Kassia entered the holosuite where she had been only a few days prior. She had the same program running. The moons were shining bright, and she could heard the waves pound the shore. The breeze played across her skin as she slipped her shoes off and walked to the water's edge. The cool ocean current lapped at her feet and she sighed. Images haunted her mind. This was the place she had tried to end her life . . . She still couldn't believe it . . . and though she understood that part of her irrationality had been due to a brain injury, she couldn't get her heart to believe that some part of her hadn't truly wanted to end it all. And if she had succeeded . . . She couldn't even finish the thought. It was too painful. Not only would she have hurt Troy, who ended up being alive, but also the love of her life, Tarik, and all of the people she had grown to care about and love, like Paul, Garek, Toren Len, Danni . . . even Captain Wallace would have been affected, and for what, she though. For her own selfish desire? Tears stung her eyes as she quickly brushed them away and then hugged herself, as if cold. For a moment, her green eyes wandered to the tree where she had been sitting that night. She imagined seeing the blood pooling on the almost white sand and shuddered. Then, Tarik's face when he had seen her . . . bleeding to death . . . Sinking to her knees and letting the water wash around her, her breath came in short rasps. She was being overwhelmed by her own emotions. Trying to reconcile what she knew versus what she felt. Was it possible, she wondered?
"Nice view. Is this your home?" Tarik asked. He'd slipped into the holosuite unnoticed by Kassia.
She turned to him and smiled softly. "I don't know," she answered. "It just feels like a place I should be . . . So maybe . . ."
"Sometimes that's all we have for a home."
She sighed gently, getting to her feet. She turned her gaze back out toward the water.
Tarik took in a deep breath. He knew that the sensation of ocean salt spray was part of the holodeck illusion, but allowed himself to submit to the subjective reality.
"What's on your mind?" he asked.
A self-mocking laugh escaped her. "I am here, trying to understand what I did . . ." she suddenly couldn't look into his eyes as she remembered what she had put him through. What he had had to witness in this very place because of her.
"What you did," Tarik said, looking back into her eyes, "was the result of physical trauma to your brain. I've seen enough people who've suffered brain damage to know that it affects emotional responses."
She still couldn't look at him. "But there must be some part of me that's like that," she said, "Some dark part of my heart that was willing to hurt everyone else that I cared about because of my personal pain. Otherwise I don't think any brain injury would have made me act that way . . . " she explained. "I remember everything I did . . . Its as vivid in my mind as the moment I did it and . . . I can't believe what I did . . ." Her fingers subconsciously traced the scar on her wrist.
"It's hard to say," Tarik replied. "But I don't think that your darker side is any worse than anyone else's. We've all got our darker natures, and sometimes they do surface. Most of the time we can mitigate its influence. You were placed in a position where you could not. And nobody here faults you for that."
"Except me," she replied, tears stinging her eyes. "If I had succeeded, I would have devastated Troy . . . I would have hurt Paul, Garek . . . even Captain Wallace, not to mention Toren and Danni . . . And I know what I put you through . . . for whatever purpose I was born to, it wasn't to hurt people . . . Especially not those I care about . . ." Tears were trickling down her cheeks now and she tried to wipe them away.
Tarik reached for her, held her. "We're our own worst critics. We are also manifestly unqualified to judge ourselves. Don't be too hard on yourself. And you've hurt nobody! In a way, you may have helped."
Trying to stop her tears, she allowed herself to take comfort in his arms as his words sunk in. "How is that possible?" she asked. She didn't understand what he had meant.
"Over the past few days, all of us have seen some of the worst carnage and destruction we've ever seen. Ask Troy--he was with me for some of it. Under circumstances like that it's easy to forget you have a soul or katra or pagh or whatever you want to call it. I've seen people become very twisted and unstable after a major fight. But all of us were able to pull together to help someone we all care about. I wish the circumstances had been different--I don't want to lose you!--but being able to help you helped us remember who we really are."
She still was having a hard time accepting it. All she could remember was how much pain she had caused him . . . How much worry and grief she caused everyone . . . "I understand what you're saying . . ." she replied, "My head does . . . But . . . My heart doesn't . . . And I don't know how to get it to understand . . ."
