Karissa was comfortable with Kassia. Not just the fact that Kassia was another counselor and they had that in common, but there was something very calm about her in general. It was the job of a counselor to exude that, but it was more in Kassia's demeanor. It was part of who she was and it was nice. They were also both telepathic. Karissa made a concerted effort not to block her emotions, which she usually did automatically during a session. However, she wasn't usually the one needing the session!
As she nibbled on the sandwich, she looked around at the park setting Kassia had chosen in the holosuites. Since this was not the usual counseling session Kassia wasn't going to follow standard procedure, as Karissa found out. This setting so reminded her of her first holodeck excursion with Ryan . . . It had been the first day they had met.
She allowed her mind to wander back to that day. It seemed so long ago and yet like yesterday all at once. She smiled inward as she remembered that he hadn't been thrilled when he had found out she was his new counselor. He didn't much care for counselors . . . But he had still allowed her to tag along to the holodeck. They had played a mean game of racketball. He had barely won! After their game, she had picked her own program for them to relax for a moment. It was a park setting. She had also used the program for easy rock climbing. But that day she had just used it to talk. She had started over with him and suggested they be friends. They had spent most of the day together and then he had been sent back to Earth . . . It was upon his return and the defeat of the cloned Ronin . . . and her going into heat . . . that had changed the nature of their relationship.
Sorrow, pain and anguish washed over her. They had gone through so much to be together only to be ripped apart forever. And they had barely had time to enjoy their time together . . . She still felt as if she had let him down though it wasn't as intense. She knew he had gone looking for the gate without her. She had followed him because she wanted to help. She wasn't even suppose to be there, but she was. For some reason fate had dealt her this card and she had to play it. But it hurt her so badly and she didn't see how she was going to make it through.
Kassia watched her, experiencing Karissa's emotions and memories. She kept quiet as she took a drink of her water. Finally when there was nothing but pain, Kassia spoke.
"You know he loved you very much. I can feel it through your own memories," she replied. "And yo loved him very much. It's hard to lose someone so close . . ."
For a moment Karissa couldn't find her voice. "This park . . . It reminded me when Ryan and I first met . . ."
Kassia smiled softly and nodded.
"You knew?"
Kassia shrugged her shoulders. "It's part of my job. When I first met you it was one of the details that had escaped your mind and came to mine."
Karissa nodded, sighed and took a bite of her sandwich though her stomach was feeling unsettled. "The only time I don't think about him is when I'm busy . . . Working, shopping, or if I'm-" Suddenly she stopped talking, realizing she almost said exactly what she didn't want to say. She knew that Kassia knew about what she had done on the holodeck, but she hadn't talked about it to anymore.
"You know he's not real," Kassia replied. "One day it will takes its toll on you, and you do need to think about that now."
"I don't understand."
"You're a counselor. You know the danger . . ." Kassia replied.
Karissa sighed. "I won't lose sight of reality," she replied.
"Are you so sure?" Kassia asked, her green eyes assessing the counselor before her.
"If nothing else, I have always been grounded," Karissa assured Kassia.
Kassia smirked. "But you aren't at the moment," Kassia replied.
Karissa immediately took in the other counselor's countenance, with her calm spot-framed face with the green, liquid eyes. The sweet, reassuring presence.
"I don't understand what you mean," Karissa replied, trying to play ignorant.
Kassia shook her head. "Karissa, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You haven't spent time with your friends. You don't do anything other than work and take care of the kids . . . It's time to start living again."
"NO!" Karissa replied with force suddenly. It wasn't what she had intended, but it had come out of her mouth before she had realized she'd said it. She was bewildered as the impact of her reply hit her.
"Ryan is gone. No matter where he is, he wouldn't want you to stop living just because he isn't here. Even if you don't seek another partner, you do have friends that care very much about you . . .You need to start rebuilding the connections in your life and stop hiding from it in memories of what was."
"But—"
"I am not saying to disregard the past. Ryan was the love of your life. I understand that," she replied, thinking of Tarik and the frightening tarot reading she had done for the future. "Rejoice in that past rather than mourn it. I know it's hard. It must be the hardest thing a woman has to do . . . But Ryan would want you to remember him with happiness. Not pain and sorrow . . ."
