Just a Friendly Visit

Since that night on the Hades, Aidan had been uneasy.  While she wasn't able to avoid a session or two with the Head of Psych on her mother's ship he hadn't declared her unfit for duty mentally.  Yes there were stipulations, dealing with the nightmare and meeting with Counsellor Bentara for as many sessions as she felt necessary.

Once again Aidan felt ready to climb a few walls even though she knew her body might still protest that a bit.  Her recurring bad dream only made things worse. Coming off anther rough night she was startled when the door to her room at the PMC opened.

Lt. Cmdr. Karissa Bentara stood there gazing at the young woman with a smile. “Surprise,” she greeted. “I know this is a bit of a surprise, but I thought I’d take the time to come see you . . . And before you ask, no this isn’t an official visit. I just thought I would see how your leg is feeling and if you felt up to a holo-program. I’ve reserved one of the holodecks for us.”

"Yeah I feel up to a holo-program.  I'm hoping that I'll be able to leave here soon. You're saying this isn't an official visit yet I know I have orders to meet with you."

“That’s later in the week,” she smiled. “So you’re ready to go to the holodeck then? In fact, if you weren’t on restrictions, I’d be asking you if you wanted to go rock climbing, but as I can’t and it being around lunch, I figured I’d do the next best thing . . . a picnic. The program I’m going to use is actually one that I use for rock climbing, but there’s a section of it that’s a park setting. I think you might like it. If nothing else, the view is beautiful!” Karissa’s dark eyes sparkled as she spoke about it.

Aidan glanced over at her crutches then back to the brace, ”Yeah I need a change of scenery.  If I wasn't barred from almost all physical activity I would take you up on the rock climbing."

“Well, we can save that for another day,” Karissa replied amiably. “By the way, I packed us chicken sandwiches, green salad, fruit drinks and coconut cream pie. Thought you’d like that,” she smiled as she led them from Aidan’s room and toward the holodecks, the whole time, though being less than obvious, keeping an eye on how Aidan was doing on the crutches and with the brace. She wanted Aidan to be able to relax for awhile . . . take her mind off of everything.

That one made Aidan smile for a bit, ”Ok so who did you talk to in order to find out my favourite foods."  Aidan was doing ok on the crutches but it was easy to tell the brace hindered her normally graceful movements. She was tired of the whole situation and more than ready just to get out of the hospital for good.  She still had a unit to run.  As they approached the holodeck Aidan waited for the door to open then proceeded to enter.  "This is beautiful."

Karissa entered and smiled. “Thought you might like it,” she replied.

They were in a forested area with a picnic table covered with the food Karissa had packed. The sky was a brilliant blue, dotted by a few puffy clouds that looked like floating cotton balls. And in the distance were the rocky hills – perfect for rock climbing. There was even the sounds and feel of a warm, gentle breeze blowing by, not only against them, but making the leaves of the trees rustle. And on the braches of the trees were the sounds of little birds hopping around and chirping.

“I come here when I need to relax,” Karissa smiled. “Or to climb . . . for me that’s a way for me to relax also.”

Aidan found a place to sit then slowly and carefully managed to get herself into something that resembled a sitting position.  Although she wouldn't exactly call it 'sitting' with that darn brace. "It does look peaceful."  Relaxing wasn't exactly at the top of her priority list currently. Mistakes of any sort were not something Aidan took lightly.  In fact she was being very hard on herself since the accident and the recent 'stupid stunt' as Nathan Fletcher had put it, only made that worse.

“Why don’t you start with this,” Karissa smiled and handed her a sandwich with a drink and then took a sandwich and drink herself, as she settled into a more comfortable position. “So, what do you do when you’re not wearing a brace?” she asked, merely trying to open up the conversation. After all, all great conversations had to start somewhere and sometimes the best way to start was small and vague and just let it build naturally.

"More than likely I'd be doing my usual Karate workout until I can fly again," Aidan answered. "Rock climbing and other sports are in there as well."

“I practice Martial Arts too,” she replied. “I find it very calming and focusing. Of course, the rock climbing does the same thing.” Karissa took a sip of her drink. “So do you like flying? The closest thing I’ve gotten to what you do is flying a shuttle,” she laughed.

Aidan simply nodded, ”If it wasn't a passion for me I wouldn't have dedicated my career to it.  The Hellhawks squadron is a dream comes true for me. A lot of time and energy was put into creating the squadron to begin with.  Now I just use to succeed."

“I have every confidence you will,” Karissa smiled. “So, Christmas is fast approaching. Do you celebrate it?”

That seemed like an unusual question.  "Yeah I guess you could say I celebrate it.  Don't really have many plans for this year."

