Karissa looked into his intense, dark eyes as she tenderly caressed his face. He held her hand close to his cheek and turned to kiss it. He reached for her, pulling her to him in a passionate embrace. His lips crashed down on hers with abandon and she lost herself to him and his presence. She let her fingers run through his hair and over his shoulders. She wanted his nearness . . . As the kiss ended and he drew away from her only a few centimeters, he looked into her eyes. She could see into them and see everything that she felt reflected there. Her desire, her wants, her passion . . . Her love for him . . .
"I love you . . ."
"And I love you too," he said as he caressed her face.
But suddenly, their moment was brutily interrupted. A cage came down around her as a Naussican grabbed Ryan and hauled him up. A fight insued as she was forced to watch.
Not again, she panicked. This can't be happening again!
Suddenly, she was in the decon chamber, waiting on the cycle to end. It was just about done. She was there, watching the scene unfold once again. Just as it had before.
"NO!!" she screamed as she watched the glass inch up.
She was on the ground, ready to roll under, but nothing happened faster. In fact, it was almost the opposite. As if she time was moving slower. And just as she cleared the glass, she watched again as the Naussicaan plunged the knife into Ryan's stomach.
"Ryan!!!" she screamed as he was pushed through the gate.
Immediately, she awoke with a start. She looked around the room and for a second, she thought it had just been a dream . . . until she looked at the empty pillow beside her.
Tears sprang to her eyes as she grabbed the pillow and held it. She glanced around the room and saw everything that reminded her of their brief life together . . . And this room, like their quarters was a constant reminder . . . Karissa sighed as the tears spilled easily down her cheeks. Quietly she cried so she wouldn't disturb the twins. How could she go on, she thought . . . So many times a week she had dreams like this that woke her, and she would open her eyes to the reminders of their life and what they had together and what they should have had . . .
With reluctance, she knew what she had to do. It was for her own sanity, though she didn't know what good it would truly do. But perhaps it would be enough for the moment.
Craig McConaughy was overwhelmed with work. The refit of the Ronin was scheduled to take place upon their arrival at SB901; in the interim, there were requisitions to process, personnel transfers to approve or deny, and intelligence reports to review. A straightforward combat assignment had immense appeal to McConaughy: he liked situations in which the decisions were cut and dried. The most recent mission of the Ronin, a diplomatic mediation, really put him out of his element.
So did administrative work, and right now Craig had more of that than he'd ever wanted to see. It was with relief that he greeted the door chime.
Karissa entered with her usual grace, though the dark circles under her eyes never seemed to diminish as of late. She smiled as she saw the Captain busy at work and tried hard not to imagine Ryan there.
"Good day, Captain," she greeted, her dark eyes gazing at him.
"Good day, Ms. Bentara. How can I help you?" Craig said as he stood up to greet her.
"Oh, don't get up on my account," she smiled gently. "I . . . uh . . . just wanted to let you know that I am going to be vacating the Captain's quarters - your quarters - later today . . . I thought you'd like to know."
Craig looked at her with concern. "Are you quite certain you're ready to do this?" he asked. "There really is no rush."
"You've already been quite generous, Captain," she said as her eyes misted a bit. She remembered the nightmare and nodded, "And I . . . I think I need to do this . . ."
"Don't do more than you can handle," he said. "We're going to be in drydock for a while while the ship gets a refit anyway, so there's no rush," Craig said. "Can I get you some water or anything?" he asked.
She took a breath and shook her head. "That's all right. But thank you . . . Thank you for everything. I really do mean that. You had every right to have my children and I move from those quarters as soon as you came aboard and you didn't . . ." For a moment, she felt the lump grow in her throat. She missed Ryan so much. "I really do appreciate that."
Craig nodded his head in acknowledgement. "Despite what you might have heard, I'm by no means the heartless bastard some make me out to be. You've been through something unspeakable, and you need to adjust. Throwing a widow and her children out of their home, indeed!" he laughed. "But you should consider seeing a counselor yourself. I understand the one they have at SB901 is one of the best in the Fleet."
