Underneath It All

It was morning. The family was sitting down for breakfast and ready for their day. But a single look and Will knew that there were other things on Karissa’s mind than the kids and her shift. Karissa set plates down for the twins then for herself and Will. But before she could turn to get the juice, he grabbed her hand gently and looked into the depths of her brown eyes.

“Are you sure you don’t want more time off ?” He asked. “I could give you extra time if you need it.”

Karissa smiled. “I’m fine . . . really . . . Work will probably do me good. Less time to think about it all . . .”

He nodded. “I do understand how you feel. Perhaps not in the exact same way or circumstances as this, but I do understand emotional pain.”

Images filtered to her mind from him . . . memories of the Floran he’d killed. He hadn’t had a choice in the matter. The man had charged him with a weapon. It was either kill or be killed, yet he was a doctor. It was his job to save lives, not take them. The memories had haunted him for so long, and on occasion still did.

Tears misted her eyes as she caressed his face. “I know you understand . . .” She said softly. “I just . . . I’ve done what you’ve done. I’ve had to kill . . . But . . . I’ve never had anyone . . .” She swallowed then looked at the twins and back at him. “You know what I mean.”

“Momma, why you sad ?” Maya asked curiously.

“Daddy sad too,” Luc added.

Will and Karissa sighed, allowed themselves little smiled and turned to the kids.

“I think you two pick up more than you should sometimes.” She said as she went to them and kissed their cheeks. She then served up the juice and sat down.

It wasn’t long before breakfast was done, the dishes taken care of. River arrived with much enthusiasm by the twins as always. With final hugs and kisses, Will and Karissa left for the hospital.

“I wish there was something I could do or say to help.” He said. “Unfortunately, you’re the counselor . . .”

Karissa smiled softly and nodded. “I know . . . But I love you for caring so much.” She kissed his cheek.

He gazed into her eyes, caressed her face, then leaned in and kissed her tenderly. “I love you, Karissa. I guess I always have . . . You know, maybe there is someone you could talk to about this . . . Might have a better perspective than I.”

For a moment, she gazed at him curiously and then realized who he was referencing.

“It could help you . . .” He said.

She tenderly kissed him again. “Thanks . . .”

With that, they went in different directions to their offices.

The day passed quickly for Karissa. Her afternoon was relatively free, since Will had insisted she go back to light duty first. She decided to take Will’s advice, went to the holodeck and began her program.

As the door slid open, she took her shoes off and walked out into the sand of Bosherston. She looked out over the water and around to the cottage that wasn’t that far away. The sun was beginning to set. There, standing at the water’s edge letting the waves lightly touch his toes, was Ryan Evans. It’s as if he sensed her. He turned around and smiled. Going to her, he swept her up into his arms.

“Kari !” He said with a smile. “I’ve missed you.”

She buried her face against the crook of his neck and just held him. At that moment, he knew . . . knew something was wrong. Gently he lifted her chin to gaze into her eyes.

“Kari, what’s wrong ?” He asked.

“Think we could sit by the fire and have some tea ?” She asked softly.

“I believe that can be arranged.” He said. He walked with her up to the cottage; his arm around her waist.

Getting her settled on the couch and the fire started, he made tea. As he returned, he found her sitting there, staring into the flickering flames. He sighed. He had no idea of knowing what had happened until she told him, but he could tell it was something big . . . something that had unsettled her a great deal. Handing her the tea, he took a seat beside her. Almost immediately, she leaned against him.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong ?” He asked. “Or shall I try to guess . . . unfortunately, you were always better at things like that.”

She smiled for a moment. “I did have a little bit of an advantage there . . .”

“Yes, you did.” He laughed softly. Tenderly he kissed her forehead. “So what it is, Kari ? You know by now you can tell me anything.”

She took a deep breath and let it out, staring into her tea for a moment. “I have a twin sister . . .” She said.

“Another sister . . . does she look like you ?” He asked curiously.

She smiled and shook her head. “No . . . actually we look pretty different. She has blond hair and green eyes . . . But she’s my twin. Apparently she’d been looking for me. She remembered before I did that she hadn’t been alone in that fire.”

“The lab fire you were found in ?” Ryan asked.

She nodded. “It wasn’t one child pulled from the flames. It was two . . . Then we met completely by accident. Only when we did meet we ended up stuck in some sort of telepathic link. Trapped in our own minds for over a week.”

“Will couldn’t help you ?”

She shook her head. “No one could . . . except . . . There was a young man. Lieutenant Zack Dare. He was able to break the link and bring Rahel and I out of our link.”

“I’m sensing a but here.” He said gently.

Tears misted her eyes as she set her cup of tea of the table beside her. “The cost was his life, Ryan. He saved us at the cost of his life . . .” She said. A single tear trickled down her cheek. “And what’s worse is he was family. He could have been our brother, but he was definitely related . . . and he’s dead.” Another tear fell.

Ryan could see her pain . . . felt it as his own. He also understood; probably understood her better than anyone realized.

