Ryan was pleased with himself as he walked to Tara's quarters. He'd known for years that she was a fan of poetry and had located in a used bookstore a collection of folk poems written by the miners and farmers of the Briar Patch sector. It wasn't Shakespeare but it was still interesting reading from a cultural standpoint. He hoped she would appreciate it.
Since their arrival in this new world, Ryan hadn't seen as much of Tara. He'd been busy with his own flight training--a process which kept him excited. Unlike the Taelon shuttle he'd flown into this dimension, the Federation's small craft handled in a more seat-of-the-pants style. They reminded him of the F-22 Raptor fighters he'd flown for the US Air Force nearly 400 years and one universe ago. And the view! He'd never get used to seeing two moons in orbit around a planet that looked a lot like Earth. The Briar Patch nebula with its lurid colors also dominated the sky like a great cosmic abstract painting. Who would've thought? was the only thing that kept going through his mind each flight he made.
The other thing that dominated his mind was Tara's seeming shift in attitude toward him. He knew he couldn't monitor every relationship she engaged in no more than she could control his life. But something about her burgeoning relationship with Jayson bothered him.
He worked furiously to control his thoughts as he reached Tara's door, holding the ornately-decorated book before him almost as a shield for his emotions. Somehow, for whatever reason, he felt nervous as he chimed her door.
"Enter," Tara called from the inside. As the door slid open she saw Ryan walk in. She smiled as she was busy trying to fasten a clasp on a gold necklace. "Hello, Ryan!" she greeted happily. "What brings you over?" Though she was preoccupied, she could sense that he was a bit nervous. She stopped what she was doing, straightened her turtleneck and skirt and looked at him. "Is everything all right?"
"Uhh, I suppose so," Ryan said. "Here, I found this for you. Merry Christmas, a little late."
"Oh, how sweet!" she said, as she took the book and looked at it, glancing through the pages, reaching many of them as she went. "Thank you!" With that, she leaned over and kissed his cheek.
Ryan flushed momentarily at the unexpected gesture. "You're welcome. You look like you've got plans, so I won't keep you long."
"Yes, I'm meeting Jayson on the Promenade. He and I are going out for dinner," she said. There was a definite twinkle in her green eyes and a lightness about her.
Ryan inexplicably felt an uneasy feeling at this news. He didn't know what to attribute it to since it was competely at variance with what he'd ever experienced around Tara. "You and he have been spending a lot of time together," he finally got around to saying.
"I suppose we have," Tara replied as she was lost in her own thoughts for a moment. "His DNA matches the baby's and he wants to be a part of the baby's life... Which means, of course, that he'll be a part of my life... and, I'm finding that I... I want him to be..." she finished as her cheeks flushed a bit at the admition.
"I see where this is going," Ryan said, surprising himself with his disconsolation. Where is this coming from? he thought as some disturbed feelings cropped up deep within his mind. "Are you sure you aren't just trying to replace Ron? I know the two of you were... close..."
"You know the two of us were together..." she replied. "Ron and I..." Tears licked at her eyes suddenly. "I'd like to think that I'm not replacing him," she said. "Jayson is his own person and he's a very wonderful person at that..." She could sense something stirring up inside Ryan, but now she was trying to keep her own emotions in check.
"As long as you're clear on that," Ryan said. "A man needs to be appreciated for himself, and not for what he offers you." Where did that come from? he asked himself. What's going on with me?
She looked at his a bit confused. "Of course, I'm clear on that," she said. "Ryan, are you all right?" she asked, as she gazed at him perplexed. "I just don't understand what's happening at the moment... But I'm feeling from you..."
A memory flooded forward, one that Ryan had never experienced before but nonetheless seemed very clear. A pond with a waterfall near the Whitney's on Earth. Him kissing Tara--kissing her! As if that ever had happened...
Then other memories flooded forward. It was as though a door to an overfilled closet had been opened and the contents had spilled out. "I don't know... suddenly all these feelings... what happened to me, Tara? Why haven't I remembered any of this before now?" he asked, almost plaintively. "I remember being in love with you... it's preposterous, I know, but it's there! I can't help myself!"
"Oh my Lord..." she said as her hand flew to her mouth and she stumbled backwards into a chair. "That wasn't supposed to happen... It must have been the dimension jump... It must have weakened it..." She didn't look at him as she thought things through. "Oh Ryan... You were never suppose to remember..." She finally looked at him. There was deep pain in her green eyes. Pain that went beyond words.
Suddenly Ryan found himself upset. "Why wasn't I supposed to remember?" he asked sternly. "Who's been playing with my mind?"
"You gave me your permission, Ryan," she replied, as the tears misted her eyes, but refused to fall.
The memory was hard in coming, but the circumstances prompting his decision were slowly filling in. "I still don't understand," he said, tentatively holding her and still very confused.