“Why not? Just busy with the squadron?” she asked.

Aidan sighed, ”Busy with the squadron, getting myself back to full active duty flight status...the fact I haven't been on Serenity that long.  Any of it or all of it applies I think." Then she looked back at Karissa.

“Well, there’s no reason not to find some fun in the season,” she smiled. “After all, you and Jayme found some in the snow.” Though the stunt had initially not gone over well with her or William, which had been for other reasons. But she knew they’d both enjoyed their time in the snow. “For me, I love Christmas lights, singing Christmas carols and baking cookies. Not that I have a tremendous amount of time for any of those things, but I manage to find time; only because those are the things that make it Christmas for me.” She paused for a moment. “So how have you celebrated Christmas in the past?” she asked.

For a moment Aidan thought about the question.  "Depends on how you look at it. I've been able to I enjoy similar activities to what you do, but I've spent many holidays deployed for duty;  so not all of them have given me a chance to enjoy those kinds of activities.  My line of work doesn't exactly take a break for the holidays."

“Oh, I completely understand. Being a Starfleet Officer and deployed on a ship wasn’t always easy either . . . especially around the holidays. But if the opportunity arises, you should take them,” she grinned. “By the way, do you like kids?”

For a moment Aidan just smiled, ”Guess you could say I do.  I mean someday I want a family besides my career if that ever works out.  It would be nice if kids were part of that."

“Well, one never knows what the future will bring,” she smiled. “But I have no doubt that you’ll eventually have kids of your own. I wasn’t sure I ever would, but I have two now. Twins . . .”

Aidan knew that all too well.  "You're right about that but I have a lot more to consider when kids of my own enter the picture as a possibility, not just a potential husband or a father for them."

“That’s true. It’s never easy to have a family when in a branch of the military. Of course, when I got pregnant, it wasn’t exactly planned either . . . But that’s a story for another time.” She smiled. “Anyway, back to my original idea… what I was thinking, was if you were interested, you could participate in some of these holiday activities with my family and I . . . If you like kids, you’ll love the twins!” Karissa said. “Anyway, if nothing else, it’s something to think about.”

"Thank you for the offer.  I'll have to take you up on it.   It’s going to be one of my more quiet holidays this year thanks to the accident. Other than the squadron party we won't be doing much flying until we know for sure what happened," Aidan commented then glanced out at the park scenery for a time.

“How have you been sleeping?” Karissa asked as she pulled out slices of coconut cream pie.

Ah the 50 million dollar question.  "If you've seen Dr Grissiom's notes then you know.  Anyway the answer is not well, I..." she paused, ”I'm having nightmares."

Karissa nodded with understanding. She’d started having nightmares of her own. “Are they about the crash?” she asked curiously.

"Yeah," Aidan admitted quietly.   Still uncertain why things seemed fine and then they suddenly started with a vengeance just a short time ago.  Unable to meet Karissa's gaze as she continued, ”They occur anytime I try to sleep and wake me in the middle of the night."

“I’ve had nightmares like that,” Karissa admitted. “They can be very disruptive… I didn’t see anything in your file about any medications to help. Has your doctor prescribed any for you? Even on an ‘as needed’ basis?”

Aidan shook her head,  "No Dr Fletcher hasn't prescribed anything for sleep. I've been on pretty strong pain meds as a result of the accident then heavily medicated for both IO treatments.  The second one is when he put on the brace.  Used a spinal for that one to make sure that leg would be sufficiently numb."

Karissa nodded in understand. “Well, there are safe medications you can take short term to let you sleep without dreaming. It would at least give you a few nights of good sleep, and it shouldn’t interfere with the other medications. If you want, I can make that recommendation to Dr. Fletcher for you. After all, it would mean no nightmares for those nights.”

"Normally I don't like to take anything but I can't recall the last time I got a solid night's sleep without being interrupted with nightmares," Aidan replied honestly.

“Then I’ll mention it to Dr. Fletcher. And don’t think you have to take these all the time,” she said. “In fact, you can’t take them all the time. The mind needs to eventually dream. But at least it will help short term . . . and then maybe talking about things will help with the rest . . .”

"Hopefully." All Aidan really wanted was for the dreams to go away;  to get her life back.  Feeling out of control wasn't something she liked at all.

“You know, you will overcome this,” Karissa said gently. “If for no other reason because you have a reason to go on . . . You love your career and I doubt anything would keep you from it for long,” she smiled. “And though you may feel that you have no control over your life, it’s only temporary. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, you might say.”

This was one of those times Aidan wasn't so sure.  Since the accident there had been nothing but misfortune in her path it seemed.  She was quiet as she contemplated her own personal doubt on that; though her mental shields were currently very weak due to lack of sleep and other factors.