“I can tell you that it wasn’t your fault. He did what he wanted to do to save you and your sister . . .” He said. “But regardless of it being the truth, Kari, I know you. You’ve taken this in and have made it your fault.”

Another tear fell followed by another as everything he said hit her heart. It was all correct. Though she knew that she couldn’t have stopped it, part of her refused to let go of the feelings of guilt. Someone else had died because of her.

He caressed her face and pulled her into his arms. “I know you feel responsible. Somewhere in your mind, you began to believe you were responsible for everyone around you . . . as if you could save the universe . . . but, love, no one is that good. No one is that perfect . . .”

A soft sob escaped her as she rested her head against his chest. He allowed his fingers to play through her dark hair.

“I just keep thinking that my life wasn’t worth it . . .” She said. “Why did he have to die ?”

He forced her to look at him once more. “How can you even think you weren’t worth it?” he asked with surprise in his warm brown eyes. “What does a person have to do to have worth in your eyes? From what I’ve seen everyone does, except yourself and I don’t understand that . . . Your parents love you, Will loves you . . . our children love you . . . your friends love you . . . and . . . and so do I, Kari.” He said.

For a moment, time slowed. He leaned toward her and kissed her. The moment seemed to stretch on and on before she finally pulled away.

“I’m sorry . . .” Ryan said as he sat up. “I shouldn’t have done that . . .”

“No, it’s all right.” She said softly. “Not like I stopped you.”

“But you’re with Will now,” he replied. “It’s not my place to step between you . . . especially given the fact that I’m dead.”

She once again leaned against him. “Love doesn’t die, Ryan.” She said gently.

He nodded and wrapped his arms around her once again. “Kari, tell me what I can do to help you ?” He asked. “Anything in my powers to do.”

“Just hold me; listen to me . . . let me know you understand . . .”

“I understand better than you know . . .”

She knew his history and nodded. He understood the pain of having someone die for you. It was why Will had suggested she come to him. Opening her heart, she began the whole story from the beginning and pour out her soul to him. He continued to hold her. Eventually, she drifted to sleep in his arms.

An hour or so later there was a knock on the cottage door. He softly called for the door to open. As it did, he was Will enter. Dr. Hancock walked closer to them. Usually he didn’t intrude on her within the program, but having not heard from her after his own shift; he’d decided to check on her.

“She’s gone through a bit.” Ryan said gently. “But I think she’ll be all right now.”

“I thought it might help if she spoke with you.” Will replied with a smile. Though there was a pang in his heart as he watched her sleeping in Ryan’s arms.

“How has she been doing ?” He asked. “I don’t always know for sure. Still worry you know . . . as a friend.”

“She’s been doing well.” He said. “I’ve actually heard that she’s finally being given a promotion, though she doesn’t know this yet.”

“How are you planning to keep that a secret ?” Ryan smiled.

Will shrugged. “Perhaps she won’t get too curious if I keep it buried in the back of my mind.”

Ryan nodded. “I bet she deserves it. She’s overdue, isn’t she ?”

Will nodded. “Yes, actually.”

”Well, I’m happy she’ll be advancing further.” He replied then grew quiet. “This Zack Dare . . . how sure are you that he’s her family ?”

“DNA proved that he was related, but the testing proved fruitless when it came to trying to determine if he was their brother or cousin . . .” Will replied. "If only we'd had more time before the body went missing."

"Missing ?" Ryan asked.

"She didn't tell you about that bit." Will replied. "Everything was ready to the funeral, we were all on Runabout two ready to say our goodbye's, but the torpedo casing disappered. It should have been transported to the runabout, but it was lost somehow."

"Which might explain why Kari's so upset." Ryan remarked. "She never had the opporunity to say goodbye, there was no closure."

Suddenly, Karissa stirred. Her eyes opened and she saw Ryan.

“Your beloved here ?” Ryan said gently as he brushed a few stray hairs from her face.

“Hmmm ?” She replied sleepily then saw Will. With that she sat up. “Oh my god ! How long have I been asleep ?”

“Just over an hour I’d say.” Ryan replied. “I suppose that means you’ll have trouble sleeping tonight. But I didn’t have the heart to wake you.”

“I’m sure she’ll sleep fine. She needed to catch up a bit.” Will said. “It’ll make up for the sleep she’s been missing.”

Ryan nodded with understanding as he helped Karissa up to her feet. “You better do as the doctor orders.” He said with a tender smile.

“Captain’s orders ?” She asked with a playful air.

“If you insist.” He smirked.

With that, he embraced her warmly. “Now go on . . . get out of here . . .” He said then looked to Will. “Take good care of her.”

“I do try.” He said as he took Karissa’s hand in his own.

Together they walked out of the cottage leaving Ryan behind. She called for the program to save and close. As Bosherston vanished around them, replaced by the holodeck grid, Will looked in her eyes deeply.

“How are you now ?” He asked.

“It’s gong to take time, but . . . I’ll be okay . . .” She smiled.

And for the first time since she’d woken up from her link with Rahel he believed her