Dark Anniversary

Karissa sat up in bed. She had been in bed for the last six hours, waking up at least twice from nightmares. She ran her hands over her face and through her hair.

*It’s the 20 th . . .* she thought to herself with a sinking feeling in her gut.

There was movement on the bed behind her as a hand touched her shoulder. “Are you all right?” Will asked, knowing from experience what was happening.

“I’m fine,” she replied, turning toward him, forcing a smile. But she knew he could tell it was forced.

He moved closer beside her and embraced her. “I know what today is . . . and I also know you had nightmares all night long . . .”

She gazed at him with concern. “Did I wake you?” she asked.

He shook his head. “Not really . . .” he replied. “You’re not planning on working today, are you?”

She didn’t answer and just shook her head no.

“Probably best,” he said. “River’s still coming to watching the kids?”

“Yeah, she should be here in a couple of hours,” she replied.

“Then maybe I should give you something to help you sleep . . . If nothing else, you could sleep a little more . . .” he offered.

“That’s okay . . .” Karissa replied. “I’ll just . . . distract myself today.”

Tenderly he caressed her face. “What are you planning?”

“Thought I would use one of my work-out programs in the holodeck at the hospital,” she said. “Some physical activity might do me some good.”

“What about rock climbing instead?” he offered. In her state of mind, he wasn’t thrilled with her putting on one of her training simulations. She had a habit of occasionally turning the safeties off when she wanted a challenge.

“I promise I won’t shut the safeties off if that’ll make you feel better,” she said softly.

He sighed. “Sometimes it’s frustrating with you always knowing what’s on my mind . . .”

She smiled softly. “I don’t always . . .” she replied. “But sometimes your thoughts are pretty strong . . .”

“Is that what they are?” he asked, gazing into her dark chocolate eyes.

“Today . . .”

“I so wish I could read your mind . . .” he said caressing her cheek once again, his eyes filled with concern.

“No, you don’t . . . My mind isn’t a very pretty place today . . .” Her words were barely audible as she spoke.

He sighed and embraced her once again. “Karissa, how can I help you?” he asked. “Tell me . . . anything . . .” He had so hoped that this year she would finally come to terms with Ryan’s death, and so far, she wasn’t as much of a wreck as she’d been, but the pain was obvious . . . and he was at a loss as to what he could do . . .

“I don’t know . . .” she replied. “I think the answer has to come from within me . . . and I’m not sure I’ve come far enough for that.”

He sighed and held her close. There had to be some way to help her, he thought.

Will had left for work insisting that he would see her at the hospital for lunch. Karissa wasn’t so sure. Not long after he’d left, Karissa heard the twins and went to get them ready for the day. Just as she fixed them breakfast, River arrived.

“Hi, Karissa,” she smiled.

“Good morning,” Karissa replied. “I’ll be leaving in a minute. I’m not sure when I’ll be back, but Ryan – I mean Will will be back at 1600 hours if I’m not.”

River noticed the name, but let it go. She also knew a little about Ryan Evans, though not as much as she felt she should know at that moment.

“Well, don’t you worry about a thing. Luc, Maya and I will have a great time today, right?” she said with a smile.

“Can we go to park?” Luc asked.

“Well . . . it snowed again last night. Maybe we’ll just play in the back yard . . . want to build a snowman?” River asked.

Both the kids gave an enthusiastic “Yay!”

Karissa smiled at their simple joy. “All right,” she said as she went over to hug and kiss her children good-bye. “You both be good for River, okay?”

“Yes, momma,” Maya smiled.

“I love you, momma,” Luc said as he reached for her.

“I love you too!” Maya chimed in.

“And I love you both more than life itself,” she smiled. As she stood up, she took one more look at them. “I’ll be back later. Bye . . .”

Before the kids could object, she left the house.

“Momma sad . . .” Maya said.

Luc nodded in agreement.

