Mistakes

*Lymos*

*November 22, 2386*

It was early morning. Fog was clinging to the ground and the air was cool and crisp. Jaya was hidden just beyond a house that was nicely situated in the hills above the city. It was obviously a family home with a swing set, sandbox and slide in the backyard. There were also toys strewn about the place. There were even woods that surrounded the back end of the house and was the perfect place to do what needed to be done.

[How is everything looking?] asked a voice buzzing in her ear.

“The place seems quiet at the moment,” she replied to Alec. “They’re ready for me, right? And you have the team on stand-by to fix everything up?”

[Of course] he replied. [I think we’ve done this enough times to know what we’re doing.]

“Yeah . . .” she replied, but she had a feeling as if something were wrong.

[What is it?]

“I don’t know . . . Something just doesn’t feel right . . .”

[Do you want to abort?] Alec asked seriously. He knew how accurate Jaya’s hunches were.

“Negative,” she replied. “This has to be done and done now . . .”

[Understood] he replied.

Jaya took one more look at the profile on her PADD of the family she was going to *kill*; Dr. Trent Kelly with his wife Kariis, their 10 year old son Marvolo and their 5 year old daughter Tiamiara. Putting the PADD away into her bag, she grabbed her rifle to the ready and began making her way slowly through the trees with stealth. But suddenly, she was blown backward against a tree. The wind was knocked out of her and she almost lost consciousness. But the smell of something burning and the heat of fire nearby roused her. As she looked, she saw the house engulfed in flames . . . the entire house. And laying at her feet was a small, charred, what use to be blond haired doll . . . She picked it up slowly, her head beginning to ache, tears flickering in her eyes. The mission was aborted. There was no one left to save . . .

She got to her feet, fighting off a growing headache and the emotions that had welled up within her and began creeping back through the woods. She’d have to get back to where she was staying and maintain her cover until she could leave . . . and she needed Alec have the medic look her over. As she disappeared into the foliage she tried to keep at bay her own memories of the explosion that had taken her own family away from her.

*November 23, 2386*

*The word from Lymos tonight is that Dr. Trent Kelly and his family have been murdered by the Dark Shadow. The house was bombed yesterday morning destroying the structure and causing a small fire, though it was quickly extinguished. However, the loss of Dr. Kelly is another blow to the scientific community as we were told his recent research was modifying our current warp technology. His research has also vanished and we can only assume that the Dark Shadow is selling it on the black market to the highest bidder.*

*November 25, 2386*

Jaya walked into her house, putting her bag down against the door. She went to the couch and just slumped into it. But sitting in the quiet wasn’t making her feel any better. What she needed was some sound, or sleep, or a drink or all three, she thought miserably. She didn’t care that it was morning.

Dragging herself up, she went to her mini-bar and poured herself a drink – Treyvan Rum. Then she had the computer play some music. Settling herself back on the couch she just wanted to pretend the last several days hadn’t happened . . . and that she could put a stopper into her own memories.

A man entered the Starlight Inn, and Tyran looked at him. "I have what you wanted. I have some latinum left even..." He said grinning.

"And I bet your price is just extended with what you have left? Fine..." Tyran said calmly.

The man nodded and handed him two PADDs. "This is all."

Tyran checked it. "Good, I know where to find you next time, Grimwalld." He said softly. He then left the bar to Danayal and found the commbadge he used to contact Alec. "Alec, I need to speak with you, urgently, and no it can’t wait."

Alec sounded a little disgruntled, but he understood this was something important. "Meet me at the Horseshoe. They're opening about now for the early lunch crowd."

"Alright, Tyran out." He closed the channel. He knew that with his fast work, he’d saved something very important.

He entered the Horseshoe, and found Alec in a booth in a dark corner. "This might be of interest to you." He threw the two PADDs on the table.

Alec arched his brow as he picked up the PADDs and looked them over. As he watched Tyran sit, his eyes settled on the El Aurian. "How did you manage to get a hold of this? The Dark Shadow had it last . . ."

"And I have my contacts." He said calmly. "And I know some of them are... shady, but also in some debt by me."

There was a thankfulness in Alec's eyes. "Well, you saved a valuable piece of research . . . At least we can get it to someone else who can continue Dr. Kelly's work." He put the PADD away as a waitress came to the table.

"Can I get you boys anything?" she asked.

"I'll take scotch, on the rocks," Alec said.

"Just a fruit juice, Eileen. It’s early, you know." He grinned; Eileen was one of his more frequent visitors.

"You got it," she smiled and headed off.

"I was going to check on Jaya, but I suppose I can let you do that," Alec said. There was a note of concern in his voice.

