Burying The Past

The funerals were almost too much for her. She remembered how many memorials she had attended after the Baltimore and so many memories were triggered. By now, she thought of what she had done on the Baltimore . . . She'd never talked about the landing party that had come into sickbay . . . She'd never really felt it had been completely real. Then with the Jem'Hadar, she knew there was no running from it anymore . . .

She began walking away from the crowd as soon as the last words were spoken. She just couldn't stay any longer. Tears her trickling down from her green eyes and it made her feel weak and vulnerable in the crowd. She wiped at them, but walking away was the only thing she could do . . . She headed toward the forest, to the cover of the trees.

Logan raised his head from the silent prayer he'd been saying to himself. As a Security officer, he'd seen his fair share of death and attended many memorials. There were five graves, three for the Marines Floten, Janson and Waynewright and two for the colonists who had also been killed.

He looked around for Rahel and saw her heading away towards the trees. He didn't need to be empathic to know what she was doing, he knew her too well. The problem was did she want to be alone ?. Logan headed off after her and finally caught up with her at the treeline.

"Are you OK." He asked. "Would you prefer to be by yourself ?"

"I . . . I just had to get away from that . . . From them . . ." She said looking at the graves. She took a deep breath. "You can join me if you'd like."

Her liquid green eyes held all the pain she felt as she gazed at him. Part of her did not want to be alone she realised as she looked at Logan before her.

They headed into the forest area and found a small clearing, with a large tree stump in the centre, big enough for them to sit on. They sat down and just watched each other, neither wanting to be the first to speak. In the end, Logan spoke up.

"Don't feel bad." He remarked. "They died fighting for what they believed in, the Marines are trained to fight and accept death. As for the two colonists, they volunteered to help and died defending their home."

A sad breath escaped her. "I've just seen so much death." She said. "It made me start thinking about the Baltimore . . ." She was quiet for a moment trying to get her next words into some kind of cohesiveness. "Also killing that Jem'Hadar brought memories up from the Baltimore . . ." She continued. "That's not the first time I've killed like that." She turned her face away and wiped at the tears that began spilling from her eyes again.

Logan took hold of her head and turned it back towards him. He saw the tears and started to wipe them away with his own hand.

"What happened on the Baltimore is in the past." Logan said in a sympathetic tone. "And what you did, you did to survive, no one will judge you for that."

A pained expression crossed her face. She looked down and then back up at Logan before running a hand through her blond hair.

"The Proktolans had just taken out most of the science department and then they came into sickbay . . . I just . . . There were five of them, Logan. I took each one of them out as if they were toys . . ." She shook her head. "And now this thing with my past . . . I want to test my blood. I bet the colonists have enough equipment for me to get a good look at my DNA . . . What if that was what I was bred for ? What if I was designed to be someone's killing machine
?"

Between the deaths, her memories and her own fears, her mind was a whirl. There were still tears, as she looking into Logan's eyes.

"You are not a killer." Logan remarked firmly. "Would you be such a good doctor if you were ?. If you were someone's killing machine as you put it, then would you now be having all these feelings of remorse, of guilt. You've taken lives, but only to save lives. If you were 'designed' to be a cold-blooded killer, your own feelings and your own personality have come through. You have changed what you are, you have become a doctor, pledged to save lives not take them without malice…..And I think it would be a mistake for you to test your DNA, now or when we get back to the Taurus."

"But I have to know who I am," Rahel replied. "What I am . . . " Even saying those words pained her. She was so afraid of the answer.

"You are Rahel Tohrae Kahfre with a family that you grew up with. You have a mother, a father and an older brother who all love you like you are their blood. You have a crew that depends on you to keep them fit and health. You are a member of the Federation and a Starfleet officer." Logan replied. "And you have me and my heart."

As she felt his hand on her cheek once more, she closed her eyes. She could feel his emotions . . . His concern and his love for her. As she opened her eyes her face softened.

"I love you, Logan . . ." She said as she reached out to him and embraced him. "Thank you . . ." Tenderly she kissed him. As she sat back once again she grew a little more serious. "I can't promise that I won't ever test my DNA, but I'll trust your judgement and I won't do it for now . . ." Tears were still glittering in her eyes, making this shimmer like jewels. "I just wish this pain in my chest would stop." Before he could get worried she continued. "It's the stress . . . From the past and the present."

