Kassia took a deep breath as she stared out the porthole toward the planet that she would soon be going down to for another Away Mission. Lt. Commander Carter was leading the team and was going to be instructing her . . . Visions of her last Away Mission with Paul crowded her mind and she was hit by intense fear. Her body shook visibly, as her breath became short and fast.
Get a grip she said to herself, but she could still see the Son'a Commander coming at her. She could see Paul's beaten body. She could feel the pain that was inflicted on her by the blows to her body. She could still hear the questions put to her demanding answers.
She tried calming herself and started some deep breathing. She remembered Tarik and the ritual . . . The Son'a Commander was dead. He would never hurt her again . . . But the fear was still there. The shaking wouldn't leave her.
"Hey, Kassia!" Tarik said as he entered her quarters. "Congratulations on your next away mission! I think you'll find Commander Carter a little more level-headed than Lieutenant Deveraux; you can learn a lot from her." Tarik was glad that Kassia was paired with Carter for this mission. She is a top-drawer officer, and maybe having another woman to talk to about what's troubling her might do Kassia some good.
She looked at Tarik and forced a smile, still trying to get her breathing under control. Her uniform was feeling quite constricting. "I'm sure you're right," she replied.
"Are you okay? You've been through a lot, and there would be no shame in backing out of this mission. Nobody expects anyone to turn around and go right back at it after what you've experienced!"
"No . . ." she replied, taking a deep breath, trying to get herself under control. "This is something I have to do . . . " Her mind brought forth the memory of the Son'a Commander striking her across the face and she flinched. She took another deep breath as she attempted to push the memory away.
"You're probably right. Sometimes the best thing is just to get on with life, too. Otherwise, they win in the end!" Tarik replied. "Still having memories?" Tarik could sense her memories of the interrogation; the healing technique had worked imperfectly, as Tarik had feared. Perhaps I should consider looking up an actual Vulcan healer when we return to the station, he thought.
She nodded. "They don't seem quite as intense . . . but," she sighed. "They're still there and still pretty strong . . ." Another flashback hit her. Another blow to the face . . . Again she flinched. "I know that it won't happen again . . . not this time . . . But the fear is still there . . . "
"It'll probably be there for a while," Tarik replied. "When we get back I'm going to see about finding a proper healer for you. I'm afraid I didn't quite do the job I advertised. But I feel responsible for what happened to you."
"Why would you feel responsible?" she asked, as her green eyes met his. "Paul and I were at the wrong place at the wrong time . . . How could you have a bearing on that?" She took a sharp breath in as anxiety hit her, though this time without a barrage of memories. Within moments, the panic decreased.
"Because I knew you were scheduled to go on that mission, and I didn't prepare you for it. I relied upon Paul instead. He's a brilliant scientist but he doesn't always think things through. I should have given you at least some of the basics on what to do in a shore party, but I didn't. I was thinking of other things at the time when I should have been getting you prepared."
She sighed and gently caressed his face. "Captain Wallace had me under Paul's direction . . . Paul was the one who was suppose to show me what to do . . . And he did show me some things . . . Just . . . it all went wrong . . . You couldn't have known . . . " she said. She was still trembling. "And if anyone were to know, it should have been me!" She smiled softly.
Tarik smiled. "Of course. Even so, I can't help but wonder if I couldn't have done more to prepare you as well. At least I could have told you that you don't beam down before the mission briefing! Do you know how many months of training are required before an officer is usually allowed on an away mission? Any little bit we could have gotten in would have helped. If you have any doubts or questions about anything, don't hesitate to ask me. I'll support you professionally just as I've tried to support you personally."
She smiled again, wishing desperately that the trembling would go away. "Actually . . . anything you can tell me would help. Paul and I were so focused on setting up the equipment on the B'aku world that we didn't actually do anything else . . . " she explained, "Which is one of the reasons we were taken by surprise, I think . . ." Images of being choked and held off the ground suddenly coursed through her. Subconsciously, she rubbed her neck where she had been grabbed.
Tarik reached for the back of her neck--gently, because he knew what was going through her mind--and caressed it. "Well, the first thing anyone does upon planetfall is turn on a tricorder and scan for life signs. I'll bet you fifty bars of latinum that didn't happen! If it had, you would have picked up the Son'a and returned to the ship. Not using a tricorder upon landing is gross negligence. Once you've checked the area for hostiles, then you start setting up equipment. If the area is hostile, no fewer than three people should beam down, so at least one can stand guard duty for the others as they do their work."
