Trying to Find Comfort and Joy

Karissa’s mind was restless. It had been for the last few weeks. It hadn’t interfered with her work, but she could tell that sooner or later it might . . . Setting aside some time, she went to the holodeck and initiated her personal program of Ryan Evans.

“Computer, pull up Bosherston program and run in sync with Ryan-Evans,” she said.

<Program Initiated> the computer replied.

She stepped forward as the door opened. She walked out to a cloudy day at Bosherston. The waves were lapping at the shore line gently. A soft wind blew in her face, pushing her dark hair behind her. She hadn’t seen him when she entered, but it didn’t take long for her to feel his hands on her shoulders.

“It never gets tiring staring out there, does it, Kari?” he asked as he kissed her cheek.

As she turned around she smiled and embraced him. “It’s good to see you,” she said.

“And you,” he replied, but he could tell immediately that something was wrong. Concern went into his brown eyes. He would see the pale pallor of her skin and the weariness in her eyes. “You haven’t been sleeping,” he said as he caressed her face.

“I have . . .” she said, trying to dismiss his concern.

“Not without disruptions apparently,” he replied. “You forget . . . I might be dead, but I remember when the twins were first born and they woke many times a night . . . We were both exhausted. But I remember how you looked.”

She smiled and sighed. “They were so little then . . .”

He returned her smile, but there was seriousness in her eyes. “What is it, Kari . . . what’s brought you to me?”

“Nothing . . . I just wanted to see you,” she replied.

But he knew better. “You’re having nightmares again?” he asked. He didn’t even need her to reply to know that was the case. He knew her so well. “Let me guess . . . its December?” he asked.

She turned away. How could she face him? But within moments, his hands were back on her shoulders.

“Kari . . . we’ve gone through this before . . . There was nothing you could have done . . .”

“I know . . .” she replied softly. “But part of me can’t let go of it.” She admitted. “Part of me can’t stop the *What if* game . . . What if I had just managed to get past the decon chamber wall just a few seconds before . . .”

He turned her around and looked into her dark, pain-filled eyes. “There was no way you could have . . . You know that . . . and your life has gone on . . . You have Will now. You don’t need to be so tortured over me . . . What’s been done is done . . . It was fate.”

“How can I accept that?” she asked.

“Because it’s the truth,” he replied. “Come, let’s go to the cottage. You look like you could use a cup of tea.”

Without argument, she allowed him to lead her up the beach and into the cottage. Inside, he sat her on the couch and got them cups of earl grey tea. He sat beside her and watched her sip at the hot liquid.

“How are the children?” he asked.

“They’re doing good . . .” she replied. “My parents plan to take them and Joshan around the neighbourhood tomorrow night to see the Christmas lights around the city.”

“You should go with them,” he said, knowing she was playing to sit it out.

She shook her head. “I don’t know if I feel up to that . . .”

He took one of her hands in his and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. “I remember what that finally December was like . . . Despite all that was going on, you relished the season . . . trying to do as much as you could so that we could enjoy Luc and Maya’s first Christmas . . . You love the season. I remember you telling me you always had.”

She nodded. “I did . . .” she replied. “And I still try doing what I can for the kids . . . It’s just . . .”

“It hasn’t been the same?” he replied.

She shook her head. “Ryan, something happened inside of me when I watched you die . . . Something ripped apart and it’s never fully healed . . . This time of year comes around . . .” she sighed. “It all comes back.”

He put his tea down and tenderly caressed her cheek. “Anyone that goes through a trauma is never quite the same . . . I went through my fair share as well . . . But I found something that brought joy to my life . . . even if it was for too brief a time . . .”

She knew without him saying it that he’d meant her and she smiled, but it was tinged with sadness and regret.

“Karissa . . . Take joy in what you have . . . Don’t think upon what you’ve lost . . .”

She was quiet for a moment, looking downward before meeting his gaze once more. “I’ll try . . .” she said softly.

“That’s all I can ask,” he said as he leaned over and tenderly kissed her cheek.

Her eyes shut and misted with tears as she relished the touch. How would she make it through December, she wondered.