"I can't speak for everyone else, but I can speak for myself. For the first time in I don't know how long I was actually able to open up with my emotions. You're the first person, despite years of counselors and well-meaning friends--to whom I've ever opened up about what happened to my family. And it wasn't just because of that night. It's been coming for a while. I wanted to let you know that you're not the only one with a guilty conscience, or who has seen into the abyss."
The tears had not stopped and she felt him tilt her chin up, so he could look into her eyes. Tenderly he caressed the tears away, though they were replaced by more.
"I know you understand," she said, her eyes still wet with more tears, turning them into sea green pools. "But -"
"But nothing," Tarik interrupted. "Nobody faults you for anything. The recriminations you feel are coming from that same dark portion of your mind that prompted your act. We can never get rid of the darkness; we can only fight it. That's life, Kassia. Embrace the struggle and you'll be a long way toward finding the inner peace you so deeply crave."
"What would have happened to you had you have lost me?" she asked. She knew what the future would have been like for him. She was the psychic and she had seen it . . . but she wanted to know if he had any idea how things would have been. These were the things she struggled with now. Knowing what she would have put him through . . . Suddenly, she realized that though she was concerned about everyone else, the pain she had and would have caused Tarik bothered her the most.
"What would have happened, would have happened," Tarik replied. "I would have endured, as I have always endured. I can tell you this, however: my life has never been as full and as hopeful as it has beensince I met you. Losing you would have made it darker than I could possibly imagine."
"That's what I mean . . . I know what your life would have been like . . . and knowing that I was willing to do that to you has been very difficult for me . . . Difficult, not just because I care about you . . . but because . . . " she had a hard time saying the words. She knew they were true, but she hadn't heard them from him either. It had been an unspoken truth between them. "Because I love you."
Tarik let out a sigh of relief. "Do you know how long I've been wanting to tell you the same thing? I love you too, Kassia--more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my life!" He held her tighter. "Sometimes it's hard for a man to say these things. My people in particular are noted for saying what they don't mean and for holding back too much. And in a line of work such as mine it's almost an occupational hazard, suppressing one's feelings. You're the first woman--the first person--in my life with whom I can share all of these things without shame or fear! I love you with all my heart, Kassia--don't ever doubt it for a minute!"
Suddenly a sob let loose from her as her eyes cut through him to his soul. It was a mixture of relief and pain. "Now you understand why this hurts me so much," she replied. "I would have rather had my heart ripped out than to put you through what I did . . . I know what you felt when you saw me sitting under that tree right there, bleeding to death . . ." she said motioning to where she had tried to end her life. "I mean, I didn't know until after, but I felt it later . . . " she explained. "And I don't know how to reconcile any of this . . . I suppose it will just take time, but . . . I don't know . . ."
"Stuff like this always takes time. I've got some healing of my own to go through. Can you imagine what it's like to have a death wish and to constantly have opportunities to act upon it in such a way that no one would be any the wiser. They would be likely to commend me for bravery rather than condemn me for stupidity! You've shown me a different way, my dear--a way that makes me better all around. Now let me show you a different way. However long it takes, I'm here for you."
With that, Tarik kissed her deeply and she melted into his arms. He felt her knees give with sudden weakness and swiftly gathered her up like a child. The sobs had quieted down as he continued to reassure her with each and every touch of his lips. Gently finding a spot on the sand he laid her down. He then sunk to the sand beside her. She seemed to finally be calm.
"You'll be all right. Just don't expect it to happen all at once," he reassured her. "We're both going to be just fine."
"I could be better," she teased with a gentle smile.
Though she was no longer crying, her eyes were still bright with the residue of her tears. But now she was with him and planned on taking advantage of this moment. She loved him. He loved her and this would give them both something wonderful to look upon during a time that had caused so much grief.
Tarik took a long, hard look at her. "Naah--you couldn't possibly be better!" he said, smiling.
"I'm not over it," she confessed, "But I want you . . . I want this time with you . . . I want it for us . . ."
"I'm here," Tarik replied simply. "I'll always be here."
"Then kiss me again, and for this brief time, lets forget everything else that's happened. Lets lose ourselves in this moment."
Tarik tenderly caressed her face, as if trying to commit every curve and line to his memory. How soft her skin was. How each spot framed her face . . . Deliberately slow, he leaned over to her and let his lips follow the trail his fingers had made. As their lips touched, she gave herself over to the moment. No one pain. No more tears. No more thoughts about what would have happened. Only they existed, as they lost themselves in their love.