"We'll get through this together Rahel." Logan confirmed. "Somewhere is the answer to all of this. Somewhere out there is the little girl you were rescued with. Testing your DNA won't help you find her, but together we will search through all the clues and find her. The answers are out there, somewhere."

She nodded trying to believe that. She tried pushing the thought about her DNA to the back of her mind, but it was difficult. "When we do find her, I wonder what she'll have to say . . ." Rahel shivered, but it was from her emotions since she was not cold in the least. "I guess I need to accept my capabilities as part of myself. I mean, since they can be used to help the crew . . . I just need to have something positive to put this into. Not that I didn't do that before, but . . ." She sighed feeling she was making very little sense. "I guess I need to accept that I am a warrior doctor." She said, trying to smirk a bit, but there was still the sadness in it.

"Rahel Kahfre, warrior doctor." Logan joked. "I like that."

Finally Rahel's mood lifted as the smirk turned into a smile.

"What's frightening is how well it fits !" She replied, but she didn't lose the sparkle that was returning to her eyes. At that, she giggled.

Logan smiled at her change of mood and kissed her once more. The kiss lasted sometime and Rahel could sense that Logan had things on his mind. So far they'd kept their growing relationship between the two of them. It had been easy around a small group, but once they were back on the ship people were going to start to noticed, not least Ashraf.

"You're worried about our relationship ?" She stated.

"Somewhat yes." Logan admitted. There was nothing wrong in two Starfleet officers having a close relationship, they were both of equal rank and neither was putting pressure on the other. But they both had demanding jobs and a relationship could upset things. "Especially how Ash will react. He's very protective of you."

Ash was a concern, and she knew it. But she also knew that Ash would welcome anyone she loved. He was protective, so her initial discussion with him might be a little difficult, but in the end, he would understand and respect her. Not exactly like he could really interfere if he wanted, she mused to herself.

"Ash will be okay with us . . . It might take him a little bit, but he'll be fine," Rahel replied, caressing his cheek. "He always wants to protect me." She laughed softly, "But if it came down to it . . . who knows who'd have to protect who . . . Not that I ever want to be in the position to find out ! But when he senses how deep my feelings go . . ." Tenderly she kisses him again. "He won't stand in the way."

Logan knew that Rahel was right and he also knew that his own sister Lana would welcome seeing her brother in a relationship. For so many years he'd taken care of his sister, been a mother, a father and a brother in one package.

"You do know that you're about to get a new best friend in Lana don't you." Logan remarked. "She'll interrogate you for all the details and have you browsing the database for wedding dresses if you're not careful."

For a moment Rahel's troubles really faded away as she laughed. "I welcome the interrogations !" She replied playfully. "Besides, I'm sure she'll be a wonderful ally when I want to cook up surprises for you." At that she laughed again.

Now it was Logan's turn to worry, having both Lana and Rahel plotting against him. Logan smiled, but there was something Logan wasn't telling Rahel and she sensed it. It was something hidden deep down, something that had hurt Logan a great deal.

"What else is going on ?." Rahel asked, gently caressing his cheek and looking into his eyes. "I can feel it . . . It's more than worrying about Ash, or Lana . . . I've told you mine…" She smiled gently. "….tell me what it is . . . please ?"

Logan took a deep breath before replying, as if conjuring up all his inner strength. The pain he'd held deep inside had been slowly releasing itself from the 'cage' that he'd trapped them in ever since the picnic on the holodeck. As things had progressed further, the pain had grown as well, so now he had to face the truth and tell Rahel.

"There was once someone who I loved almost as much as Lana." Logan started to explain. "It was back on Earth, at the academy. We were in the same year, both wanting to work in Engineering and as we worked through the courses, we got really close. When my parents were killed and I left the academy to take care of Lana, she stayed. We continued the relationship and eventually she graduated. With the Dominion war still raging, Starfleet needed every available officer they could get. On our last night together before she left for her ship, we made a promise to each other. Looking back at it now, I know what we said to each other was stupid, but at the time we both believed what we were saying. We promised that whatever happened, we'd always love each other."

Rahel felt the pain wash over her. "She didn't come back, did she ?" She didn't need to be told for confirmation. Rahel could feel it. "Logan, I am so sorry . . ." Tenderly, she pulled him into her embrace. "Part of you will always love her and in that way, part of her will always be with you . . . I'm just so sorry you lost someone you loved so much . . ."