"I might consider it," she smiled softly. "I just hope you don't think I can't handle my job here . . . I really can . . . It's just my own life that gives me trouble," she smiled sadly. The darkness of events was evident in her eyes.
"My only concern is that you don't get yourself squared away," Craig answered firmly. "There have not been to my knowledge any complaints about your ability to function, which means to me that you're doing your job. But the job is not all you are. I can replace you as counselor very easily--and don't take that as a mark against your services. Your value as a human being is higher, and your children can't replace you as their mother. Take care of yourself or your efforts will be for nought."
Tears misted her eyes as she smiled and nodded. "Thank you, sir," she replied. "You know, when we first meet that day, I hadn't picked up much from you just that you seemed angry . . . And then with the crew you seemed a bit distant and cold. But your not . . . Captain, if you open yourself up to this crew, they will follow you to the edges of hell and back. Just like they did for . . " Again the lump formed in her throat. "for Captain Evans." She looked away as she collected herself. "This is a good crew. The best I've been with . . ."
"I can't replace Evans, and a good captain knows better than to try. I haven't pushed myself on them because I know they'd never tolerate it. When we get to the station we'll take on some new crew, and then the overall balance aboard the ship will change. But for now, I cannot hope to suddenly replace Captain Evans in the hearts and minds of the crew as though he were simply reassigned."
"No . . . but being distant will alienant you from them," she explained. "They want to know who their new Captain is. Is he this distance and cold person . . . ? Believe me, I'm a telepath. I'm hearing it . . . As much as there's grief and loss they want to know you. They want to know if you're going to be worthy of their loyalty. Not that you don't have it, but if you're going to be worthy of it . . . And though that takes time, it also takes you getting to know them and them getting to know you. " She was quiet for a moment as she looked down. "Ryan's memory is always going to live on this vessel. It was his ship and part of him will always be here . . . But I think that it doesn't mean you can't become part of this history . . . You just have to reach out a little. Show people who you are . . ."
"I suppose you're right," Craig finally agreed after thinking it over. "On my previous commands I always made it a habit of meeting with each crewmember for a few minutes after taking command. I haven't really had the chance here before now. I think while the ship is in spacedock I'll take advantage of the comparative lull and get to know the crew on their own terms."
She smiled softly. "That might be a good idea, Captain," she replied.
"I'll make it a point, then. I might need your help in setting up an appropriate schedule, of course. You know this crew in far more detail than I do at the moment; I'll be depending upon you to help me out."
She nodded. "I think I can handle that . . ." Her dark eyes glimmered briefly at the thought of the project.
"Excellent!" Craig beamed. "But back to what we were talking about: take whatever time you need to move out. I don't want you to feel as though you're being kicked out."
She swallowed hard once again and lowered her eyes as they misted with tears. Just the mention of the quarters made her think of Ryan . . . As she pulled herself together she looked back at him. "No problem. I made up my mind this morning that it was time to move. I've made arrangements and . . . I think I should have everything done tonight. If not, then by tomorrow night for sure. I really do appreciate the time . . . And I definitely don't feel kicked out . . . I just . . . I needed to do this . . ." Tears misted her eyes again. She took a deep breath. "I can't keep waking up and . . . and thinking he's there . . . and then . . . realizing that he's not . . ." She wiped away a stray tear as it fell down her cheek.
"I understand," he answered. "More than you know. Just don't try to rush the process, okay? That'll only make matters worse."
She wiped at another stray tear, wishing she weren't crying in front of her new Captain, but unable to stop stray tears from falling. "I'll try not to, Sir."
"In here, it's Craig," he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "And it's okay. We all need to talk sometime."
She smiled again as she wiped at more tears. "Thank you . . . Craig." She reigned in her emotions and the tears finally stopped. "I'm all right," she assured him. "Feel free to call me Karissa. Anyway, I believe I've taken up a lot of your time as it is . . . I should probably let you get back to your work."
