Will Hancock had the babies with him in Sickbay to watch them as Karissa conducted a counseling appointment. With Ryan gone, Will and Ming had traded off on the childcare responsibilities for Maya and Luc.
Will, though a doctor, had not specialized in pediatrics. Nor did he have any real experience with children. So caring for two rambunctious babies was a bit beyond what he had expected.
Maya and Luc were both on the exam table in Sickbay, awaiting a diaper change from Will. This can't be too bad, Will thought as he unfastened the first diaper.
Suddenly he turned his head away as an overwhelming smell assaulted his nose. Maya had a full diaper. "Well, better take care of that right now!" Will said as he disposed of the diaper. He turned Maya over to clean her up. He turned his back for just a moment to get a wipe--only to turn back and find Maya busily crawling away from him on the table.
"Oh, no you don't!" Will scolded as he retrieved the baby. Maya giggled at him as he cleaned her up and put a fresh diaper on her.
Now it was Luc's turn. Luc tried to escape, but wasn't nearly as successful as Maya. Will unfastened the diaper, but learned that his reflexes probably weren't quite fast enough for the job...
"Oh, Luc!" he exclamed as the stream hit him in the face! Will turned away to get a towel and a wipe for Luc. When he turned back, Luc was laughing and smiling at him. "Oh, sure! Laugh now! Someday it'll be your turn!" Will said as he began working on Luc.
Karissa entered sickbay and looked at Will as he tried to manage the twins and smiled. One of the few smiles she had as of late and her children her the only ones who could give them to her. But suddenly she saw Maya creep too close to the edge of the exam table edge so she bolted forward and grabbed her.
"Hi, Will," she said softly with her gentle smile. "I see the twins have kept you busy." She tenderly kissed Maya's cheek.
"I had her!" he said indignantly as he kept Luc from doing the same thing. Then, cleaning his face off more thoroughly, he addressed Karissa. "You could say that," he said with a smile.
"They keep me on my toes too," she replied with a laugh.
Will held Luc as he turned toward Karissa. He could feel the gentle tickle of Luc's telepathic abilities, just barely coming to the fore, touching his mind. He felt something else, too, but he wasn't sure about that. "How have you been doing?" he asked, with concern.
She shrugged as her mood grew a little somber. "I live day by day," Karissa replied as she looked down for a moment as if gathering her emotions together. She then looked back up at him. "It's the only way I can survive. I . . . I can't think too much about it. If I do . . ." She let out a breath and gave him a look that said it all.
"Listen, Karissa, you shouldn't try to go through this alone, any more than you should be taking care of the kids alone. If you need to talk, you know I'm here."
She swollowed hard at the lump that formed in her throat. "I know . . ." she replied, gently placing her hand on his arm. "Thank you . . ." For a moment she was silent as she looked at the twins and then she looked back into Will's eyes again. "How would you feel about coming over and helping me with the kids tonight? I could use an extra pair of hands . . . and I'm sure you'd like to spend more time with Maya anyway . . ." She had stated it, but her voice posed it as a question.
Will felt a very odd surge come over him as Karissa touched his arm. "I'd love to!" he said, a bit more enthusiastically than he'd intended. "When would you like me to come over?"
"Anytime after shift is fine," Karissa replied.
Maya reached and grabbed at her hair getting her attention. Karissa gently smiled with patience and took her daughter's hand out of her hair. She then kissed her cheek.
"My little troublemaker!"
"I'll be there!" Will said as he caught Luc pulling off his combadge. "Hey! That's mine!" he said as Luc smiled at him.
Karissa couldn't help but laugh and she took Luc from Will's arms. "Be forewarned. They like anything shiny! Actually, they are curious about anything and everything!" she laughed. "Remember that saying about curiosity and the cat?" She arched her eyebrows as she waited for him to make the connection to the children.
Will groaned. "I never figured you to make puns!" he said as Luc grabbed the combadge again, this time flinging it to the floor. Karissa and Will both bent down to retrieve it, Will bumping up against Karissa quite by accident. An odd sensation rushed over him. A sensation he hadn't felt since...Oh, my God! he thought! This can't be happening!
She rubbed her head for a moment and smiled. She had made the mistake of putting the twins down to retreive the commbadge. Now they had started wandering off. Slowly, but surely. They had only just begun the mechanics of crawling, but they were learning fast . . . Quickly she grabbed Luc and headed off after Maya. In another moment, she had them both back in her arms again. "Oh you two . . . What am I going to do with you, huh?" she laughed as she kissed them both. Without them, she wouldn't make it through this time and she knew that. They kept her going. "So I'll see you after shift, right?" she asked as she looked back to Will.
"Uhh, yeah," Will said, still a little uncomfortable with the sensation he'd just felt. "I'll be there, unless something comes up."
She arched her eyebrow for a moment and then smiled again. "Okay, I'll see you then." Without a second thought, she left with the kids, one on each hip.
What the hell is going on with me? Will thought. It's almost like it was that night...hard to believe it's been so long now! Will turned to his office and attempted to bury himself in a medical journal to avoid what he was most afraid might be happening.