She sighed with a sad smile. This sounded like common-sense stuff . . . That possibly what had happened to her and Paul could have been avoided very easily . . . And that Captain Wallace knew that. She had sensed that Paul had caught some definite heat over the incident, but had not been told directly that he had. Perhaps excitement had impaired both their judgments all-round. Either way, the error had cost a high price. "Well, I don't think I will forget that lesson anytime soon . . ." she said with a hint of sarcasm.
"Nobody ever makes that mistake more than once," Tarik laughed. "Don't worry about Paul; I covered his ass with Wallace. It is very likely that the energy field from the nearby mountains may have interfered with tricorder readings," he said with a wink. "Had it been anyone else other than Paul, I would have left him for the Son'a!"
Kassia still smiled softly as she turned away. "You've been through this . . . How do you push yourself ahead?" she asked. "I am shaking at the prospect of going planetside again . . . and this is an uninhabited world! I will have a tricorder and will be taught what to scan for and how . . . and how to interpret the readings . . . But . . . how do I get past this overwhelming, irrational fear? I am going to be a Starfleet counselor," she explained, "And yet, I am not sure I can even help myself right now . . . " The fear was mixed with panic, mixed with confusion and even frustration. "I know I could back out. I know Captain Wallace would understand . . . But its not what I want . . ." Tears misted her eyes. "I want to be able to do this job. I want to be part of Starfleet and what I went through is something, though not usual, can happen to an officer . . ." She took another deep breath and let it out. "Something that is always a possibility . . . How do you get beyond the repercussions of something like that?"
"I push myself ahead because I know that other people are depending upon me to do my job," Tarik answered. "As officers in Starfleet we have an obligation to place the needs of others ahead of our own. And as thinking beings we have an obligation to ourselves to never put out less than our best. I don't know how much that helps you, Kassia, but I think when you think about it you'll see what I mean. You're the type of person who won't let herself give up. If you were, you wouldn't be wearing that uniform."
Tarik put his arm around Kassia's shoulder. "If you do back out, no one will fault you at all. There are thousands of people who aren't able to handle the challenge of a Starfleet commission but nonetheless make tremendous contributions to society.
But as you said, this is something you want. I know that certain people have taken a lot of things you want from you before--love, security, even self-respect. Don't let those people take what you want anymore! Sometimes you just have to be tough enough and stubborn enough to persist despite the odds and despite what the demons in your head say. That's how I make it through these things, and that's how you'll do it too!"
She nodded and wiped at a tear that had fallen down her cheek. "I've already made up my mind to go . . . I did that earlier . . ." she said, slowly steadying her breath. "I just want the fear to stop . . . But I guess . . . only time will make that happen . . . I had actually been searching the medical database for help and came across a neural-type suppressant that would mute negative emotions . . . Only, the risk of it muting all emotions is there as well . . . So I didn't go to sickbay . . . I didn't want to be impeded on this Away Mission . . . " she explained, "But I have to wonder if the fear will impede me and my judgments . . ."
"The only surefire method of getting rid of fear is facing it. You had a bad initial experience and that might be with you for a long time. But the more you confront the fear, the weaker it becomes. I think this away mission is going to be a lot better than your last one. You're going down with a full briefing, complete logistical and tactical support from the Arizona--another reason why you don't leave before you're supposed to!--and a more experienced officer to guide you. And, better still, the Son'a aren't believed to be in this sector! So get out there and show them who's boss!" Tarik smiled.
Kassia laughed softly, some of the intensity of her fears ebbing. She knew he was right. This was something she was going to have to bite the bullet and do . . . Her fear was simply the residue left from the only Away Mission she'd been on. It stood to reason her mind would bring that fear to her. It was the only example she had to go by.
"Maybe it would be good to stand out in the sun for awhile . . ." she thought "I didn't exactly get a chance to enjoy it last time . . ."
"That's one of the best things about an away mission!" Tarik said with a grin. "Real air, actual sunshine, being able to feel hot or cold...that's why I like doing what I do! As much as I've talked about it, I don't think I ultimately would have been happy in
Engineering. I like being outdoors! And I think it'll do you some good, too." He gave Kassia a hug, which she melted into. "Now, we don't have a lot of time before you're supposed to leave. Would you like to get something to eat? I haven't eaten in way too long!" Tarik said. It was true: over the past 72 hours he'd barely eaten anything or slept more than a few hours.
"I don't know what my stomach can handle, but I assume I should try to get something into it before the mission," she smiled softly, trying to keep the fear at bay. The intensity had lowered for the moment. She expected it to rise again, right before departure. But for now, she was glad of the mild reprieve. "So is there anything else I should know ahead of time?" she asked, meeting his dark gaze intently.
"Have you been taught how to read a tricorder just yet?" Tarik asked.