"Alec, what happened exactly, and don’t hide anything that I need to know. You know secrets are safe with me, my contacts know that as well. I won't tell you who delivered me those PADDs... but I do need 10 million strips of latinum from you." He said dryly. "Unless you want the Starlight Inn to go bankrupt."

"It'll be taken care of," he replied as their drinks arrived.

As Eileen walked away, Alec sighed. "This last job didn't go as planned as you can imagine," Alec began.

"I heard a few things. That’s why I immediately sent word to a contact, that I wanted that research at any price. As you see he didn’t let me down."

"No, he certainly didn't," Alec agreed, nodding his head. Then paused, trying to figure out how to debrief his friend. "Jaya was outside the house when it exploded . . ."

Tyran's glass ticked on the table. He stared at Alec, waiting for what was next to come...

"She sustained a mild concussion. Nothing she hasn't had before," he said, waiting to see if Tyran drew any of his own conclusions on the matter.

"What is it that you’re trying to hide from me?" Tyran felt it. His eyes narrowed, and Alec could feel him use his listening powers....

"Dr. Kelly had family . . . Wife . . . Two kids . . ." he said.

Tyran swallowed. He remembered what Jaya told him about what happened to her, vividly. "So the whole family… just like with Christianna Avante..."

He nodded. "The whole family was in that house," he replied. "We were just about ready to do the set-up and extraction when . . . Well, obviously the Dark Shadow got there first." He took a large gulp of his drink.

"I should have asked for something stronger..." Tyran could see the concern in Alec’s eyes... "I’ll go to her, right now." He got on his feet to run out.

"Replicate a sober pill, just in case!" Alec called after Tyran, knowing Jaya Bourne all too well.

Jaya was on her third drink. She wasn't drunk, but she felt warm and a bit drowsy. Her emotions felt far away as if floating from her. The images of the explosion were still present in her mind, but not as vivid now, as her mind wandered. She was even able to just listen to the music without so much as a coherent thought or memory

Tyran ran straight to her house and tapped in the code. He didn’t even bother to use the chime. He entered the door and heard music. "Jaya?"

She lifted her head off the back of the couch and gave him a soft smile. "Hi," she replied, taking another sip of her rum.

"Ok, that’s enough," he said and calmly took her glass away. He emptied it into the closest plant.

She rubbed her face a bit and looked at him with her green eyes. "Why did you do that?" she asked. "I was finally starting to feel better . . ." But there was a certain tone in her voice that spoke of the memories not quite being gone.

"Better my ass. Drinking clouds your judgment.” He went to the replicator. “One coffee, hot, strong and sweet – Tyran’s blend." Immediately the drink appeared. He then handed the mug to Jaya. "Drink… this works excellent on hangovers, my own recipe."

Reluctantly, she took it. "Who says I don't want my head clouded . . ." But she took a sip of the coffee anyway.

"I do. Because I know what happened. I spoke with Alec… I had to deliver those research PADDs to him."

Her brows furrowed. "What do you mean you delivered those research PADDs to Alec? What research PADDs? Not Dr. Kelly's . . ."

"Yes, Dr. Kelly's. As soon as I heard what happened, I had some people on the move bargaining for them. They’re in Alec's possession now."

She sighed and leaned forward, looking at the floor. "At least not all was lost," she said, wishing the clouds were not clearing from her mind . . . The images of the house exploding were now coming back, along with her own memories . . . and the vision of the charred doll . . . Emily . . . She fought the images but now they came of their own accord once again.

"Did you slip a sober pill into this?" she asked.

"No." He said calmly. "As I said, my own recipe against being drunk… no need for any pills."

She took another sip reluctantly and sat back up. She now felt sick to her stomach and put the mug down on the coffee table. "I think I preferred being drunk . . ." she said softly.

"It doesn’t solve anything. I know what happened, Jaya. I know what you’ve been through again… your own memories have been awakened when you didn’t expect it. The only cure, is to cry, and voice your thoughts to me..." He took her in his arms.

Her eyes misted. "I can't cry . . ." she said, though tears were obviously misting her eyes, as if hearing the heart of the matter made it impossible to hide from.

"Yes… you can… you need to let go, or their memories will destroy you." He stroked her hair.

"If I give in, it *will* destroy me . . ." she said softly as she wiped at a tear that fell. But her chest ached with the pain she felt. She knew it wasn't a physical pain. It was emotional and it felt that if she dared to let it out, it would swallow her whole.

"It won't swallow you. I’ve thought that before myself, when my wife died. But I opened myself, gave myself time to mourn... you need to let go, Jaya, you won’t lose yourself, or your spirit to have your fight with the Dark Shadow. It’ll make you stronger if you dare to face what you’ve denied.”