Karissa took the kids to her office where she finished up her paperwork.
Once her shift was over, she headed back to her quarters. She laid down a few toys for Luc and Maya to play with and laid down on the floor herself to interact with them. She found herself lost in their play, as they laughed and made silly noises and shook rattles of various types.
Will arrived shortly afterward, with a small gift in hand. "Uhh, hello," he said as Karissa opened the door. Not normally a man to be unsettled by anything, Will nonetheless felt his heart in his throat.
"Ah, what's this?" she asked. "Something for the little ones?" She showed him into her new quarters.
"Actually, no," Will said, handing the package to Karissa. "Something for you!"
"For me?" she asked with peaked curiosity. "Should I open it now or later?"
"Whenever you like," Will said as he knelt down to play with the babies--and divert his own racing thoughts.
Unable to resist, she opened the package and found a bottle of Regulan schnapps. What she knew of the drink was that it was five times more powerful than Romulan ale. She lifted her eyebrows in surprised amusement. But she had to admit, a drink sounded very good . . . After the twins were in bed for the night. She was blessed that they slept through the night. It would be a long time before they adopted her four hour a night sleep schedule, if at all, she thought. And they slept pretty soundly yet.
"Maybe later we'll have to get into this," she smirked as she placed the bottle on the counter.
"Anytime!" Will said as he sat on the sofa. "So have these guys been giving you much trouble this afternoon?"
"Not when I can keep them distracted!" she smiled as she joined him on the floor. For a moment, she took Luc in her arms and held him high in the air above her. He laughed and smiled as she lifted him up and down making faces at him and kissing him when she would bring him down to her. Then, she put Luc down and grabbed Maya and tickled her. Her laugh was like joyous music. "I hope they weren't too much trouble for you in Sickbay! Looks like they were keeping you pretty busy when I walked in!"
"It's good for me," Will said with a grin. "Builds character!"
Karissa laughed. "I guess so," she replied. "In a few minutes it will be dinner for these rugrats. Want to help me feed them some strained green beans?"
Will helped Karissa carry the twins to the high chairs. They fed them. Then he actually helped bathe them and get them ready for bed. When they were together in the nursery sitting side by side in the rockers holding the babies and rocking them to sleep with their last bottle of the night, Karissa for the first time in a long time felt as if she weren't alone. Tenderly, she looked down at Luc's sleeping face and caressed it.
Placing the bottle to the side, she got up gracefully and carried him to his crib. Gently, she laid him down. As she looked at Will, she noticed Maya was just drifting off.
"Want me to take her?" she asked.
"Sure," Will said, not entirely willing to let go of the baby. It was his daughter, after all, and only recently had he really gotten to interact with her much.
Karissa tenderly took Maya from him and carried her to her own crib and laid her down. As she gazed into the sleeping face, she felt Will suddenly beside her. "I come in here a lot a night to just watch them . . . " she told him.
"I can see why," Will said as he watched the babies. "Not a care in the world there," he said with a smile. He found his hand wandering over to take Karissa's, but he wasn't sure what to make of that.
Gently, she squeezed his hand and then began walking out of the room. As he followed her found her pour two glasses of the schnapps that he had brought over. She brought over a glass to him.
"Care for a drink?" she asked. "I know I could certainly use one! Thanks for the gift." As her dark eyes met his, she smiled, but there was always that sadness there.
"Just be careful with that! It's not exactly iced tea!" Will said as he saw the schnapps.
"I know," she replied as she sipped at it. It tasted fruity, but she could tell it packed a punch. She was thankful that her body metabolized alcohol quickly. She walked over to the porthole and looked out as she took another sip. "Thanks for your help tonight. For the first time in a long time, I haven't felt alone . . . It hasn't been easy taking care of the twins by myself . . . It wasn't suppose to be this way . . ."
"You're not entirely alone. I'm here to help you, and so is Ming. And the rest of the crew knows what you're going through. There's not one of us who wouldn't go out of our way to help you with anything you need."
"Sometimes its hard to ask," she replied as she took another sip. "And its not the same . . ." She felt the tears welling up in her eyes but she forced them away. She took another drink and stared out at the stars.
"It'll never be the same," Will said as he put his arm around Karissa's shoulders. "No one expects that it would be the same. But it is all we can offer, and we offer it freely."
"Thank you," she replied barely above a whisper as the memories she always tired to hold at bay crept into her mind. It always happened every night around this time. She finished her glass of schnapps trying to drive the demons away. Though she knew it was a poor way to do it . . . But right now, she was willing to do anything.
Will sensed the change in Karissa. "How can I help you?" he asked.
She took one of his hands with her free hand and tenderly held it as she gazed into his eyes. "I don't think there's anyone that can help me . . . I can do my job. I can take care of my children. But . . ." she fought the wave of tears that threatened to come. "But personal life, or rather, my emotional life outside of work and motherhood is a wreck. And there seems to be nothing I can do about it . . ." As she let go of his hand, she walked over to the counter and poured herself another drink. She took a couple of deep breaths trying to fight off the grief and pain that was threatening to crash in on her.