He was happy to see Kassia come back to life again. The past few weeks had been very rough on her; seeing her actively take an interest in something was cheering to no end!
She shook her head. "Not really . . . I mean, I can do and interpret some scans, but not very many . . . "
"Well, bring your tricorder with you; I'll give you the basic course. Let me see your tricorder," Tarik said. Kassia handed the instrument to him.
"Ah! This is a Series 2600 tricorder--good, but still needs a few tweaks before it's the best it can be," Tarik said as he opened up the tricorder. It folded out into sections. "This is what's known as the service configuration," he explained, setting it down on Kassia's coffee table. "Don't put it into this configuration unless you're absolutely sure what you're doing!"
"Okay . . . Help me to know what I'm doing then," she smiled, glad that her mind was focused on learning something. "I want to know everything I can . . . In fact, if you're hungry, why don't we replicate something here and you can give me a crash course on the uses of my Tricorder."
"That sounds good! Tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich for me--nothing fancy. As for what I'm doing right now, I'm just doing a few modifications that we who actually use these things have learned over the years. The Series 2800 tricorder incorporates these as standard," Tarik said, jumping various circuits within the innards of the tricorder. "But you won't see a Series 2800 anywhere but Earth or Vulcan for another five years. The rear echelon always gets the good stuff first!"
"You'll have to show me those modifications in case I should ever have to get a new Tricorder and its not the Series 2800," she smiled, as she went to the replicator. "Two bowls tomato soup, Two grilled cheese sandwiches," she ordered. The food appeared and she grabbed the plates. She went to the couch, next to Tarik, and set them down on the coffee table.
"When we have more time I'll show you more about this tricorder than even its designers know!" Tarik said. "There. You'll find that its range and sensitivity have been increased by 30 percent," he said as he sealed up the tricorder again. "First echelon maintenance for a tricorder will never involve anything like what I just did. Mainly you just have to make sure its programming is current and appropriate for your mission. I see you have the basic science module loaded--that's good. It's fairly straightforward, although you'll want some more science instruction before you start using it on your own. Commander Carter will be able to walk you through it for now, but Deveraux's the real wizard when it comes to the science module. When you get back I'll introduce you to the engineering and combat modules. You'll probably not want to deal with the medical module just yet; that's a whole other animal." Tarik took a bite from his sandwich. "Nothing like a grilled cheese sandwich! Always one of my favorite study meals!"
She smiled as she tentatively took a bite of her soup. The warmth was soothing. "Well, I'm ready to learn it all . . . Just show me what you can for now . . . After we eat . . ." She smiled meeting his gaze for a moment, and then took another bite of soup.
"Gladly," Tarik said as he took a spoonful of soup. The look on his face was nothing short of ecstasy.
She giggled softly and realized that for the moment, she felt better than she had since the interrogation had happened. She hoped that she could hang on to that feeling for awhile . . . Gently, she reached over and caressed Tarik's face. He turned to look at her. "Thank you for everything . . . I love you . . ."
"I love you too," Tarik replied. Even with all that had happened, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this content and at ease. Certainly not since he was a child! "Don't ever be afraid to talk to me or ask anything of me. I'm here for you."
Tarik returned the caress and kissed her gently.
"I know . . ." she replied, tenderly, as she kissed him again. "And I will always be here for you too . . . well . . . probably more so when this is all over . . . But you are a part of me . . . and you always will be . . ."
"And you'll always be a part of me, too. Thank you for what you did for me," Tarik replied, as he remembered his parents. "I never expected that and would never have asked that of anyone, but it meant more than I could possibly express."
"I know . . ." she said, "I knew that it would place a good portion of you at peace to know what your parents would have thought . . . They love you so much . . . And to have that is very special . . ." She, herself, did not know if she'd had parents who had loved her. She had had one set of foster parents who had loved her dearly on Trayva before they had died and she was sent to live with Troy's parents . . . But to her own knowledge, she had no parents . . . None that loved her as Tarik's parents loved him . . .
"What I have, is yours. I'm told I have other family as well, but they'd be back in the Empire. You at least have Troy; I've gone through my entire adult life alone, with the exception of the service. Sometimes I still read my parents' anthologies, to get a sense that they're still with me. I'll have to share them with you sometime," Tarik replied. "It isn't much, but it's what I have. That, and any help I can give you with your new life!" he smiled.
She sighed and leaned against him. His arm went around her as if it were meant to be there. This was her new life, she thought. Regardless of what she had gone through, she was meant to be there . . . She was meant to be a part of Starfleet . . . and she was meant to be with Tarik . . . Somehow everything would work itself out.