The Weight of Guilt : Part One of Two

* Tara stood there, face to face with Ron Sandoval . . . The man who had opened her heart and had given her Zoe. As he reached out and caressed her face, his dark eyes gazed deeply at her.

“Why did you leave me, Tara?” he asked; the pain evident in his eyes. “Why couldn’t I have come with you?”

Her heart broke. “Because fate brought us together and fate tore us apart . . .” she said softly.

“And because of this, you and the baby are safe,” he said with resignation.

“Yes,” she replied. “Zoe and I are safe . . .”

“I love you, Tara,” he said. “I always will . . .”

Suddenly, he yelled in surprise as he seemed to be yanked away from her.

“Ron!” she cried out, her heart beginning to thump rapidly in her chest as she looked where he had disappeared and saw nothing but an odd-coloured mist. RON!!!” she cried out. “Ron!” Panic swept her and she ran into the mist continuing to call him name.*

Instantly, she was jarred awake with the feel of a warm hand on her shoulder. As she turned her head, she saw Jayson gazing at her with concern.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Fine,” she replied as she sat up trying to clear her mind. “It was just a nightmare…” She hugged her knees to her chest trying to get a handle on the feels that had been stirred up.

“That had Ron in it,” he replied, simply stating the obvious.

She looked at him questioningly.

“You said his name . . . quite loudly; I might add . . . You sounded panicked.”

She sighed and ran her fingers through her brown, wavy hair. “I was . . .” she admitted. “He disappeared from my mind . . . Pulled back into the fog as if someone or something were yanking him away . . .”

“Was this one of those dreams that seems to be a connection with those back in your dimension?” he asked.

She shrugged. “I don’t know this time . . . It felt like it, but . . .” She shook her head. “I could be wrong. Yet for a split second I thought maybe Zo’or had . . .” Her voice trailed off.

“Gotten to him?” Jayson asked.

Tara nodded. “I still care about him, Jayson. I always will . . .”

He sighed and caressed her face. “I do understand . . . I mean, how can I be jealous of me, you know? After all, I’m him in this dimension and I was just lucky enough to get the girl,” he smiled.

“You may look like him, but you’re not him,” she smiled. “You two are like night and day… You’re what he might have been.. if he’d been given a chance.”

He pulled her into his arms. “It’ll be all right,” he tried to sooth.

“I’m not so sure. If Zo’or has managed to find out that we have this connection, there’s no telling what he’d do to him,” she said softly. “Zo’or would want to know what’s happened to me.”

“But he can’t reach you here,” Jayson replied.

“No, but he can torture Ron until he’s satisfied that I can’t be reached . . . that he can’t get to me or Zoe . . .” Tears misted her eyes as she hid her face in her hands. “If anything happens to him, how would I live with myself?”

Jayson tilted her chin up to him and tenderly wiped away her tears. “He loves you, Tara . . . He wants you to be safe. He wants Zoe to be safe.”

“But he’s already gone through so much!” she said tearfully, as her mind took her back . . . back to when they had been together. When their true selves had to be hidden . . . Where Ron finally had to deal with the things he had done because of the motivational imperative the Taelons had implanted him with. But they had been there for each other . . . He’d had her. And now, he had no one . . .

She remembered back to when she had been pregnant with Zoe . . . it was before she’d been ready to know who the father of her child was… Suddenly, a strong memory intrusion came on and the world around her melted away, replace by a memory . . . a memory that felt as real as when it happened…..

*The annoying insistence of the phone ringing by Tara's bed awakened her. It had been so long since her phone had actually rung that she had almost considered it a piece of furniture rather than anything that served as communication between people. She was so use to her global…

Still trying to clear the fog from her head, which was become more difficult as the days passed, she reached for the phone and answered it.

"Good morning, Tara!" came a happy, feminine voice.

"Andrea," Tara replied, thrilled at the unexpected surprise. "How are you and Samuel?" she asked.

Since she had originally met the Whitney's through Grace, they had accepted her as one of the family and was treated as such.

