Unhealed Heart

Everyone was bundled up in sweaters, jackets, gloves and hats trying to ward off the cold, December night. Snow had fallen, turning the world into a winter wonderland. Karissa walked with her parents and the children toward the park . . . a Christmas festival was being held and Santa was due to make an appearance. The closer they got, the louder the seasonal music grew and as they entered the park, it was filled with Christmas lights and decorations. Everywhere there were booths filled with games, trinkets or food to buy. There were even rides set up and an ice skating rink.

“Momma! Momma!” the twins cried and pointed as they saw a place to play that was filled with tunnels and places to climb.

“I want to go too!” Joshan said excitedly.

“How about we get some hot chocolate first,” Amalie said with a grin.

There were some moans as the adults looked at each other and laughed.

“Come on,” she said as she ushered everyone to a booth selling the sweet, winter drink.

“It’s too bad Will couldn’t have joined us,” Karissa’s father said as he looked at her.

“It’s the price of being a doctor, as you well know,” she replied with a gentle smile. “Believe me, he did want to come.”

“I know . . . what parent would want to miss this?”

She nodded, as her mind went to Ryan . . . So much he had missed . . . But he was dead and there was nothing that could be done to change it. She sighed and watched as Amalie returned with the children. They all found a table under a heater and sat down.

“Here we are,” she said handing her daughter one with marshmallows and her husband one with whipped cream. She had her own with marshmallows and smiled as she watched Joshan, Maya and Luc drink theirs with big grins and giggles.

“I can’t wait to see Santa!” Josh said.

“Santa bring presents!” Maya said brightly.

“Yes, though he won’t be bringing any tonight,” her grandfather said. “For that you’ll have to wait until Christmas Eve . . . and then you’ll open presents Christmas morning.” Ryan Bentara had always loved children. When he and Amalie had adopted Karissa, they had finally felt their family was complete . . . then when Amalie became pregnant with Joshan, he was a miracle gift . . . Even Karissa thought so. So holidays for their family has always been special.

Karissa looked at the kids and smiled, but her brown eyes held a darkness . . . a sadness that wasn’t apparent to all. Just to those that knew her well.

“And I’m sure you’ve all been good this year, right?” Karissa asked.

The twins nodded vigorously.

“I been good!” Maya offered.

“Me too!” Luc added.

“I’ve been really, really good!” Joshan smiled and looked toward his parents. “Haven’t it?”

They both laughed.

“Yes, Josh, you’ve been exceptionally good this year,” his father said.

“I bet you all will get many presents from Santa,” Amalie replied. “And a few from us too.”

As the kids finished their cocoa they jumped up from the table. “Can we go play now, mom?” Joshan asked.

Amalie’s dark eyes sparkled and she nodded. “All right, go ahead and start walking. I’ll catch up in a moment. Are you coming with me?” she asked Karissa.

Karissa immediately shook her head. “No, I think I’ll sit this round out,” she replied. “You don’t mind, do you, mom?”

For a moment Amalie and Ryan’s gaze met. There was an understanding in them that Karissa had not noticed as her eyes had fallen away to the kids scamper toward the play place.

“No problem at all, darling,” Amalie smiled. “We’ll see you in a bit.” With that she walked off.

“Aren’t you going with her?” Karissa asked her father.

“No . . . I thought maybe I would take the time and hang out with my beautiful daughter,” he replied.

She smiled.

“So how have you been?” he asked. “You seem to have been rather busy lately.”

“Well, work’s kept me that way . . .” she replied.

“Just work?” Ryan Bentara asked.

She sighed and looked at her hot cocoa as she swirled it around the cup. “It just hasn’t been an easy month . . . that’s all.”

He nodded. “You still feel it, don’t you?”

Her eyes immediately rose to meet his. “What?”

“Ryan’s death . . . You still feel it . . . and strongly by the looks of it,” he said.

A lump had grown in her throat as she sighed. “Dad . . .”

“No, I can feel it in you . . . I can see it in your face . . .” he said. “I know you’re trying not to show it, but we all can tell, Karissa . . . What you went through, no one would have an easy time getting over. Sometimes just accepting that fact alone can help.”

“It’s been two years,” she said.

“And you’ve made progress in those two years, but honey, you have to understand that this wasn’t your fault. I know part of you still thinks that it was, and nothing I say will change it, but you’re going to have to one day accept the fact that you did everything you could,” he said reaching across the table and taking her hands in his. “You didn’t kill Ryan . . . The Naussican did . . .”

She nodded; her eyes misting. “But couldn’t I have saved him? Isn’t there something I could have done different? I mean, I’ve tried everything in simulations from the time I found him . . . the only way to have saved him would have been to get to him sooner . . .”

“And could you have?” he asked.

She sighed and let out a breath. “I don’t know . . .” she said looking back down into the cocoa. A tear fell onto the tablecloth. “I didn’t know exactly where he was . . .”

“Then how could you have gotten to him sooner?” he asked her.

Karissa wiped at another tear as it slid from her eyes. “I know in my mind that I did everything I could . . . But my heart won’t let me believe it . . . Somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m still holding me accountable . . . And it’s not that I don’t love Will . . . I don’t know . . . I’m just confused right now . . .”

He got up and sat down beside her, pulling her into his embrace. As she rested her head against him, she gained a measure of comfort. “But you aren’t confused about your love for Will . . .”

“Oh god no!” she replied. “I love him so much . . . He’ll be the one I spend the rest of my life with . . . He’s been there for me and seen me through so much . . . But . . .”

“You don’t have to say more. I know what Ryan was to you . . .” he said. “But you know he wouldn’t want you holding on to this . . . He loved you more than that. If things were reversed and it was him alive, would you want him beating himself up over what he could have done differently?”

She shook her head. “But how do I get my heart to listen?” she asked, softly.

“With time . . . There’s no magic answer for this one, kiddo . . . It was a trauma and everyone handles traumas differently . . .” he said. “You watched the man you loved murdered in front of you . . . believing in some way you could have stopped it. But, honey, no one is invincible . . .”

“So everyone keeps telling me,” she said softly.

“Then maybe you need to take a little stock in what they say . . . Sooner or later it will sink it . . .”

“But what do I do until then?” she asked.

“You don’t know?” he replied and looked into her eyes. “What would you tell your patients to do?”

She nodded and sighed as she leaned her head on his shoulder once again. “Daddy, will this ever go away?”

He paused. “The memory will always be apart of you, Karissa . . . but in time, what you think about it will change . . .”

“I hope you’re right . . .” she replied.

“I’m your father,” he said with a smile. “I’m always right.”