She heard an unusual, but comforting
sound as her consciousness returned to her. She didn't want to wake up . . .
Her eyes were still heavy and her body didn't want to move.
ppppppuuuuuurrrrrrrrrr pppppppuuuuuuurrrrrrr
The noise was emanating from right in front of her face. Slowly, and with great effort, she opened her eyes. There she saw a black cat meeting her gaze with his striking yellow eyes. Immediately, he got to his feet and nuzzled her face with the top of his head. It was a true sign of affection among cats. She smiled and stroked his black fur.
"And you must be Torasu," she said with gentle smile. "How did you get in here?"
A meow escaped him as he continued to look at her. With great effort, she sat up, feeling like her whole world was going to spin, almost as if she had drunk too much, when she knew she hadn't touched a drop. Almost instantly, Torasu was in her lap.
The sound of his purr seemed to soothe her, and the feel of his soft fur against her fingers brought her a measure of comfort. He was a sweet cat . . . One who had obviously taken to her . . . She wasn't surprised. She was, however, concerned that Tyran might be worried about him.
"After Alpha Shift is over I'll take you back home," she said, more to herself than to him, as she gazed at the welcomed intruder.
"Computer, what time is it?" she asked.
<1740 hours> came the computer's reply.
*That can't be right . . .* she thought. She got up, with Torasu in her arms, and went to her console. Sure enough it was that late. She had been asleep for the better part of nine hours . . . For her, that was unheard of! She hadn't slept longer than four hours in one night since she had been a child.
Memories of the morning with Ryan came to haunt and hurt her. But she'd had to do it . . . With a sad sigh, she went to the replicator. She didn't need to dress. She was still in her uniform. It was a bit wrinkled, but at the moment, she didn't care.
"Raktajino, hot and sweet and . . . a cheese omelet," she said.
She put Torasu down and removed the ordered food from the replicator pad, setting it on the table. As she looked down at her guest, she smiled.
"One dish of flaked tuna."
As that dish appear, she grabbed it. She sat at the table to eat, setting the dish of tuna at the next place setting. Torasu immediately jumped onto the table and started biting at his treat. She could tell he was enjoying it. Her empathic abilities stretched to animals . . . and especially those of feline origin. She stroked his fur again and was rewarded with his tail stretched straight up in the air. But as she looked at her own meal, her stomach turned. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, she thought. Slowly, she pushed the plate away from her, and took her mug of Klingon coffee instead. She would turn her food back into the replicator. She took a sip, and tried to let the warmth of the drink soothe her.
Almost all her tears were gone, but a numbness had settled upon her. She felt almost as if she had suddenly been turned hollow . . . With a sigh, she watched her temporary companion eat. Though she didn't know why, she was glad for his company.
"Come in," Tyran said, as he sat at his console going over several PADDs. He was surprised to see Karissa enter. In her arms she carried Torasu.
"Hi," she said, "Thought I would bring your wayward friend home."
He put the PADD down and stood up looking at the cat.
"I hope he didn't cause you any trouble," he said, knowing that Torasu was a source of irritation to the Captain.
She laughed. "Not at all," she replied. "In fact, we just ate together. Didn't we?" she said to Torasu as she knelt to stroke his fur once again. "I just figured you might be worried about him and thought I would bring him back."
"Thank you," he replied.
She stood up and was about to turn and go, but he stopped her.
"Is everything all right?" he asked. He couldn't put his finger on it, but she didn't seem her usual self.
"I'm fine," she replied with a smile, but her eyes spoke differently.
"You don't seem like yourself," he replied. "Are you sure?"
She turned away from him and back to Torasu. She would have confided in him, knowing she could trust him, but she didn't want to burden him with her problems. He had enough to worry about between work and the upcoming wedding. But she would try to give him an explanation since he seemed concerned.
"Do you know what its like to have something so beautiful and priceless in front of you, but know in your heart you can't touch it for fear of destroying it?" she asked.
He was unsure he understood the analogy.
"Maybe I'll talk to you about it some other time, Tyran," she said. "I . . . can't really talk about it right now . . ."
"Can't or won't?" he asked.
