuites was getting to be a bit out of control he thought, since he was pretty sure she was there. As he checked her wearabouts, it was confirmed. He wasn't sure whether to be upset with her or not, but decided to check on her.
Katianna sat up against a tree in the hillsides she had created for her last simulation. It too had only taken about 20 minutes to complete.
But even with the fighting she couldn't get the memory of Ron Sandoval telling her that Will was dead from her mind. It had ripped through her like a hot knife through butter... The tears had come during the fight almost blurring her vision, but it hadn't stopped her deadly accuracy. She tried to wipe at the ones that trickled down her cheeks, but they were replaced by more.
Suddenly, the holosuite doors opened. As she looked up, she saw Paul. She sniffed, wiped unsuccessfully at the tears once again and managed a weak smile.
"I thought you might show up," Katianna replied. "I'm sorry about our coffee date... I just couldn't show up. Not looking like this," she explained motioning to her tear-stained face.
"Ah would 'ave preferred at least some word from you!" Paul said angrily. "You've not been acting yourself lately. What eez going on?"
"Training as usual," Katianna replied, still trying to reign in her emotions. "Just training..." Unfortunately, she couldn't seem to get the tears to stop, though they did seem to slow. She looked away. "Paul... I should have contacted you... I... I'm sorry... I know you've heard that from me too often, but I am..."
"What are you training for zhat requires so much time?" Paul asked. "Ze forces you tell me about canna be defeated in ze physical realm. An' Ah know of nothing Starfleet deals with zhat requires...zhis!" Paul said, indicating Katianna's panoply.
"It makes me stronger," she replied quietly, not feeling very strong at the moment. In fact, feeling just the opposite. "It helps me to focus... or work through things," she added even softer.
"What kind of things?" Paul asked. "Running from your problems is not going to address them!"
She looked at him, pain evident in her watery green eyes. "Obviously I wasn't running," she replied with a sigh. "Just trying to make things not hurt so much..." More tears appeared in her eyes and cascaded down her cheeks as she looked away again. "This usually helps..."
"But eet eez not any more, eez it?"
Slowly she shook her head as she stifled as soft sob. "I just don't understand why it would hit me so hard this year..."
"Per'aps being chased by demons may 'ave someting to do weeth eet," Paul said, making a feeble attempt at humor.
She laughed once sadly, despite herself. "Perhaps..." she replied, trying to wipe away the tears again. "I just keeping getting bombarded by memories... and they all just hurt." She took one of his hands. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to listen to me crying like an idiot."
Paul took Katianna in his arms. "Let eet all out...zhis is what you've really been needing," he said quietly as he rocked her for several moments.
Soft sobs wracked her body as she took comfort in his embrace. "Why does loss have to hurt so much?" she asked. "I've been around so long and it just doesn't get any easier..."
"Ah 'ave not lived as long as you, but Ah've experienced plenty of loss of mah own," Paul told her.; "You don' need to shield me from your pain."
"But I don't feel this all the time over this particular memory... I just woke up and..." she shook her head. The pain had been there from the moment she had awaken from the dream.
"Eet eez like zhis, sometimes. Ah can go for days or even weeks, an' zhen Ah'll 'ave nightmares so intense Ah canna sleep for days. Zhey complain about mah drinking...eet eez all Ah've 'ad to 'elp me sleep."
She was quiet for a moment as she let her tears try to settle. Her sobs soften, but the tears kept falling. "Do you remember when I talked about Will Boone, how I had been involved with him briefly when I had been in his dimension?"
"Yes, I do. You loved 'im very much."
"It was devastating when I found out he was dead..." she said. She was quiet for a moment as she composed herself as best as she could and took comfort from Paul as she stroked her hair. "What made it worse, was that... after our affair and I was back aboard my ship, I found out I had miscarried our child..." She cried then. "I hadn't even known I was pregnant..."
"Oh, mah God! Ah 'ad no idea!" Paul said. "Why did you not tell me zhis?"
She sobbed softly again and shook her head. "I didn't tell anyone after it happened..."
Paul was silent for a moment. He did not know what he could tell her, if anything, that would make her pain go away. "Kat, if you need to talk, about anyting, do not hesitate to let me know!" he said. "Ah may not 'ave an answer, but at least you can get eet off your chest."
She decided for a moment and then continued. "Today is the anniversary of the day I was told Will was dead," she replied, trying to explain what had happened to bring her there to that point. "I had woken up from a dream that had started out a nightmare... Only Will had come in and stopped it. I just knew when I woke up that there was no going back to sleep. I could feel all these emotions churning inside me, so I had come here... I've been here since about 5:30 this morning. But no matter what I do, I can't make this enormous sorrow go away... I feel his loss, the loss of the child we would have had... Though I felt some pain last year, it wasn't nearly this strong..."
"You've 'ad to deal with so much more since then," Paul told her as he dried her tears. "Ah wish Ah'd known, Kat, I truly do..."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you..." she said as the sobs finally started to quiet down. "I just... hadn't told anyone... until now..."
"An' zhat's why you've been acting out in ze holosuites."
"It's today's reason," she replied with a sigh.
"Probably more zhan zhat, eef you stop an' tink about eet."
She wasn't going to stop her training, but she decided to keep this to herself for the time being. This was not a conversation to start at the moment and she knew it. But perhaps there was more to her training than she wanted to think about. But that as well, was a subject for later. "Maybe I'll stop and think about it later..." she replied, finally feeling as if she were getting a grip on her emotions though her heart still ached.