"Well, we're doing fine," Andrea replied. "But you sound tired . . . Did I wake you?"

"Don't worry about it," she replied, sitting up in bed. But suddenly a wave of nausea hit. Her CVI stopped many things, like the affects of alcohol, but the one thing it didn't stop was morning sickness. In a fluid motion, she placed the phone down, grabbed the basket by her bedside just for the occasion and retched. Trying to regain her composure she picked up the receiver. "Sorry about that . . ."

"Are you sick?" Andrea asked with concern.

"No more than I should be, I suppose," Tara replied.

"I don't understand . . ."

The CVI brought forth the memories of Ron and Ryan, and her stomach flip-flopped again. She almost had to reach for the basket, but was able to quell the response. "Well . . . as it turns out . . . I'm pregnant . . ." Tara explained.

"Oh my goodness . . ." Andrea replied with a bit of shock. "Are you happy?" she asked, somehow knowing there was more.

Tara could feel tears misting her eyes. "I don't know . . ." she answered.

Andrea could sense that Tara needed some comforting, but knew that it couldn't be done over the phone.

"You know, Samuel and I were thinking about having you and Grace come back up for a visit . . . and if you can manage the time off then maybe this would be the perfect time."

"Well, I don't think it will be a problem for me," she replied. "Since my pregnancy, I have been placed on Light Duties, most likely because Zo'or spends all of his time on the mother ship now, and the Doctors have requested that I stay firmly planted on Earth . . . I imagine Zo'or is trying to figure out what to do with me now . . ."

"Well, I'll call Grace and see if she can arrange the time. Maybe we could even get you two up here by the weekend," Andrea said, her excitement coming through in her voice.

"That would be nice," Tara replied. "I'm sure Da'an will give her the time . . ."

As the conversation came to a close, another wave of nausea hit Tara.

~Jen, am I suppose to be this sick?~ she asked.

~Why don't you come in and see me today and I'll see what I can do. It's normal to be a little sick . . . Have you been able to keep food and water down?~ she asked.

~A little . . .~ Tara replied, as she laid back down on the bed.

~Well, I'll want to see if you're dehydrated and I'll run a few more tests just to make sure all is well . . .~

~All right, I'll be there shortly.~

Taking a deep breath, Tara once again tried sitting up, but more slowly. This time she managed without the wave of nausea. But as soon as she was on her feet, it struck again. She could only hope that Jennifer could do something to stop it. With that hope, she went to the bathroom to shower.

"Well, you are definitely dehydrated," Dr. Jennifer Christian said, as she stood beside the examination table where Tara was laying. "We'll have to give you an IV and run some Dextrose into your system before you leave."

Tara grimaced. "If it must be done . . ." she replied.

"I'm also going to give you something for the morning sickness. It should stop the nausea and vomiting."

"They have something for it?" Tara asked in amazement.

Jen smiled. "Yeah, it's Teminigan. It's similar to Tygan, Phenergan and Compazine, but it doesn't have any side effects for you or the baby."

Tara nodded her understanding. "At least I'll be able to keep nourishment down now . . ."

"How's your work load?" Jen asked.

Tara shrugged. "Light, I suppose, but I'm going to request some time off. I want to get away and spend some time with the Whitney's . . . They've invited Grace and I up for a visit . . ."

"That sounds like a great idea. In fact, if you'd like, I'll make it Doctor's orders. That way Zo'or won't say anything."

"Sounds like a wonderful idea, though I doubt Zo'or will mind . . . After all, he placed me in this position . . ." Tara tilted her head down to gaze at the floor. Tears were springing to her eyes. "I don't understand why he did this to me . . . How did I become one of his experiments? For what reason . . . ?"

Jen just placed a hand gently on her friend's shoulder. She had no answers for her.

Before Tara left the Medical facility, Jennifer had given her a dose of that medication along with a bottle full of little pink pills. In half and hour, she felt much better and even decided to stop off and grab a taco from a nearby Mexican food stand. She ate it with relish and felt better with each bite. After that, she returned home.

