Paul tossed and turned, unable to sleep. It was rare that he had trouble sleeping.
"Lights 50%" he said as the lights in his small but well-decorated quarters turned on dimly. Paul stumbled to the replicator, thinking to get something to help him sleep. "Time?"
<The time is 0224 hours>
"250 milligrams of--aw, who am Ah kidding?" Paul said
<Please restate replicator request.>
"Belay zhat order." Paul knew what the real problem was. It was what it had been the past several days.
After his past with many different women, after the incident on Swarva, Paul really didn't think he'd be able to settle down with a woman. But Katianna was changing his mind. He wasn't sure how she would take the news. After all, they'd only really known each other a few days, and she had already been...involved.
If I say nothing, nothing will happen. If I say something to her, she may say yes, she may say no. But at least I have been true to myself. he thought.
"Open a comm channel to Katianna Nadira," Paul said. "Voice only."
<Channel is open.>
"Kat, zhis eez Paul. Ah need to talk weeth you."
To his surprise, she sounded wide awake. [Okay] she replied. [Care to meet somewhere?] she asked.
"If you would like," Paul said. "Ah 'ope Ah did not wake you!"
[Oh, no] she replied. [In fact, I was just in the middle of a program at Holo Pursuits. You're welcome to join me here, or we could meet at Harry's or wherever you'd like.]
"Let's meet at Harry's. Ah want to sit down an' talk."
[Okay, I'll meet you there in 15 minutes.] she said.
Paul dressed quickly and headed immediately to Harry's. He actually had no idea that it was an all-night establishment before now. He awaited Katianna in one of the booths.
As she walked in, she was dressed in black pants and a black tank top. Her auburn hair pulled away from her face in a tight pony tail. She had a towel around her neck and a bottle of water in her hand. As she saw him she smiled gently and went to him taking the seat across from him in the booth.
"You look pretty tired," she said as she observed him carefully.
Paul felt embarrassed by his own appearance as he looked over Katianna. He had pulled on the nearest thing he could find, which was an athletic suit that needed washing badly. He hadn't shaved and only barely combed his hair, he was in such a hurry. "Ah 'ave not been able to sleep well lately. Many things on mah mind."
She was picking up emotions from him, but her own were tangling them up. "I gathered that much," she smiled, but her green eyes gazed at him seriously. "What's bothering you, Paul?" she asked, gently reaching over and taking his hand that rested on the table.
Paul, for the first time in a long time, felt genuinely afraid. The fear surprised him. He did not think it would be this way. He felt sweat bead underneath the grimy athletic gear he wore. "Kat, Ah don' know 'ow to say zhis. Ah...Ah think Ah'm een love weeth you!"
Surprise went into her eyes as her mouth dropped open slightly. Suddenly she was at a lost for words. She could feel her chest tighten and her pulse rise as she looked away for a moment. "I . . . I don't know what to say . . ." she replied. "Paul, I . . . You can't love me . . ." Tears misted her eyes as she put her other hand over his, wanting him to understand, but she wasn't sure he would. It certainly wasn't that she didn't care about him. She did . . . But there was more to things than that.
"But Ah do!" Paul insisted, almost plaintively. "You are ze first woman Ah've ever known weeth whom I feel so...comfortable. Ah do not 'ave to prove anything to you. Ah can be myself! An' I want to be there for you. Ah want to give you all zhat I have, all zhat Ah am!"
Images of Arturus, William and Jovan played through her head as a tear trickled down her cheek. "You don't understand, Paul . . . The men who love me . . . The men I let into my life like that . . . They die . . ." she said as she took subtle breaths to try to keep her emotions in check, but they were boiling under the surface, ready to explode.
"You think Ah am afraid of death?" Paul asked incredulously, leaning in as he spoke to her. "Ah 'ave faced death more times zhan I can count! An' zhat's no bragging! Ah will die sooner or later but Ah wan' to live first! An' Ah 'ave not felt more alive zhan when Ah am with you!"
She smiled bittersweetly and shook her head as she wiped at more tears that had fallen. As she looked into his face her heart broke. She wanted things to stay the way they had been. Fun. Light. Friends, but just a little more . . . and now he was asking something she couldn't give. She couldn't . . . for the sake of her sanity. She reached across the table and caressed his face. "You have no idea how much I care about you," she said, as another tear slipped from her eyes. "But I can't," she said as she shook her head. "I can't have another death on my conscience. It would destroy what little is left of me," she said. "I'm sorry . . ." Pain was written all over her face, in her voice, in the tears that fell.
"An' you 'ave no idea how badly Ah am hurting right now," Paul scowled. "Ah feel as though mah 'eart 'as been ripped out!"
She was trying hard not to sob as she looked away from him. She could feel his pain and knew exactly what she was doing to him. She could sense it as clear as day now, it was so strong. "I'm sorry . . ." she whispered out, not even able to look at him. "I didn't want to lose a friend over this. I really am sorry . . . I just . . . I can't. I can't . . ." There was nothing else to say so she prepared herself to leave mentally. To flee. But before she did, she whispered, "I never meant to hurt you, Paul. I never would have intentionally hurt you." Immediately she got up to her feet.
"Intentional or no, eet makes no difference. We are both 'urt now. Ah should never 'ave gotten involved weeth you."
With a final look at him, her eyes green pools, she nodded. "You're right," she replied. "You shouldn't have . . . No one should."
Before another word could be spoken she ran out the door, not looking back, wiping at the continuos flow of tears that fell and trying to get herself in check without success.
Paul immediately regretted his words. "Paul, you son of a bitch, what 'ave you done now?" he asked himself, provoking a glance from the Bolian waitress who was the only employee (or, for that matter, the only other person) in the restaurant at that moment. "What are you looking at? Get back to work!" he snapped as he headed out the door himself.
He looked all around the Commerce Section for Katianna, but found her nowhere. He contemplated asking the computer to find her but (wisely) realized that perhaps she didn't want to be found at that moment. Frustrated, Paul returned to his quarters. It was 0315. Chances are he would get no sleep tonight after all.
Katianna had gone back to Holo Pursuits. Like Harry's they stayed open all night to accommodate everyone. She went back and reserved another suite. Entering the program she went in, still fighting the tears, trying to block out the final words they had exchanged as she initiated her very physically taxing program.
She was attacked by several opponents, and took them down one by one and on occasion two at a time, taking out all her pain on these holograms. But after 30 minutes and as many opponents, she had reached the end of the program and the end of herself. She couldn't run from herself anymore and she leaned back against the tree behind her and slid to the ground in tears. Pain . . . That was her legacy, she thought. Pain . . . nothing more. No matter what she did, who she saw, what life she touched, she always brought pain. Tears and sobs issued from her and didn't stop.