"I suppose I didn't so much lose her as allow her to go." Logan stated.

Rahel was a little confused, she'd thought the woman dead, but from the way Logan was speaking she now realised that she'd made a mistake.

"For a while she kept in touch, but then she stopped. She transferred off the vessel she had been serving on. I tried to find her, but after a couple of months I gave up." Logan continued. "It wasn't until two years later that she got in touch again. By then I'd returned to the academy and graduated, then joining Starfleet Intelligence. I'd sort of put all the feelings I had for her away."

"She hurt you very deeply . . . I mistook the depth for . . ." She shook her head. "I'm sorry . . ." Tears were again in her eyes, but she pushed them away. "Logan, if you're concerned about that happening with us, don't be." She replied. "I have never felt like this for anyone before. I've never loved anyone before . . . Not that I'm innocent or anything . . . But you're the first man I've ever had these feelings for . . ." Tenderly she caressed his face.

As Rahel pressed her hand against Logan's face, she asked the question she'd been avoiding.

"So where is she now ?" Rahel asked.

"She's currently somewhere in the Beta quadrant, on a science vessel." Logan replied. "Along with our daughter and her husband."

Logan paused as he took another deep breath. Rahel could sense the feelings of regret and grief coming from him.
"She's so beautiful Rahel, but I'm not part of her life and never will be. I've had a long time to get over this and I have, it's just..... just that what's happening with us has brought out all the memories, both good and bad."

"I understand and I am so sorry about your daughter." She replied, knowing how events could trigger memories and the thought of losing a child . . . She couldn't even imagine the pain. "I can promise you this, Logan. I will never just disappear from your life. If I do, you know it won't be by my choosing . . . I love you. I feel it like, like I've never felt anything before and I would never want that taken away . . . I'm going to sound crazy, but I feel almost like I came alive when we met. No one has ever done that to me before . . . No one . . . And if there is anything I can do to help you through your memories, just like you're doing for me, let me know. I will do anything to help you . . ."

The day was growing long and already the clearing was starting to darken. It wasn't dark enough that they would need to head back to the colony, but the air was beginning to cool. Logan gave a deep sigh and took Rahel's hands in his.

"I got over it a long time ago." He stated. "We agreed a long time ago that she was better off with her mother. We've both moved on and I now have you, after Lana you're the most important person in my life."

She caressed his face again, allowing her hand to run through his hair. A smile played across her lips. "I love you." She said softly as she kissed him. It began tender, but built in intensity. As the kiss ended, she looked at him with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "How much longer do you suppose we can get away with staying out here ?"

"It will be getting dark soon, I'd say we have about half an hour or so." Logan suggested.

"If we're not back by then, I'm sure we'd be missed . . . Too bad . . ." She said as she kissed him again. "But thirty minutes just isn't really enough time." She stated with a devilish smile.

"Maybe we can say we got lost in the forest." Logan suggested. "That could give us another twenty minutes."

She giggled and nibbled her lower lip for a moment. "That might be enough time." She replied. "Care to join me for a lover's tryst ?" She asked raining kisses against his jawline, then kissing him again.

Logan returned her kisses and as they kissed, their hands started to caress each other's bodies. Soon they were undressing each other, neither feeling the cold with their passion keeping them warm. As they sank to the grass below their feet, each touch, each kiss, each expression on their faces and in their eyes was a moment to remember. And each moment was precious; they relished it. They lost themselves in each other.

In the aftermath, they lay quietly in each other's arms. The chill arm finally breaking through, but neither willing to move. Rahel lifted her head from Logan's chest and kissed him again. For the first time she felt truly complete.

An hour had passed and they quickly dressed before heading back to the colony. As they reached the outskirts of the colony, night had fully taken over. They reached the building that was serving as their home for home and stepped inside. Everyone was eating and they all looked up as the two officers came in.

Trying not to appear out of the ordinary, Rahel walked over to where the food was and pick up something to eat, sensing Logan nearby. She could feel questions in the air from the eyes that looked at her and Logan, but she didn't care. She felt much too happy.

Logan followed her and sat next to Rahel at the large table. No one gave either of them a second look and after the meal they all went their separate ways. As Rahel lay down that night, she was calm. Nothing was haunting her. The only thing on her mind was Logan and the blissful hour they had spent together. She loved him . . . A smile crept across her face as sleep took her.