"After we found out that my child was Ron's and not yours, you were so upset. You didn't have to say it. I felt it... You were so hurt and... It would have hurt both of us for you to keep being my pilot. I was going to transfer you so that you might get over me and start a new life
for yourself in time... But I also offered you another choice... I offered you the choice of letting me change your memories. Instead of memories of love, they'd be memories of friendship... Then you could continue to be my pilot... and my friend... You chose to stay," she said, as she wiped a stray tear that trickled down her cheek.
"I almost wish I'd chosen the transfer," Ryan said. "At least in our world I could have moved on a little easier. I had friends and connections, and understood how things work. Here, I feel alone...you're all I've got, and I don't even have you..."
"It's not exactly like I planned this," Tara replied, as she looked around and shook her head. "I'm sorry things haven't worked out the way you planned. They didn't exactly work out the way I planned either..." She turned her face away from him as she wiped away more tears.
"I wish I knew how to fix this," Ryan said. "I really do, for both our sakes. If the people here hadn't already killed this Kelly person I'd do it myself for all the grief he's caused us."
"I get the feeling there is more to it all than this Kelly person," she said. "But either way, we're here now... That isn't going to change."
She was quiet for a moment. "I am sorry... I only did what I felt I had to do at the time... We all went threw so much," she said, as a soft sob escaped her as she remembered all the pain she caused and all the pain she felt being caught between the two men she had loved. "I just wanted it to stop... I didn't want to hurt you further..."
"You're probably right about that. Every time his name comes up I get a strong sense that something is deliberately not being said. As for us, there's nothing we can do now except deal with it. I refuse to live as the jilted lover," Ryan said, suddenly feeling more himself. "I won't do that to you or to myself. I just wish I didn't feel so much like I'm on the outside looking in."
"I don't know what to do," she replied, her tears still having not stopped. "Ryan, I don't know what to do to make it right... I can't..." All the pain that she'd had from before came back and hit her full force.
The two fell into a warm embrace, each seeking to comfort the other. "If we can't make it right, we can at least make it work," Ryan said quietly. "I'll do just fine. Enjoy your life. If we don't then all the manipulations that the Taelons and Kelly and God knows who else have put us through will have beaten us."
"As long as you understand I never meant to hurt you..." she said, as she gazed into his aqua colored eyes. She felt him tenderly wipe away her tears.
"I know," Ryan answered. "And really we're right back where we started with all this. Maybe now we can do it right, without the quick fix."
"Perhaps..." she replied. "I suppose all we can do is try and see what happens from here..." She sniffed as she wiped at more tears that fell. The memories from her past had not subsided with the emotional response. The pain was still there. She then felt a tightening in her abdomen and took a deep breath to calm herself.
"Even in this far-flung time and place they still haven't made mascara that doesn't run!" Ryan joked as he walked to the replicator. "Ice water, 4 degrees Celsius," he ordered. A nice cold drink would do a lot to clear his head right now.
Slowly, she got to her feet, but she was a bit wobbly. She was also a bit short of breath and her mind was still very jumbled and off balance. She smoothed out her skirt and turtleneck once more and walked into her room. As she looked at herself in the mirror she shook her head. This wasn't supposed to happen, she thought as she cleaned off the mascara that had run and reapplied it. She made herself look as presentable as possbile, but her eyes were still red and it was easy to see she was still upset. Maybe dinner tonight wasn't such a good idea, she thought... Maybe it would be better if she just crawled into bed... She sighed and headed back out into the main part of her quarters and to where Ryan was.
Ryan handed her a glass of water. "This always helps me," he said. "Maybe I'll go out tonight, too. This place has more night spots than you can shake a stick at. Might as well enjoy the world I have," he said.
"Whatever happened to that girl you met Christmas Eve anyway?" Tara asked, as she sipped the water. "Wasn't she a Starfleet officer also?" She was trying to hard to maintain her composure, but inside she was still like an exploding volcano.
"She's been busy lately. I'll give her another try tonight, then see who else is out there. Everything's going to be fine, Tara," Ryan said in an effort to convince himself as much as her. "Have a good time with Jayson. I'm a big boy; I can take care of myself."
She nodded as she knew that he wasn't all right. She could feel him as she could feel herself, and sighed. "How do I look?" she asked, feeling like she still looked awful.
"You look like you could use a good time," Ryan said. "Now get out there and have some fun!"
"I'll try..." she replied as she went to him. She leaned in to kiss his cheek and then for a moment, she hesitated. Finally she kissed his cheek. "I'll talk to you later then..."
Have a good time tonight!" Ryan said as the two of them left her quarters--she for her date with Jayson and he for a night at the Gunslinger Saloon, a place that reminded him of some of the cowboy bars in his hometown of Durango, Colorado. Durango existed in this dimension as well. Maybe I'll drop in sometime, Ryan thought.
Once they reached the Promenade they separated. She found a bench and sat down for a moment. She still wasn't sure what to do about her date... So much was running through her head she might not be much fun to be around, she thought, but if there was anyone she wanted to see right then it was Jayson... Slowly she got back up to her feet and headed off to meet him in front of Kassia's shop.