~So . . . were you able to arrange for the time off~ Tara telepathically asked Grace.

~ As a matter of fact, yes . . .~ Grace replied.

Though Grace, herself wasn't telepathic, Tara was able to speak with her in this fashion by just thinking about it.

~When should we head up there?~ Tara asked.

~How soon can we get packed and get a shuttle?~

Tara smiled. ~Call Andrea and Samuel and let them know we'll be up there by nightfall, if it's all right with them . . .~

~Will do.~ Grace replied.

Suddenly Jewel rubbed up against Tara's leg. Instantly, she reached down and picked up her little bundle of fur. She was immediately greeted by a purr. Tenderly she held the cat to her chest as she stroked the soft fur. She sighed.

"Well, my girl . . . I'll ask someone to check on you and make sure you get your food while I'm gone . . . I hope you understand that I must get away for a little while . . ."

As if in response, Jewel nuzzled her. After a few more minutes, she placed the cat down. Jewel scampered away to play with her toy mouse in the kitchen. Tara then grabbed her global from one of her pockets and made a call to Ryan. He smiled tenderly as he saw her face.

[How are you?] he asked.

"I'm feeling better. Dr. Christian gave me something for the morning sickness . . ." she explained.

[That's good,] he replied, [So what can I do for you?]

”How about a shuttle ride up to Toronto for Grace and I . . ."

[A trip to the in-laws, huh?]

"Yes," she replied with a smile.

[All right, just let me know when you want to leave.]

"As soon as possible," she replied.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"I've got to go. Someone's here," she said.

Closing the global, she went to the door and peered out. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw who it was. Swiftly, she opened the door to see Ron Sandoval there, gazing at her. His cold facade was in place at the moment. She could feel it.

"Zo'or requested that I come and check on your health and that of your baby's," he explained.

Immediately, she invited him in. As soon as the door was shut, the coldness melted away, and he took her hands in his.

"How are you feeling? I heard about your trip to see Dr. Christian this morning. She mentioned giving you an IV and some medication . . ."

Together they walked to the couch and sat down next to each other, still holding hands.

"She also informed Zo'or that you needed some time to recuperate."

A soft smile lit her face as she sighed. "Yes . . . but I'm all right . . . She gave me something for the nausea and it's making me feel better . . . But I really just need some time away . . ."

He looked down to the carpet for a moment before meeting her gaze once again. "Would you tell me where you're going?" he asked.

"Agent Whitney and I are going to Canada to spend time with her in-laws. We'll be there for a week or so . . ." Tara explained.

He nodded in understanding. They spent more time talking before he finally stood to leave.

"I hope you find what you are looking for," he said as she walked him to the door.

"So do I," she replied.

Tenderly, he caressed her face. She felt her eyes close and wished that things were different for them as she savored his gentle touch.

"I'll miss you," he said finally, as he opened the door.

As she shut it behind him, the tears came again. *I'll miss you, too,* she thought.

Tara and Grace met Ryan at the shuttle pad within the hour. They were both happy to be leaving their respective jobs for a while. Both women had their minds full, and seeing Ryan didn't make things any easier for Tara, but it was the most convenient way to get to Toronto. Ryan suspected something was wrong as Tara's eyes were hidden by dark glasses, though the sun was setting in the Western Horizon. After he helped Grace aboard, he stopped in front of Tara and gently took hold of her shoulders to look her in the face after moving the sunglasses to the top of her head.

"What's going on, Tara . . . ?"

But he knew the answer before she spoke.

"I can't come to terms with what's happened . . . You may have forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven me . . . and there is far more to deal with than just the encounters . . . It's . . . more complicated than that . . ." She was, of course, referring to the encounters between herself and Sandoval.

"Because of the baby?" he asked.

"Partly," she conceded, "I mean, if this baby turns out to be Sandoval's how will that make you feel?" she asked.

He turned away, not willing to think about the possibility for the time being.