"Quite all right," he answered with a smile. "These reports were driving me buggy! My door is always open--don't ever forget that!"
"All right," she replied, "I won't forget that . . ." With a glance she left the office and headed to her quarters to get ready for the big move.
Karissa had gone through everything and was now busy storing it away for the move to her new quarters. She was ready to leave the quarters she had shared with Ryan briefly, but happily . . . Soon Captain McConaughy would come to take this place. It was, after all, the Captain's quarters.
As she looked around she picked up a stray picture of her and Ryan together holding the twins. It was the last picture they had taken together . . . Their last one as a family . . . Suddenly tears sprang to her eyes. He was gone. They didn't even get to spend Christmas together as a family . . . It was just her with Maya and Luc . . . Taking a deep breath she tried to stop the tears as she sniffed and wiped at the ones that fell. But it was difficult to regain her composure. Slowly and carefully, she packed the framed photo away.
Just then Ming arrived. "Did you need me to help you? Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked.
She was surprised and turned. She hadn't sensed his presence, so caught up in her own thoughts. She quickly wiped away the rest of her tears and pointed around the quarters.
"I need to finish packing everything up. Shara's watching the twins for me at the moment while I try to get everything done . . . It's just . . . difficult," she said softly, her dark eyes turning away as they misted with more tears that did not fall.
"I know. I wish I could do more to help," Ming said as he began removing pictures from the walls. "How are the kids doing with all of this?" he asked, although he suspected they were entirely too young to know what had happened.
"They're only a few months old . . ." she replied, trying to maintain her composure as she picked up a book . . . One of Ryan's. She packed it and looked at him. "They just eat, sleep, play and watch the world around them. They're smiling, laughing, beginning to crawl, but they don't realize that they lost their father. They will, however, feel it when they get older . . ." she took a deep breath and looked down. "I still can't believe he's gone. I saw it and I still can't believe it . . ." She leaned over onto one of the boxes and hid her face in her arms trying to stifle her cries of sorrow.
Ming stood beside her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "It's okay," he said. "Let it all out. I know how much he meant to you."
She slowly regained her composure, but she didn't look well. She was pale and thinner than she had been. There were also dark circles under her eyes.
"He was my soulmate . . . and I watched him die . . ." she said. "I know there was nothing I could do about it . . . But I can still see his face - every nuance of it as the knife stabbed him and then as he went through the gate. It's played through my mind a thousand times . . . And every morning I wake up in bed, and for a moment, I think he's there . . . Then I open my eyes and realize it was just a dream. That he's really gone . . ."
As much as she tried to keep them from falling, a stray tear fell from her dark eyes, down her cheek. Much as they always did as of late.
Ming dried the tear from her cheek with his finger. "Is there any chance he might have survived? You know, maybe the gateway could have revived him. It's a thought, anyway."
She shook her head. "I don't know . . . Very slim . . . And even if he did survive, there's no telling where the gate would have taken him . . . " She sighed. "No . . . somehow I have to see my way through this grief and get on with my life, but its so difficult . . . I don't sleep, I can't eat . . . I constantly see that moment over and over in my head . . ." With weary defeat, she walked to the couch and sat down. "It just hurts so badly . . . Like I have this big gaping hole in my chest now . . ." Her sigh was filled with despair.
"I'm told this is normal," Ming reassured her. "You're going to feel like this for a while. But don't forget that you have a ship full of people who are willing to help and support you through this. You're not alone. Remember when we had that discussion about who should counsel the counselor?"
Karissa nodded and managed a small smile. "Thank you . . ." she said. "The pain is just so overwhelming . . ."
"Don't try to carry it alone. You'll only end up destroying yourself, and the little ones don't need that," Ming advised, suddenly feeling as he had no right even to talk to Karissa about these things. Stubbornly he cast his inner demon aside and took Karissa's hand. "We're all here for you. I'm here for you. Don't forget that."