She thought for a moment. "Both . . . Anyway, I should go. I know you are probably expecting Dinara and I don't want to take away from your time together . . . And you," she said to Torasu, "Be good . . ." She had a smile for the cat and for no one else.
"If you do ever need to talk . . ." Tyran said.
"Thanks," she replied. "I'll keep that in mind . . . I'll see you later."
She was still smiling, but he could see how fake it was. But all he could do was watch as she walked out the door. Torasu almost bolted after her, before Tyran grabbed him. He had a feeling his cat knew more than he did.
Though Ryan had told her to take the day off, and her regular shift was long over, she had gone to her office and gone through some of her notes for the day. She spent a couple of hours going through items she needed to have done and organized for the next day. But she also knew in the back of her head, that if she did all her work now, there would be very little for her to do tomorrow. And she only had two appointments scheduled, which meant she would be on the bridge almost all day. With a heart heavy sigh, she toss the PADD in her hands onto her desk.
Maybe she would find something she could do that would keep her busy for awhile . . . So busy she wouldn't have to go to the bridge except on the request of the Captain. But she wasn't sure just what. She just knew something would occur to her.
As she walked the corridor from the lift to her quarters, she felt eyes on her.
Just before she entered, she stole a look and saw that Ryan has just emerged
from his Quarters. He had stopped moving as soon as his eyes had seen her. For
a fleeting moment, their eyes locked. It hurt, she thought, and entered her
quarters.
She had gone back to the replicator to get some wine, but decided that wasn't what she wanted. Instead she ordered some sweet, hot, herbal tea. As it steamed in her hands, she sat down in her favorite chair, so she could stare out at the stars as they passed. She took a sip of the hot liquid, but nothing helped soothe her. Getting up, she headed for her bed again. She placed the tea on her bedside table. From a drawer in it, she pulled out an old, writing journal and an old fashioned pen. Slowly, she looked at all the entries. She'd had this particular book for the last five years, and had written many poems in it. In fact, she had one more page to fill before she would replicate a new book. Flipping through the pages, she read many of her entries. She had happy ones and some sad ones . . . But none covered the depth of emotions she had gone through in the last week and a half.
As she came to the last empty page, she stared at it. It was empty like her soul. Before Ryan, it hadn't mattered. She had liked her life . . . But she had been so alone. She just hadn't known it . . .
She picked up the pen, that she kept inside the book and started writing. Words formed effortlessly as she poured out her heart . . . Tears crept out the corners of her eyes to run down her face and fall to the bed and book beneath her. She was getting tired again and didn't understand it . . . As she finished writing, she closed her eyes. She had only intended to rest them, but the urge was too strong and she drifted to sleep again . . .
Our eyes meet . . .
Longing . . .
So near
So far . . .
My world
Now plunged into darkness without you
I want to reach out
To touch you
To hold you . . .
But I cannot . . .
Not without destroying you . . .
"Come on, just a little further," Ryan said, reaching his hand out
to her. "We're almost there!"
But she couldn't move. She gripped the cliff-face with her entire being. She was afraid. Maybe one of them could make it to the top, but not together . . . It wasn't possible. She would have to wait, letting him go up first.
"I won't go up there without you," he said, managing to keep his grip on the rock wall. "We go together or not at all . . ."
"The rock face is too sheer! We won't make it going up at the same time," she said. "I'll follow you up . . ."
The wind started beating against her. Usually she loved climbing, but the sky was gray and except for the wind, there was no other sound. And all she had been looking at was the rock face before it. It was a challenge to get up to the top. But now, though she was almost there, she couldn't go farther. Ryan was just above her, where the foot holds were more scarce. One wrong move and he would fall, or they would both fall! Why did she start climbing without any safety gear? Why didn't she insist that Ryan wear any? They could fall to their deaths! How could she have been so stupid, she berated herself.
"Ryan, just go up! Please, if you try to have us go up together we could both lose our grip and fall . . . We'll both die!"
"Or we could both make it together . . ." He said, desperately. "Please take my hand! Come with me, Kari . . ."
She was frozen. She didn't know what to do . . . She loved him and wanted to follow him up, but she wasn't going to risk his life . . . Suddenly, it started raining. It was cold. They had to get off the cliff and fast. She had picked a bad day for the climb!