"I know . . ." she replied, "But to make matters worse, there are feelings present within me . . . I love you, Ryan . . ." she said, gently touching his face, "But I cannot say that you are the only one I care for . . ."

He took a deep breath and released it. In the last few days they had talked a great deal about their feelings, and he knew this . . . but it still hurt . . . Part of him wanted to walk away from her, so that the pain in his heart would go away. But he couldn't bring himself to do it . . .

As he fought back tears of his own, he released her. He couldn't even look at her, but his heart spoke it all to her heart anyway. "I love you, Tara . . . and I think I always will . . ." he said.

Quickly she climbed on board with his help and took her seat next to Grace. Instantly, Ryan was in the pilot seat starting pre-flight. Tara was glad that Toronto wasn't far away. She had to get away from Ryan and Ron and Zo'or. She needed time to think and to heal. She needed to come to terms with what had happened and find some solace in her feelings. Was it possible to love two men at the same time? She certainly didn't choose this fate, but now that it was hers, she had to know . . .

This trip the girls’ shuttle would be landing on the Whitney’s front lawn. Grace closed her eyes against the silence of the shuttle. Everyone was lost in their own thoughts. She was looking forward to being with her in-laws again. She needed their love right now. Although it had been a few months since Arthur passed away, she still felt the sting of his death.

Their child was healthy.

Dr. Belman had run several tests on the baby, and their child was developing normally for its stage in life. Dr. Belman had even said that she could tell Grace the sex of the baby if she wanted to know. For the time being she told Belman that she'd rather not know. Grace wanted a boy, but she'd love her baby all the same if it turned out to be a girl.

Arthur had often said that he wanted a daughter as their first born child. . . .

”Coming out of inter-dimensional in five seconds,” Ryan announced.

Grace opened her eyes and waited. Soon the shuttle was settled onto the lawn, and she saw the faces of Samuel and Andrea. As soon as the virtual glass shielding was deactivated they had her and Tara in their arms. . . .

After Ryan left and the girls were settled into their rooms, both Tara and Grace joined Samuel and Andrea in the front room. Andrea had made some nice warm herbal tea that had a scent of berries. Tara had hers with honey and a touch of cream and Grace had a cup with only honey.

It felt so good to be there among family, Tara thought . . .

"We're so glad the both of you could come up," Samuel said first. "We've missed you . . . Sorry we didn't get to see you on our last trip . . ."

Tara smiled sadly. Their last trip was to see their son in secret before he died. "I know, but you had good reason not to," she replied.

She could feel Grace's sadness start bubbling to the surface. The memories were still too painful. She could also feel how grateful Samuel and Andrea were to Grace and Tara for having rescued Arthur and given them that last chance to see their son . . .

They talked a little bit, but didn't want to ask too much. Their daughters were tired. So after their tea they were sent to bed with a warm hug and a wish for a good night's sleep.

Tara returned to the room she had used before. She had set up her many photographs, but they no longer brought her intense pain . . . except for the one of Ryan and the mental photo she had of Ron, that kept playing over and over in her mind. She slipped into her nightgown and laid down on the bed pulling the covers over her, but sleep seemed elusive. After an hour, she got up, slipped on a robe, wandered down the stairs and out the front door. The stars were shining brightly and the air was warm against her skin. She sat down on a chair and relaxed allowing her mind to focus on the stars. But as always, when she allowed her mind free reign, the visions of her nights with Sandoval began to play vividly. His tenderness . . . his gentle touch . . . She allowed herself to be lulled by the images. As she pulled herself free, she could feel the craziness starting again. Her baby was either Ron Sandoval's or Ryan MacLeod's . . . but if she found out, she would hurt one of them. She would hurt herself. She couldn't even believe she was in this situation!

Suddenly, she caught sight of someone standing nearby. It was Andrea.

"Couldn't sleep?"

"I haven't been able to sleep for weeks," Tara replied.

"Does this have anything to do with your pregnancy?" she asked.

A bittersweet smile crossed her face. "To say the least . . ." she replied.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"I don't know . . . where do I begin? Do I begin with who the fathers might be or do I start with Zo'or . . ."