She nodded. "I don't know how to share this," she said as her dark eyes met his, still misted with tears. "I mean, I was the one who saw what happened . . . I was the one who lived his last days with him in this room . . ." With that, another sob escaped her. Quickly, she got herself under control or as under control as she could manage. The pain and loss covered her like a shroud that she could not cast off.
"Don't try to fight it," Ming said. "You're doing exactly what you need to do. Tell the story, let it all out," he urged her.
"I loved him, Ming . . . More than I ever loved any man . . . He was everything to me . . ." she shook her head as more tears came. "Why did he have to died? Every day that my mind goes back to that moment, I keep asking myself why I couldn't have gotten through just a few seconds earlier . . . I could have saved him . . . I really could have saved him . . . But because I didn't, he's dead. He's gone . . . The love of my life is gone . . ." She wiped at the tears that continued to fall.
"What's to say that you wouldn't have been killed, too, under those circumstances?" Ming asked. "What would your children have done without both of their parents? You can't blame yourself for this. Ryan knew the risks and accepted them. And in his death he probably saved all of us. Don't do this to his memory, and don't do this to yourself."
"Knowing what I can do, I don't think the Nausicaan would have stood a chance . . . He didn't once I finally got in there . . ." she said softly. "It's just hard not to blame myself . . . I mean, I know Ryan wouldn't want to see me like this . . . to see me in such pain . . . But this is what I'm feeling at his loss. A part of me was ripped away. I'm not whole anymore . . . I need to heal, but I'm not sure how . . . All I know of is time . . . Time heals . . . But how much time will I need? Sometimes I think maybe I'll need forever . . ."
"Maybe so. Just remember that healing is a journey, not a destination. You taught me that once, a long time ago," Ming replied. "And along the way, you'll have all the help you'll need. Ryan wouldn't want you blaming yourself or cutting yourself off. He'd want you to live, and enjoy life, and be the best mother you can be for the kids."
She smiled for a moment and then broke down again into tears as she remember the photo. She held herself as the tears came. Quickly she tried to gain composure, but it took her some time. She wiped away many tears. "I am trying to be the best parent I can be to the children . . . I want them to have the best of everything . . ." She was trying very hard to keep herself together. "I just wish their father was here to see them grow up . . ." She shook her head gently as she thought about things. "Its never going to be okay . . ." she said softly.
Ming was quiet for a moment, reflecting upon what Karissa had said. "He is here," Ming replied. "You can't see him, but he's here, and he'll be here. And you will make things as good as they can be for them." He looked directly at her. "I'm not Ryan, and I could never be Ryan in any sense. But if you ever need my help with the kids or anything else, just say the word."
She looked at him and smiled gently. She took his hand and squeezed it. "Thank you . . ." she said. Tears were still bright in her eyes and on her cheeks. "Sometimes I wonder how I'll live through this pain . . . I know I will, but . . . It just hurts so much . . . Maybe thinking he's still hear with me will help . . ." She said as she wiped yet another straying tear.
"You don't have to carry the pain alone," Ming answered, squeezing her hand. "Don't ever forget that."
With another soft smile as she wiped away more tears, she stood up. "Well, I think that's enough of that . . ." she sniffed, trying hard to hold herself together. "I have a lot of work to do yet . . . I still have several items that need packing. I could certainly use your help for that," she said. It was obvious she was trying to turn her mind from her current thoughts, though it was going to be hard, considering what they were having to pack up.
"Yes, I brought my tools so we can disassemble the cribs and get them moved," Ming said, hoisting a small bag. "We should have this done in no time." If nothing else, staying busy would help her get through her grief. Ming stood up and got to work. "Just hang in there, Karissa. Things will get better," he said as he went to the other room to begin his work.
Better . . . she echoed in her mind. Would they ever get better without Ryan beside her, she wondered as she began to pack up the contents of a shelf.