“Even your self-doubt will only be temporary,” she said. “Sometimes you just have to remember what you’ve done right in your life . . . what you’ve succeeded at . . .”

Aidan sighed,  "If I'd succeeded we wouldn't have even been in the air that day. I would have grounded the test flight due to weather concerns and I wouldn't have put another pilot's life in danger."

“Well, then you’ve learned something,” Karissa added. “It’s just how you perceive it. But what about before now? You must have had some successes along the way.” Getting her to think about more than about recent events was also a way to help her restore balance to her thoughts. At the moment, all Aidan was seeing was what had gone wrong. She wanted to help Aidan see what she had also done right.”

"They're there otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today.  But I should have also known better."  It was very hard to see the good when she believed recent events were her fault to begin with.

“Did you ignore information you had?” Karissa asked curiously.

Aidan glanced at Karissa then shook her head.  "No we were working with the weather briefing and updates we had.   Flight parameters weren't anything beyond our capabilities. We fly in bad weather all the time.  Just not that bad and I've never seen anything move that fast.  Plus something went wrong with my fighter I don't know what but there were certainly other complicating factors from what I could see.  Only a full investigation will tell the whole story.  And we may never know it all."

“Do you think there was a way you could have known this would happen and in doing so prevented it from happening? Or was it beyond your control?” she asked.

This time Aidan shrugged and glanced off into the distance then shrugged again.  "As the Hellhawks squad leader it’s my duty to know when it’s unsafe to fly just as much as when it’s safe to. Yes flying a precision combat craft such as those fighters is a risky business but it’s not my job to send my pilots into a dangerous situation unless it can't be avoided.    In this instance I don't have the answers to those questions."  She blew air out through her teeth.  "If I did...." Aidan never finished that thought unsure of what to say.

“Then you didn’t have the information at the time,” Karissa clarified. “Had you, you wouldn’t have put yourself or anyone else in danger . . . You were acting on the information you had and even you, yourself, said that there could have been something wrong with the fighter. Instead of this being you, for a moment, let’s say this happened to one of your squad. How would you have reacted to them? Just humor me,” she smiled.

"I have the luxury of telling them not to worry about it.  That is wasn't their fault. It’s not something I can tell myself, cause I'm in charge."

“So, because you’re in charge, you’re responsible for the things you can’t control?” she asked.

"No I never said that.  Because I'm their leader their safety is my responsibility and to do that I can't think what happened is nothing; whether I was in control or not."

“Well, of course, it isn’t nothing,” she replied. “But these circumstances were out of your control. Maybe you could give yourself some slack until you know what really happened. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt until the reports come in. Just for the fact you care it shows that you’re a good leader, Aidan. And that means you have made the best decisions you can make in the interests of your squadron.”

Aidan couldn't afford to give herself any slack.  "Have I made the best decisions I can for them? It doesn't seem that way from where I'm sitting.  Nothing seems within my control anymore."

Karissa was quiet for a moment. “You know, we all have periods where everything in our lives feels out of control; where we lose the confidence we have in ourselves and our abilities . . . When my significant other died . . . I watched it happen . . .” her voice was quiet and tinged with emotion. “The only thing separating us was a clear wall of a deacon chamber . . . and had I been able to get to him in time, I could have saved him. But I couldn’t get out of the chamber and to him . . . So for a long time, I blamed myself. I thought that had I just found a way, even bought myself the needed seconds I needed somehow, he would still be alive. My life felt as if it had been destroyed. I still managed to do my job . . . But I began doubting who I was and what I could do. At some point, I must have thought I could control the universe, only to find out, the only thing I could control was myself.” Suddenly, a bittersweet smile crossed her face. “And sometimes that’s hard to do.”

"Very hard…" Aidan couldn't keep the various emotions from bombarding her control any longer.  Tears started to fall despite her best efforts to fight them.

Gently, Karissa placed a comforting hand on Aidan’s shoulder. “It’s all right to feel what you’re feeling . . .” she said softly.

"Not when it’s my job to appear in control and like nothing is wrong even if it is," she relied in a near whisper.  "Falling apart isn't something I have the luxury of allowing myself to do."

“But you do have that luxury right now,” she said gently. “Aidan, I know how difficult it can be to be in a position of authority. But if you don’t find time for yourself to allow yourself to feel things, this won’t be the only time in your life that you’ll have to have counselling forced on you or have psych evals . . . Trust me. Holding everything in for the sake of the troops is fine, but not when you leave for the night, you have to be able to let everything out. Otherwise it *will* destroy you.”