Andrea looked at her with a puzzled stare. "I don't understand . . ."

"Well . . . I don't either . . . but one of the reasons I'm pregnant is because I became an experiment of Zo'or's… unwittingly . . ."

"And the father of this baby might be more than one man?" Andrea asked. She had known that Tara and Ryan were in a romance and had assumed the baby was his.

"Yes . . . Zo'or set Agent Ronald Sandoval and myself up with some kind of pheromones that would react to our DNA . . .” Tara explained softly.

"So he is the other potential father . . ."

Tara nodded. "And I can't bare the fact that I have betrayed Ryan, but what's worse is that I have developed feelings for Agent Sandoval . . . He . . . isn't who he appears to be . . . I know that . . ."

"How can you know?" she asked.

Tara looked at her. "I never told you what happened on my mission to Atlantis . . ."

"No you didn't," Andrea replied with a hint of worry, wondering if Tara had been hurt in some way.

~I was hit by a beam that contained great knowledge and power. It also gave me certain abilities, like that of telepathy and strong empathic abilities that grow stronger every day . . .~

"Oh my Lord!" Andrea replied, realizing that the voice she had heard had come through her mind. "You . . . you can . . . do this . . ."

"It's nothing to be afraid of . . . " Tara replied. "But that's how I know that Ron Sandoval isn't who everyone thinks he is . . . It's because I can sense his feelings . . .”

"Does he know about the baby?"

Tara nodded.

"Does he want this child to be his?"

Tara stopped and didn't know how to answer. Just like herself, he had mixed feelings, but . . . "Yes . . . he does . . ."

"And what about Ryan?"

Suddenly tears sprang to her eyes. "He wants the child to be his . . . but if it's not . . . I can't face this . . . How do I face them day after day and then tell one of them that they either are or are not the father of my child . . ."

Tenderly Andrea embraced Tara, allowing the woman to cry on her shoulder.

The next morning Andrea was knocking on Tara's door.

"Sweetie . . . It's time for breakfast . . ."

As Tara sat up, a wave of nausea coursed through her. Her hand flew to her mouth. As the feeling subsided, she reached for the glass of water on the side table and her bottle of medication. She quickly took one of the pills and smiled at Andrea.

"Well, give me a few minutes to let the medication take affect and then I'll be down . . ."

"All right," she replied, "Oh, and Paul's here. He can't wait to see you and Grace . . . "

Tara smiled again as Andrea shut the door. It was wonderful to have a family, she thought . . .

Fifteen minutes later, Tara was dressed and feeling better. As she walked down the stairs, she smelled the food and her stomach actually began to growl. This had to be a good sign! Plus, the little miracle pill had taken away her nausea. As she reached the table, she saw Paul. He immediately came up to her and embraced her.

"And how are you doing?" he asked.

"As well as can be expected . . ." Tara replied.

He pulled away from her for a moment with a puzzled expression on his face.

She looked at Grace. Her friend shrugged. "No one told him anything. They left it to us . . ."

"Ohhhhh . . . ." Tara replied. "I see . . . So you have no idea . . ."

"Idea about what?" Paul asked.

"I told him my news," Grace added with a smile.

"Then I guess it's my turn . . ."

"What is this news?" he asked, looking at Tara.

"I'm pregnant . . ." she replied.

Paul opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. It took him a minute, but he regained his senses. "You too??"

Tara forced a smile. "Yes, me too . . ." she replied, fighting off the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

He could see the turmoil on her face and pulled her into another hug. "If there's anything you need, you just let me know, okay . . ."

She nodded. "I will . . ." she replied. "I promise . . ."

After dinner, Paul left. And as the sky grew dark, both Tara and Grace retired to the front porch to relax with cold drinks. Tara had iced tea, while Grace had ice water. The air was still very warm and the drinks felt good against the heat. Tara's thoughts were still troubled by her dilemma and each day made it worse rather than better. As she turned her attention to Grace, her friend seems peaceful and content . . . Something Tara desperately wished to have.