"Don' wait too long," Paul said, "or you may find yourself losing ze life you 'ave now as well as what you 'ad zhen."
Tenderly she caressed his face and smiled softly, her eyes still sad. "It'll take a lot to bring me down," she replied.
"Ah'm 'ere for you," Paul told her as he took her face in his hands."Ah've always been 'ere for you."
"Thank you," she replied as leaned forward and tenderly kissed his cheek. She again settled herself against his chest. Suddenly, a fear took hold of her. What if something happened to her? What if she couldn't win against Kalimar and the Kosst Amojen or what if she did, but at the expense of her life? What about her children? "Paul, I know this is a strange time to ask... I'm not even sure why I'm doing this now, but... if something were to happen to me, would you help Kara take care of the children for me? It is, of course, just in case anything should happen. Not that I think anything will."
"Notheeng will 'appen to you, as long as Ah 'ave a say een ze matter," Paul told her fiercely. "But Ah would most assuredly take care of ze little ones. On zhat you 'ave my word!"
A sense of relief washed over her and suddenly the fatgiue of hours of work-out were beginning to settle in along with the emotional draining. "I'm so tired now," she replied.
"Let me walk you back to your quarters," Paul said. "You need rest. 'Ow long 'as it been since you last slept?"
"I slept about four hours last night," she replied.
"An ze night before?"
"About five hours give or take thirty minutes," she replied.
"You definitely need rest!" Paul exclaimed. "Az 'ard az you've been pushing yourself? Eet's no wonder you're 'aving problems!Let's get you to bed!"
She nodded and allowed him to help her to her feet and guide her out of the holodeck. He walked her all the way to her quarters. As they entered she shifted into some lavendar pajamas. Kara had taken Daniel for a walk.
Paul stepped over to the replicator and placed an order. A steaming cup of tea emerged, which he brought to her. "A friend of mine recommends zhis for lack of sleep. Tarkelian tea, an old Trayvan household remedy," Paul said. "Drink it all an' you'll sleep like a baby!"
Katianna smiled softly and took the tea. She sipped it as she sat down on the couch. "Kassia's usually right, too," she replied.
"Kassia? I got zhis from Troy! Do you honestly tink Ah'd walk een on Kassia in ze middle of ze night when I could nae sleep? Tarik would break me een 'alf!" Paul laughed. "Troy 'as been my friend for a long time. 'E 'as lots of good advice, as a good bartender should."
Katianna laughed. "Well, I had a 50/50 shot without reading your thoughts," she smiled, already feeling sleepy, but much better than she had earlier.
"Try to sleep now," Paul said. "Ah'll wait 'ere until ze children are back."
Kat rose to her feet and went to him. "Thank you," she said caressing his facing as she meet his eyes. Tenderly she leaned over and kissed his cheek. With a final gentle smile, she wandered to her room.
Paul, for his part, took up his station on the sofa in the living room. "Computer, music. Someting light. Brahms." Gentle classical music began playing at a low volume. Paul had almost fallen asleep himself when the children arrived home.
"Uncle Paul!!" Laurissa cried as she saw him and ran over, practically jumping onto him.
Paul woke up, startled. "Quiet, little one! Your mama's trying to sleep. An' you should, too. Eet eez late for someone so little!"
"Momma is sleeping now?" she asked with amazement shining in her green eyes. "She is never asleep this early! Is she okay?"
"She will be fine," Paul said. "But when she wakes up, you should give 'er a great beeg hug an' a kiss!"
Laurissa smiled and nodded her head. "I can do that!" she replied. "Are you going to stay for awhile?"
"Ah can stay for as long as your mama will let me," Paul said.
"She'll let you stay a long time!" Laurissa replied with a very large grin. "I just know it!"
"Would you care for some dinner?" Kara asked. "I was about to feed Laurissa before I got her ready for bed."
"I want Uncle Paul to put me in bed!" Laurissa chimed in immediately.
"Okay, okay!" Paul said, only pretending to be offended at having been cajoled. "You may feed me and make me put you to bed! Such torture Ah must endure!"
Kara smiled and Laurissa giggled. After dinner, Paul got Laurissa into bed and read her her night time stories while Kara took care of Daniel. As Kara has gone to bed herself, Paul had made himself at home on the couch, again drifting to sleep.
Several hours later, footsteps wandered out into the livingroom. It was Katianna. As she saw Paul stretched out on the couch, she smiled, grabbing a blanket and covering him. Tenderly, she caressed some of his hair from his face without disturbing him. She knelt down and kissed his forehead. For a moment, she could have sworn she saw his eyes open, but felt him still asleep. With a final look, she wandered back to her own room. Suddenly, on her dresser, there was something she thought was lost for good in what had been her own dimension. She want to the loose-leaf binder and opened it. She was in shock as she saw the photos of Will and her together, and of Ron... There was now less pain and more joy as she remembered each moment she had spent with him. She didn't even have to wonder how it had gotten to her. She already knew.
~Thank you, Kassia,~ she projected. ~I don't know how you did it, but thank you.~
~I knew you'd want that. Especially today~ Kassia replied. ~Take care of yourself, Katianna.~
Allowing herself another smile, she closed the book and settled herself back on the bed, allowing herself to drift back to sleep and into what she hoped would be peaceful dreams.