Aidan tried to meet Karissa's gaze, ”I know that and now its the most difficult time too because this is when they need to see me at my strongest.  In the aftermath of the accident that is.  And it’s far too difficult for me as it is to forget the accident due to the nightmares."

“Then let’s try to change that,” Karissa said. “One step at a time . . . We’ll get you some good nights of sleep, then we’ll start working on how to deal with the nightmares . . . Eventually you’ll start feeling better and your team won’t see you any differently . . . In fact, when you come to terms with this, they’ll see someone whose stronger than she was before. Someone who isn’t afraid to confront themselves . . . and believe me, those who do are the strongest people there are.”

Slowly Aidan nodded, ”I don't want them to lose faith in me because of this."

“Your squadron is worried about you, but not in the way you’re concerned about,” she said. “They haven’t lost faith in you at all. In fact, what I’ve heard is they’ve asked when you’ll come back.” Karissa smiled gently. “They want their leader.”

Aidan didn't know what to think.  "Worried about me?"

“Physically,” Karissa amended with a grin. “They’re worried that maybe you’ve been hurt badly enough to keep you from returning. Their thoughts haven’t remotely been about you as their leader. There has been no loss of faith and I’ve had the opportunity to find out. I met your squad. They’re all very talented and bright people and they respect you greatly and I don’t mean just your rank.”

That surprised Aidan.  She'd expected Caid to stop by and knew that he was probably a frequent visitor to the hospital or at least keeping very close tabs on her.  "I can't even begin to entertain thoughts of never getting in that cockpit again."

“Oh, you’ll get in that cockpit again,” Karissa assured her. “I don’t think anything that’s happened is going to keep you from it, and yes, Caid has been a frequent visitor.”

"I seriously hope so as far as flying goes," Aidan was watching something in the distance.

“Are you looking at the hills?” Karissa asked curiously.

She only nodded,  "Yeah I guess I am.  Taking in the scenery...." her voice trailed off for a moment as if she was trying to forget.  Lately it didn't take much to trigger the memories but they were the worst in her dreams.

“That crash was . . . pretty bad,” Karissa said softly. “The memories come back a lot, don’t they?”

For a long time Aidan didn't say anything.  Then very softly, "Yeah they do." Closing her eyes in yet another attempt to make it all go away.  Being a trained marine she should be able to handle a rough situation and the stress associated with it. However Aidan felt like things were falling apart around her.  Suddenly she felt very uncomfortable sitting there.  Aidan reached for her crutches then carefully stood.  That did nothing to ease that profound sense of confinement that had descended on her.  This time lack of sleep, combined with traumatic memories and other factors sent the normally composed marine into a full blown panic attack.

Karissa stood and was beside Aidan instantly. “It’s all right,” she said gently. “Take a few, slow, deep breaths . . . In through the nose; out through the mouth . . . and think of something that calms you.” She knew that if she needed it, she had a hypospray in the basket that had a mild tranq, just for these situations, since she always came prepared. But she was going to wait and merely observed and try to help Aidan calm down. If she couldn’t, she’d use the medication.

Aidan tried to regain control but everything she tried failed.  Not sure what set off such a powerful reaction, now.  Maybe it was seeing the landscape or the fact she had been talking to someone about her dreams.  Either way it really terrified her.  "NOOOO...." The scream came out of now where as if her mind refused to quit playing back the crash in full detail and color.  Aidan then began to shake physically.

Karissa realizing that she couldn’t let this continue, but didn’t completely want to medication Aidan. Instead, she opted for reducing the dose to ease her emotions, but still leaving her coherent. Without giving Aidan a chance to stop her, she administered the medication.

”That should help ease things . . .” Karissa said as she watched Aidan’s body relax. She could also sense the memory easing up. “We should talk about that memory the next time I see you, but I think for now, I’d better let you get back to your room. Come on, I’ll walk you.”

With that, she helped Aidan to her feet. Her patient was a little wobbly, but stable enough. She made sure that Aidan put no weight on her damaged leg and walked her back to her room.

“I’m glad I got a chance to spend the afternoon with you,” Karissa smiled. “I think it’s gone a long way in helping us get to know each other.”

Aidan nodded,  "It was a relaxing holodeck session until I totally freaked out." Silently she had to admit it was a good thing Karissa had decided to escort her back to her room.

“You know, you will be okay . . . I’ll take a little time, but everything will fall into place,” she said.

Finally, they reached Aidan’s room and Karissa helped her to the bed.

“Would you like me to come and check on you before I go home?” she asked. “I could always bring you another slice of pie.” She smiled.

Aidan smiled, ”Now that sounds like the best thing I've heard all day."

Karissa laughed. “Good! Then you get some rest and I’ll be back . . .” With that, she walked out of the room.