"Kari, come on . . ." There was worry in his eyes as he continued to reach out.
Suddenly, her foot holds became slick and she was losing her grip. With a sickening feeling building in the pit of her stomach, she felt her fingers and toes slip from the wall . . . She was plummeting down to the ground.
"Nooooooo!!!!" she scream.
Suddenly, her eyes opened. She was on her bed, in her quarters, shaking . . . It had just been a dream, she realized . . . Just a dream . . .
She had slept late again. She had no idea why her body clock had changed. However,
she had never been more tired in her life. It seemed no matter how much sleep
she got, she was still exhausted. *Maybe its just the depression,* she thought.
She managed to eat a piece of toast with cream cheese on it and a few sips of
guava juice. Her appetite was still gone, though her body was starting to demand
she eat. As she glanced in the mirror one more time, she headed out of her quarters
and to her office. She was going to avoid the Bridge today if she could.
On the way to her office, her mind kept returning to the dream. It was still vivid in her mind. More vivid than most dreams she'd had. But she wasn't willing to analyze it. She was sure it was a direct reflection of the situation she was in and didn't want to deal with that right now . . .
Once in her office, she double checked her schedule. In two hours, she had an appointment with Ensign Sarah Martin. She was grieving the lost of her father, who had died not more than two weeks prior. She had been very close to her dad, so she was taking it very hard. Karissa knew she would be seeing the young girl regularly for a couple of months . . . And she'd have to monitor her depression and make sure it didn't interfere with her work performance, or other measures for treating her would be necessary. She just hoped it wouldn't come to that. And who would watch her with hers, she thought cynically? Would she still be able to counsel effectively in her present condition? Somehow she would have to . . . After her session with Ens. Martin, there was nothing slated, except a follow-up with Ensign Bar-tok. She had seen him for some anxiety.
She had some evaluations the next day, but today her schedule was light. She knew she would be expected on the Bridge if she didn't come up with something to do . . . and right now, she didn't want to face Ryan. Knowing how he felt about her made this so much harder. It had almost been easier before, when she didn't know for sure . . . And now she had hurt him . . . But she was sure, in the long run, it would be the best thing for him . . . and if it cost her her soul, she didn't care. Her thoughts now were of making this as easy for him as possible. Her heart wanted to find a way to make things work, but she didn't know how . . . Not without him losing the Captain's chair . . .
Scanning the database, she realized that several of the crew had not been in for a full evaluation in awhile. Though it wasn't necessarily required, Karissa decided to start going over all of the past case histories of the crew. With 157 individuals on the ship that would take time. Then she would make a list of those individuals she felt needed to come in for evaluations. There was a lot of work there . . . enough to keep her off the bridge for awhile, unless her presence was requested.
She worked on it all the way up to right before her appointment with Ens. Martin. After the session and a few notes in Martin's file, she continued on with her review . . . An hour before her shift was to end Dinara entered.
"I'm surprised. You're usually on the bridge now," she said. "I was just going to look at Torveno's case file. He's been complaining of nightmares and I wanted to check if this was a pattern for him . . ."
Dinara didn't need to explain, but she was learning to deal with Karissa as being the Ship's Counselor, and herself only an assistant. The more she talked to Karissa, the more she felt at ease with the situation. She realized that it hasn't been Karissa that had decided to take her position. It had been someone in Starfleet. After she realized that, she didn't see a point in staying angry. But she hated losing her position!
"Here you go," Karissa said, pulling up a PADD and transferring the file to it.
Dinara took it. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Going over case histories of all the crew . . . I want to see who needs to come in for a visit . . ."
Dinara gave a curious look. "You've going over all of them?" she asked.
"Yep," she replied, not looking up from the case history she was reading.
"That seems awfully tedious . . . Wouldn't that be something your assistant should handle?" she asked. "Freeing you up for more important duties, like . . . being on the bridge?" she emphasized.
Karissa looked at Dinara with a smile. "If Captain Evans needs me, he'll let me know . . . "
Dinara nodded and walked out of the
office. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she definitely felt something
was out if place. She didn't know Karissa very well, but there was something
different about her countenance. *This is something she should have assigned
to me . . . This doesn't make sense . . .* She thought, as she walked away to
her own office.