Tears had spilled into Karissa's dark eyes. How could she just move forward. Her future was suppose to be one with Ryan in it. Now she was expected to go on alone and somehow make it okay. But it would never be okay.
"I can't . . ." Karissa replied quietly.
"It'll take time," Kassia assured her. "But it can be done . . . Why don't you start simple? Invited a friend for dinner . . ."
Karissa shook her head. "I don't know . . . I just . . . Well, not like I haven't done that before since the kids have been born. I suppose I couldn't do that easy enough . . ."
"Okay, then. Let's make the exercise a little more difficult. Make it more than one friend. How about a small dinner party with your closest friends."
"What?!" Karissa replied. "Are you crazy?!"
"Think of this as a homework assignment," Kassia replied with a smirk. "I'm sure you'll find a way to manage."
There was a definitely twinkle in Kassia's eyes as Karissa groaned inward.
She had opened a beach program she'd found in the computer that she didn't think Ryan would recognize and then initiated his program. As he appeared before her, she smiled. Immediate, she ran to him and embraced him. As he looked around he saw a waterfall behind them almost hidden by several trees. There was a beautiful ocean that spanned out on the opposite side of them. The sand beneath their feet was almost pure white and warm beneath their feet. The sun was just beginning to lower in the sky, but it wasn't quite setting.
"What is this place?" he asked as he tenderly caressed her face.
"Ocho Rios, Jamaica," she smiled. "Isn't it beautiful?"
"Hmmmm, very beautiful," he replied, "Though not quite as beautiful as you." With that he tenderly kissed her.
"Oh I needed that," she said, melting into his holo-embrace.
"What is it?" Ryan asked with some concern on his face.
Karissa shook her head. "Oh, just a hard day. You know . . . Things get that way sometimes."
"What's going on?" he asked. "Now that I'm not alive, not like I have anything else to talk about." A smirk crossed his features.
A bittersweet smile crossed her faces and she sighed. "Let's get comfortable first," she said, softly.
Together they sat on the sand. She sat between his legs as his arms snaked around her waist.
"Now what is it? What's going on?" he asked her.
"I, uh . . . had my first counseling session regarding my missing you . . ." she replied, with a sad smiled. Tears misted her eyes as she leaned back into him.
"And what did this counselor say?" he asked, concern filling him.
"Oh, she's a really good counselor . . . But . . . she said I need to start living again. That . . . I've been stuck in the past. In my sorrow . . . That I need to start embracing the future . . ." A breath escaped her. "I just don't know if I can do that . . ."
Immediately Ryan tuned her around so he could look into her eyes. "Listen to me, Karissa. You have to do this . . . I love you and I want you to be happy. She's right. You need to start living again . . . Maybe you should stop coming to see me . . . Maybe then you'll get over -"
"No!" she replied. "That's not an option. Seeing you is what keeps me sane!" She tenderly caressed his face. "If I stopped seeing you, the air I breath might as well be taken away. I don't know if I could stand it right now . . ."
He was quiet for a moment. "Does she know you can commune with the dead?" he asked.
She knew she was treading on dangerous ground. She had to answer the question carefully. "She knows I visit you."
"And what does she say about that?"
"That eventually it will have to end," Karissa replied truthfully.
Ryan took in her words and looked into Karissa's worried face. Tenderly he kissed her. "I am not going to tell you to go, if that's what you're concerned about."
She sighed with replied and relaxed.
"What did your counselor suggest to you for you to get back to living again. I know she has to have suggested something," he said.
"Oh yeah," Karissa replied. "Get this one. My homework assignment is to thrown a small dinner party for a few of my close friends!" She almost laughed.
"That's perfect!" Ryan replied enthusiastically.
"Not you too!" She moaned.
"You're wonderful at parties and a small dinner party would be perfect for you to get your mind off of . . . well . . . me . . ."
Karissa kissed him. "Who says I want to get my mind off of you?"
She began to take off his shirt, as she nibbled on his ear.
"Ah . . . I see what you're after," he teased her. "Promise me that you'll have this party." He said as he kissed her softly around her lips before kissing her deeply. "Promise me, Kari."
She couldn't help herself. "All right, Ryan . . . I promise . . . For you . . ."