"You must be excited about your baby," Tara said with a gentle smile.

Grace smiled back. "Yeah, I am. She's a small part left behind of the man I loved," she replied, looking up toward the stars.

"It must be nice to feel so at peace with everything . . ." Tara continued, looking into her iced tea. Memories intruded upon her thoughts. Images of Ron and Ryan played across her mind causing her to sigh with sadness.

"Well, there are some things I am still having to sort out . . . I miss Arthur terribly and I wish that I could find some peace where things concern him."

Tara nodded with understanding. "I simply wish I could find peace in my life . . . in any part of it . . .” She took a sip of tea and turned her eyes to the wood deck beneath her feet. Her heart aching . . .

"What's in your thoughts tonight?" Grace asked, looking at her friend suddenly.

"How simple life use to be . . ." she replied, "Before Zo'or stepped in and complicated it beyond belief . . . Half the time I feel as if I'm losing my mind . . . I mean . . . I am now caught between two men . . . A situation I would have NEVER willingly placed myself in!" She shook her head, fighting the emotions stirring within and gazed up to the sky . . .

Grace looked away. At the mention of Zo'or's name, she knew that the name of Ronald Sandoval wasn't too far behind. Grace had really been avoiding dealing with her feeling regarding the man. But she harboured a hate for him that she could not easily forget. "I wish I knew what to say to you. Zo'or had no right to put you through that just to prove a point . . . ! Overbearing light bulb!"

Tara could feel her friend's rage and gently placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled. "He certainly is!" she chuckled a bit. "But what's done is done . . ."

"Exactly . . ." Grace's voice went cold.

"What I am having the most trouble with is . . . and I know that part of you does not want to hear this, but I have to say it . . . I have feelings for not just Ryan, but for Ronald Sandoval as well . . . and I am having a difficult time accepting what has happened . . . Every time I think of either one of them my heart aches . . . as if part of me is going to be ripped away . . ." Tears misted her green eyes turning them into emerald pools.

Grace didn't want to hear the name of Sandoval. She still blamed him for everything. And try as she might, she couldn't feel anything for her friend, because her hatred for Sandoval was getting in the way . . . "I wish that I could show you more sympathy where Sandoval is concerned . . . Lord, how did Will ever learn to work with him after he found out he was responsible for Kate's death?!!"

"I understand . . . but there is something you don't know . . . he's not who he once was . . . and he's not what you perceive him to be . . .”

Grace stared at Tara. " Tara, I am sorry, but I don't think that I will ever see him in that way. I can only see him as the man responsible for helping the Taelons hurt my husband by imprisoning him."

"Just trust me for a moment," she said, taking Grace's hand.

Instantly, Grace's mind filled with the emotions that had run through Tara the night of her brush against Sandoval; the night that had changed her life. Where she had learned about Sandoval's emotions and even his regrets . . . The feelings coursing through with the images were overwhelming, and Tara's heart also began beating faster, as the energy she put forth coursed through her.

Grace closed her eyes as she felt such raw emotions. Guilt, Grief, Anguish, Regret . . . And the source of these emotions had been Ronald Sandoval! Grace did not want to acknowledge that he was capable of feelings . . . Remorse . . . He had felt REMORSE for every evil thing and all the innocent blood he had shed at the orders of the Taelons . . . "NO!" Grace cried, snatching her hand away.

"Believe me, I didn't know what was behind the mask until that night I brushed against him, simply by walking by . . . I had never thought that he had regret. I believed him to be the mindless agent of Zo'or . . . but instead . . . I found a kindred spirit . . ." Tara explained, "I love Ryan, I do. With all my heart . . . But Ron and I share the mask of hiding who we really are . . . I may never have had a functioning MI, so I don't have the pain he does for what he's done . . . but I understand him and that's a stronger bond than I've ever shared with man . . . and that's what hurts . . . In the end, one of the men that I love is going to be hurt . . . and it's tearing me up . . ."

