Karissa sat in her chair, drinking
a glass of sweet white wine as she stared out her porthole into the dark expanse
of space. She had a piece by Mozart playing - Piano Concerto in D minor. She
always enjoyed it, but tonight, it did nothing to soothe her. She finished the
glass of wine and reached for the bottle on the table beside her, pouring herself
another glass. Setting the bottle back down, she took another long drink, only
it wasn't helping.
"Computer, end current music program. Search my personal database for Music,
Earth, Circa 1980s . . . Group Erasure . . . Look for compilation Wonderland."
< Compilation found >
"Computer, play compilation."
Instantly music began to play.
Who needs love like that . . .
"Computer, go to next selection."
Oh my love you've been so much on my mind
I've been waiting for this day to arrive
Its been so long I watch the hours go by
It really doesn't matter because you're here by my side . . .
She smiled sadly as she took another sip. She knew what was wrong, she realized. It was Ryan and how she felt about him. She couldn't close her eyes without seeing his face. She sighed and finished the wine in the glass. She debated on whether to pour one more glass, but thought better of it. Setting the long stemmed goblet on the table next to the wine bottle. She contemplated reading more of the book she had replicated. Reading an old-style paperback . . . turning the pages as the story unfolded always excited her. But there was something relaxing about it as well. However, when she had attempted to read earlier in the evening, she had managed to get through three chapters before she realized she hadn't retained any of it. She sighed and decided reading was definitely out.
She got up and walked into her bedroom and laid down on the bed. She stretched out, like a cat, finding just the right position. Sleep would do her some good real good, she thought . . . But as her eyes closed her mind wandered back to Ryan once more and played with the thoughts of him being there with her, his body next to hers, caressing her face . . . her hair . . . kissing her . . . There was no denying it. Her feelings for him ran deeper than she had ever imagined, but she would do nothing about it . . .
Its all right
Its all right to make the move
Its all right
Get there, stay there
Babe its all right . . .
Its all right
Its all right to feel the mood,
Its all right,
So good, so fine
Babe its all right . . .
Her mind returned to the night on the holodeck. She had enticed him. She had wanted them all . . . But Ryan was the one she had ultimately wanted. She baited him and seduced him to be with her . . . and she had to realize that she had been attracted to him during that first day together. She was aiming to be his friend, not his counselor, and yet even then, though she hadn't admitted it to herself, she would have liked more. What would she have done had he kissed her during that time? She put away the idle though. It didn't matter. It was the past . . . And their present was over . . . The chemistry was there . . . they both wanted each other . . . and yet . . . afterwards, they had agreed that for their careers it was better not to continue. In all honesty, she didn't care as much about her career. She would be able to go back to Earth and start a practice if she truly wanted. But . . . Ryan's career was very important to him . . . and she would never do anything to jeopardize that or him. She would never do anything that would hurt him . . .
Seeing him everyday had grown more difficult for her, though she had made sure that she was the only one aware of that . . . She even kept it from Ryan. There was something to be said for being a master pretender. She had even controlled her impulse to steal looks at him when no one was looking. She wasn't going to take chances of anyone actually seeing anything in her eyes for him other than respect that was due a Captain. But every day when she wasn't with patients, she was facing Ryan on the bridge and each day it grew more difficult for her to deal with. Her mind was clouded with thoughts of him . . . Of their time together . . . More times than not, she had been distracted from her duties around him and had to play catch up later. She was good at covering her tracks, but for how long? She seriously considered a transfer, but she knew it would raise too many eyebrows. But no matter what she had to do, no one was going to find out what had happened between them. She would do what she had to, to make sure Ryan's life was not complicated by her or his career put in the line . . .
Life's so appealing
leaves you rock n reeling
How did it happen this time?
Got love on my mind
Hold me and kiss
Tell me how much you miss me
How can they keep us apart
Got love in our hearts
They say we're just two more crazy lovers
I say all we need is one another . . .
It just wasn't meant to be, she thought, and it tore at her. How was she going to continue to face him everyday? And she couldn't even remember the last time she had been this emotional . . . She had to keep herself in check. She was just tired. If she could just sleep she would be fine, she thought. All she needed was sleep and her emotions would be back in check. She would be able to deal with her day and cope with having had Ryan in her arms and then losing him.
And now its over
I write it all down
No one to notice one less face in the crowd
Our eyes are open when it suits us to see
Dear God in heaven show no mercy to me . . .
Wave good-bye . . .
See my heart
So blue
Wave good-bye .
. .
Lost
For you
Suddenly the tears came. She couldn't stop them. All the feelings she had been
keeping pent up for the last few days suddenly bubbled to the surface and she
couldn't stop them. It was beyond her ability to control . . .
She didn't know how long she was crying for, but at some point she had finally drifted into sleep.
"Don't cry," he said, as he caressed her cheek, wiping away the tears staining them. "I'm here . . ."
"Ryan?" she asked with surprise.
"Yes . . . I'm here . . . I'm always here . . ." he had said.
Then he kissed her deeply as if trying to erase the pain within her.
She didn't know what had awaken her, but as her eyes opened and she saw the bed empty beside her, she fought off another wave to tears . . .All she wanted was him there, beside her . . . But like her holodeck program, it was just a fantasy. One that would not come true . . .
**All song excerpts from the Album Wonderland by Erasure**