"Nothing you can do on your own about it," Will said as he took her hand once again. "Remember, you are not alone! So don't make yourself alone!"
"You don't understand," she said, some of the tears breaking through and misting her dark eyes. "I don't know how to share this. I don't know how not to be alone in this . . ."
"You're going to have to learn, Karissa," Will said simply. "I'm not a counselor, but I am a physician. I know what keeping grief inside can do to a person. I've seen it destroy too many good people, and I won't let that happen to you!"
"And that's just it . . . I can't let it destroy me," she said. "I have two children . . ." She sighed, looked at her drink and downed half of it. "I have to be here for them. They need me . . ." She wiped at her tears. "But every night . . . I think about him. I think about what happened. I . . . I can't not think about it. And I miss him so much . . ." she wiped at more tears and downed the rest of the drink. Just as she was going to reach for the bottle again, the effects began hitting her and she grew a bit lightheaded. It was a good sensation and she took a deep breath. She finally poured one more drink.
"I can't be what Ryan was to you, Karissa. No one can. All we can do is offer the best we can. It beats going it alone. Think on that," Will said as he watched Karissa down a rather large quantity of the very expensive liqueur.
"No, no one can be Ryan . . ." she echoed. Suddenly, she stumbled back a bit and dropped the glass. Many memories were hitting her all at once. Her mind was playing all the times her and Ryan had together . . . From when they first met, to their first encounter, to their entire relationship and then that disasterous mission. If only she had gotten through that decon cycle faster . . . If only . . . If only . . . The lightheadedness was getting worse. "I feel strange," she said as her voice cracked. Tears had just started pouring from her eyes a few moments before.
Will held her as the tears flowed. This is what she's been needing, he thought as Karissa's telepathic barriers slipped just enough to show him what she'd been experiencing.
"Why . . . Why . . . Why . . ?" she cried, "Why did he have to die? Why didn't I get in there soon enough? Why . . . ?" She tried to reign in her tears, but she couldn't through the light-headedness. And the memory wouldn't leave her. It was the one that always plagued her. The vision of Ryan being stabbed before her eyes, just as she had cleared the decon chamber . . . She was only a moment too late . . . Fate was so cruel. Why? she simply thought over and over again as the memory played in a loop.
"We don't know why. We never know why," Will said, trying desperately to give Karissa the strength he knew she desired. "Why did Ryan go in the first place? Why were we all assigned to the Ronin? Why--" Why did you seduce Ryan and Ming and me? he almost asked, but stopped himself just short. She doesn't need this right now, he reminded himself.
"Why did I seduce you, Ming and . . . Ryan . . .?" she asked for him. It was the first thing she had picked up telepathically in awhile on her offtime. She didn't know why this filtered through the noise of her own mind, but it did. "I just want him back . . . I know it won't happen, but I want him back . . . I want to hold him and tell him I'm . . . sorry . . ." Suddenly her world turned to darkness.
Will grabbed Karissa by the shoulders and hoisted her back up, laying her on the couch. She's out cold, he thought as he checked her vitals. She'll be okay; just one hell of a hangover. Will found a blanket and placed it gently over her.
Will posted himself in an adjacent armchair to monitor Karissa's progress. More than his friend at this point, Karissa was now Will's patient. He got himself coffee from the replicator and settled in for a long night.
Will was still awake when Karissa finally stirred from her alcohol-induced stupor. "Good morning, starshine!" Will said with a smile. Orange juice awaited her on the coffee table.
She groaned. "I think my head is going to explode," she replied. "I don't think I ever remember having a headache like this before."
"Probably because you've never drank three-quarters of a bottle of Regulan schnapps on your own," Will said with a grimace. "Try the orange juice and the sober pills. They might help."
Remembering the several drinks she had, she nodded and took the pills and juice without complaint. "Thank you," she replied. "I'm sorry about last night . . ." She laughed. "There's a vision. Me drunk, sobbing my eyes out almost incoherently . . ."
"You needed the release," Will said frankly. "You were tearing yourself apart inside."
"Yeah . . ." she replied quietly. "I'm sorry you had to babysit me. You had to miss out on a night of sleep . . ."
"Anytime you need a babysitter--for the kids or for you--just let me know," Will said cheerfully. In reality it hadn't been all that bad.
"Of course," she replied. For a moment, she was quiet. "I suppose you know . . . what haunts me, especially after last night's spectacle . . ." she said, unable to look at him.
"We're all entitled to one every now and again, and you've had one coming. Think no more of it!"
"Its not the spectacle that I'm thinking about . . . Please . . . Don't mention what I said last night to anyone . . . I can still do my job, but if this got back to our new Captain, I don't know if he would allow me to continue. And if I can't work, I will really lose it . . ." Her dark eyes were filled with anguish and pain. She wasn't just afraid of being placed offduty, there was more to it. She wanted to know what he thought about last night and what she had said . . . But she didn't want to come out and ask.
"I'm your doctor. Not even the Captain can make me divulge what you reveal to me in confidence," Will assured her. "More than that," he continued, looking her straight in the eye, "I'm your friend."
She smiled. "Thank you . . ." she replied, feeling comforted.