"That the bastard killed my family? That he's still out there killing families? At least Dr. Kelly was lucky in a way. He didn't have to live through the aftermath . . ." She wiped at more tears as they spilled from her eyes. "He didn't have to watch his children die in his arms . . ." Her feelings were so close to the surface, even though she was still trying to contain them. But after all the years of suppression and with all the new memories she had formed, which were allowing her to feel again it was causing her exterior to begin to crack.

Tyran knew what influence he had on people. He just stayed and listened… the natural gift of his people was breaking those cracks down. He knew that, and he also knew it was needed in her case, though Alec thought her strength laid in denying this, but instinctively Tyran knew he was wrong. That it was destroying her if she wouldn’t face it. "I’ll listen… let it out, Jaya.." He said softly.

Before she could stop herself, words tumbled through her. Words she'd said before to herself, but rarely to others . . . "I should have died with them . . . With David and Emily. They died because of me! They shouldn't have died . . . it should have been me! I was the one he wanted! Why couldn't he have just shot me with a phase rifle?!" she said the rage and despair both present in her voice.

"Why did he have to kill them? They didn't deserve that . . . And Emmy . . . She didn't even have a chance at life! Just like Dr. Kelly's kids . . . They will never live to graduate, get married, have kids of their own . . . rewarding careers . . . Nothing . . . Because it was all taken away from them in one moment by a fiery explosion . . ." She grew quiet and cried softly, still trying to have a measure of control. "When the Kelly house exploded I was thrown back against a tree . . ." she said softly. "Everything got dark for a moment and it took me a minute to catch my breath . . . at my feet was . . . was the charred remains of a doll . . . A little blond-haired doll . . ." She swallowed hard. "And all I could do was think about Emmy . . . and how it had happened all over again . . ." She sobbed softly. "And it will keep happening . . . until that man is dead . . ."

"Jaya... I know this sounds stupid, but this is *his* fault, not yours. You’re alive for one reason, to love me... and to end the Dark Shadow's existence, and I know you can..."

She nodded as she wiped at the tears, trying to calm down. But the pain felt like it was going to take her over. "I hate him . . . I hate him for taking Emmy and David. I hate him for not killing me . . . I hate him for every other person's life he's destroyed . . . I hate him so much . . ." she practically hissed.

"I know, but hate is a wrong and negative feeling..." He said gently, his voice soothing, comforting...

She couldn't reply as a shiver ran through her, though the tears were now slowing . . . the anger and pain were receding to more manageable levels, but it was still very much there. "This wound doesn't feel like it's ever going to heal . . ." she said softly, though her tears were gone. But she was feeling cold. It was a reaction to her shell shocked emotions. She'd felt it before when David and Emily had died.

He stood up and wrapped a blanket around her. "The wound will never heal no, but the feelings will become less severe. You won't forget it, but you *will* learn to control those feelings, to use them for your benefit, instead of against you, like they did today." His words were wise.

She pulled the blanket tightly around her. Though she knew her concussion had been treated, she was getting the beginnings of a headache . . . but she suspected it had more to do with the emotional release . . . and there was more inside. But she wasn't ready to deal with it. Not yet. The pain, in time, would ebb . . . maybe bit by bit she would finally come to terms with all that had happened. But she certainly wouldn’t hold her breath. She reached out and caressed Tyran's face as her green eyes met his . . . "Thank you . . ." she said.

He smiled. "I love you, Jaya… and this... Emotional outbreak is partly because of me... I’m sorry."

She didn't say anything at first and nodded. "Because you're El Aurian . . ."

"Yes, I felt you were holding things back... I... cracked your walls by interacting with you. I know that Alec is scared about this very thing happening, but I think it was good, that it was needed." There was a genuine concern in his eyes as he looked at her. "I listen, and I have the gift to listen so good, people tell me things they thought never to tell anyone... all I needed was time."

She leaned against him. "I wonder how long it will take before it doesn't hurt so much . . ." she said. "Or when I'll stop blaming myself . . . because right now, I can't . . . I don't know how . . ."

"All things happen for a reason. Your reason to live was to help Danayal when he needed you to be there and me... and to make sure the life of Dark Shadow will end. I know you’re the one that’ll stop him someday."

She nodded. "That's my job . . ." she said softly. "To take him down . . . Make sure he can never hurt anyone again . . ." She sighed. "But there are days I wonder if I can . . . If I'll ever be able to . . ."

"You will, when your emotional level is in peace with the knowledge you have deep down."

She leaned in closer to him. "Just hold me for now . . . I'll worry about the rest later . . ."

He nodded, and did, but his listening skills were there, there was no way he could stop it...