It was about midmorning as Will took a minute to catch up on reports at his desk, but his mind was still on Karissa. He had wanted to take the day off and be with her, but he knew instinctively that she wouldn’t have let him. She was supposed to be strong and be able to deal with this on her own. Sometimes he thought she’d forgotten that he’d seen her at her weakest moments . . . that he loved her no matter what, and he was willing to go through anything with her. But she wasn’t ready for that, and truth be told, he didn’t know how to help her.

With a sigh, he put the PADD down and leaned back in his chair. “What can I do for you, Karissa . . . What would help you . . .?”

Suddenly, an idea came to his mind. Immediately, he contacted Karissa’s father, Dr. Ryan Bentara.

[Oh, hello, Will] Dr. Bentara has greeted. [Is everything all right? How is Karissa?]

“What, sir, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I think I might have an idea and I wanted to run it by you first,” he said.

[Anything to help] Karissa’s father replied. [What’s going on?]

Karissa had been in the holodeck for the last three hours. She had been running her most physically gruelling programs. Still seeing images of the day Ryan died, she initiated yet another program.

The setting changed to that of a jungle . . . she was surrounded by pirates of all shapes and sizes. Some were human, some were Bolian, some were Breen . . . and many were Naussican.

“You can’t get away from us,” one of the human’s sneered.

As two of them came at her, she easily jumped over them. The first man, she immediately grabbed his head, twisting it easily like a rag dolls, breaking his neck. As he fell, she rounded on the other man, striking him with a hard spin kick that connected with his temple. He fell to the ground, stunned, but not dead.

Another man, a Naussican, rushed her with a knife. She easily disarmed him, throwing the knife at the Bolian. As soon as it landed, he crumpled to the ground. Suddenly, she snapped the Naussican’s neck, let him fall down.

Man after man littered the ground until the last one was dead . . . twenty in all . . . and none a true challenge for her anymore. She took a ragged breath and melted to the ground . . . then the tears came . . . they came and wouldn’t stop. No matter what she did, it wasn’t enough to erase the pain . . . the guilt . . .

“This is how you treat my memory?” asked a voice from behind her. There was no accusation in the voice; only concern. “I know this has to be December 20 th.”

Slowly, she turned around, trying to wipe her eyes and gain her composure. “Ryan?” she said softly, as she gazed into his warm brown eyes. “What are you doing here?”

He shrugged. “To be honest, I have no idea. I was just suddenly here . . . but it seems that you could use some comforting . . .” he went to her and sat down beside her, embracing her warmly. “Kari . . . what are you doing here? This isn’t going to help you . . . you know that . . .”

Again she melted into tears. “I can’t forget . . .” she said. “The pain . . . it hasn’t gone away . . .”

He held her closer. “Oh, Kari . . .” he said softly. “Kari, you can’t still hold onto the past . . . what’s done is done . . . You couldn’t have changed it. You know that . . .”

“But my heart tells me I should have found a way . . .” she said, unable to stop the tears.

“Well, your heart’s wrong. Listen to me,” he said as he lifted her chin to gaze into her face. “I love you . . . more than anything and I’m telling you that what happened was meant to be . . . It wasn’t your fault. I went in there looking for the Iconian Gateway. I did what I needed to do to save us all . . . I *knew* what I was getting into when I took the job in Starfleet . . . All of us know this can happen . . .”

“But you’ve seen what I can do. I-“

“Shhhhh . . .” he replied, resting a finger against her lips. “Kari, you are very strong, very fast . . . but you are not a super hero. You can’t save everyone . . . and you’re not invincible . . .” Tenderly he leaned in and kissed her. “Please . . . stop beating yourself up over this . . . I can’t bear to see it, especially since it wasn’t your fault.”

Suddenly, the holodeck setting changed to Bosherston. Karissa paused and looked around, feeling the gentle wind on her face.

“How . . .” but she never finished the thought.

“Who cares . . .” Ryan smiled. “I think this is a better place to heal one’s soul . . . don’t you?”

With that, she nodded and leaned into his embrace.