Grace honestly didn't know what to say. The name of Ronald Sandoval was like salt in an open wound in her heart. All she could do was think of Arthur and how his life had come to a premature end, thanks to the Taelons. " Tara, I just can't handle talking about him right now. The wound he helped to cause is deep."

"I don't expect you to like him . . . and I am sorry if my bringing him up hurts you . . . but he very well could be the father of my child. Just do me a favor . . . When the memories of what happened to your husband come up, think about who you should truly be angry with . . . The mindless puppet who carried out orders given him, or the Taelon who gave the orders to begin with . . .?" With that, Tara stood up and took another drink of her tea. "All I ask is that you think about it . . . Goodnight," she said, squeezing Grace's shoulder with the tenderness of a sister to a sister. Tara then headed into the house to leave Grace alone with her thoughts.

Grace watched Tara leave. Tara's words echoed in her mind as she turned back to look at the stars. Without warning, tears started falling from Grace's eyes like rain drops. Did she have a right to judge Sandoval for what he'd done? She hated him and there was just no way to deny it . . . And then there was the aspect of the Taelon involvement. They had ordered Sandoval to imprison her husband . . . The Synod had ordered it. Da'an . . . Suddenly Da'an came to her thoughts . . . He was a member of the Synod and he once thought very little of humans . . . "How can I hate him as well as them?" she murmured. Grace was left very confused that night as she pondered about who was to be blamed for her husband's death . . .

Tara stood at the window in her room wearing her nightgown. As tired as she was, sleep had once again evaded her. Though she knew that having Grace see Sandoval for what he had been and what he was now would eventually be beneficial to them both, she regretted the pain she had caused her friend. It seemed that no matter what happened in life, somehow she brought pain with her wherever she went . . . Wearily, she went to the bed and laid down, covering herself with a light blanket. After some meditation, she drifted to sleep . . .

She was being chased! Tara stumbled over tree roots and rocks, but she had to hurry and get away from the men chasing her down. She stopped for a moment to catch her breath, when she suddenly saw the ground beneath her being covered with blood. It was her blood!

"No! Not my baby! Please not my baby!" she cried as she fell to the ground and tried to cradle her belly. This can't be happening, she thought with grief. Suddenly, a warmth touched her and she looked up.

"Do not be afraid," Ta'al spoke as he knelt beside her and gently touched her face.

She sighed and nuzzled against him. It was a gesture they had repeated many times in life during their time together.

"But I’m afraid, " she replied. "I am afraid of losing everything . . . my friends, those that I love and now this child, who each and every day becomes more a part of me . . ."

"Look," he said, as he motioned to the ground.

The blood had vanished. In its place were beautiful, tiny pink flowers.

"What you fear is nothing . . . for the life within you blooms . . . You won't lose love . .  . You will gain it . . . Take heart in that, Tara . . ." he said.

For the first time in several weeks, she felt peaceful. As her eyes closed, she could feel his warmth, caring and love for her, engulf her spirit. Soon her dreams were calm and peaceful.

As noontime approached, Tara decided a walk in the woods might do her some good. It would give herself time to clear her head. She had hoped that this trip would have helped her, but very little had changed, except that she had love and support up here and was surrounded by it. Taking a bottle of water and a snack of some grapes and cheese, she headed out to her favourite place. The waterfall . . . It took her about 30 minutes, but she again found it. Taking a seat on a flat rock to enjoy the view of the water gently cascading down the rocks she gently felt the spray of the water. She pulled out her knapsack and the snack of cheese and grapes. As she nibbled, she sighed. Stripping down to her under things, she waded into the water like she had done on her last trip, which caused many memories of Ryan to surface, since this is where he had professed his love to her.

Pain coursed through her heart. Taking a deep breath and diving under the cool water, trying to blot out all her feelings, she was still bombarded by their first kiss. Then the memory of his face when she told him of her indiscretion with Sandoval jumped into her mind. She pushed to the surface and took a breath of air, tears stinging her eyes. How could she have hurt him . . . How? She asked herself.