"Some nights I still dream about Emmy . . ." she said softly, admitting what she knew he suspected. "I dream about not just the explosion, but her being alive . . . There are days that . . . for a brief moment, before I’m fully awake, I forget the truth and think that she's still alive . . . And I miss David. I do . . . He was the first man I had ever truly loved . . . But you know, at least he was an adult. He'd had a chance to do some living . . . I hurt for his loss too . . . but Emmy . . . She was a part of me. She was a big chuck of my soul . . . Having her was the greatest moment of my life and her death was the most horrifically painful . . ."

"What would you say if I told you I want a child with you? I know it is possible, if monitored right by a doctor..." He played with her hair.

"I'm scared . . ." she said softly, tears misting her eyes again. "What if he . . . what if I can't protect this child either?" she said. "The Dark Shadow is going to come after me for one reason or another . . . I don't know if I could survive losing another child . . . though I would love to have children . . . I have always wanted to be a mother . . . Emmy was the fulfillment of that dream and . . . and I failed in it."

"No, you didn’t fail by surviving; you couldn’t know what he’d done. But you did fail in one thing; you failed in learning to be happy again, like David would have wanted. I met him, just once in the bar." He suddenly said.

"You . . . you knew David?" she said stunned with surprise.

"Oh yes, when he was around 21, fresh from the academy. On his first mission he spent his shore leave here in this area, and he and his friends soon found my bar."

Jaya thought of David as young and handsome . . . How excited he was about life . . . and tears misted her eyes again. It hurt so much . . . It brought back to her memories of their first meeting, their first kiss . . . The day they married . . .

"I’ve seen him… an eager youngster full of dreams… his biggest secret was that he wanted to marry, and that he wanted a child." He said calmly.

More tears spilled from her eyes. "God I loved him . . ." she said softly. "From the moment we met . . . he knew how to sweep a girl off her feet. Even one as old as me . . ." She wiped at the tears. "Before him, I'd been with men. I'd liked them well enough, but I hadn't loved any of them . . . Then he came and turned my world upside down . . . Until you, I couldn't even imagine loving anyone else . . ."

"You know what the other secret was that he trusted me with? That he knew, despite being happy, he would not grow old. He said he’d often dreamed he would die young... and he believed it was true. He just hoped that if it was true, his remaining family would keep living and loving." Tyran said it softly. He could only say this, because he knew this message would give her some reason to think.

She nodded and remembered the nights when he'd woken up from nightmares where he'd seen himself die. She knew there was no doubt in what Tyran was saying . . . In some part of her mind, she remembered David telling her this . . . That he believed he would die young . . . Perhaps it was why she agonized more over Emmy's death. But it hurt no less . . . For a moment, it was as if she could feel David's hands on her shoulders.

*You were meant to live, Chris . . . As much as you might want to die, you were meant to live and go on . . .*

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "David . . ." she whispered. Then it was as if her whole body melted as she slumped against Tyran, completely emotionally drained. "I feel so weak . . ." she said softly.

"Good… that’s actually really good. Let the wheel of fortune go down deep... now it can only go upwards again." He said softly, holding her in his arms.

"Now all I need to do is figure out how to let them go . . ." she said softly, as she let his embrace warm her.

"You’ll find a way. I know you’ll find it, like he found his guts to tell me his deepest darkest secret. You’ll find a way to cope with it.” He said softly.

"I love you, you know . . ." she said. "I don't think I could have lived much longer without you in my life. This weight is sometimes more than I can bear."

"I’m here always, with a shoulder to cry on." He said smiling tenderly.

She smiled softly in return as she continued to snuggle against him. "Well, I think I'm done with the crying for now . . . The waterfall has ceased . . . at least for the moment . . ." She sat up and then kissed him tenderly.

He replied to her kiss with his own. "There *will* be more, and you know I’ll be there for you."

She sighed and caressed his face. "I know . . ." She hated the thought of breaking down in tears again, but finally accepted that it was part of the healing process that she needed. "You know . . . I haven't eaten since . . . I think . . . yesterday . . . I'm a little hungry. Interested in grabbing a bite to eat?" she asked, wiping her face trying to make herself look presentable. And though she was tired her hunger was winning out.

"Yes, but we’ll eat here..." He said gently. "I’ll make you some food. There’s no way I am letting you out on the street."

She raised an eyebrow and grinned slightly. "I look that bad, huh?"

"Yes." He said smiling. He got up and left for the kitchen.

She almost laughed as she watched him walk away. Almost instantly she was lying on the couch . . . She couldn't deny how tired she was . . . But it was the best she'd felt since Lymos . . . Perhaps even before that. Some of the lead in her soul had been melted away . . . and she was thankful for that.